Love and Respect: Chapters 15-17

Please only participate if you have read the chapter for context. If you haven’t yet had a chance to read these chapters, you are welcome to return to this post when you have.

Today we wil shift our focus to the needs of our husband. The next set of chapters focuses on what many men need in order to feel respected. Some of it may or may not apply to your husband, but the ideas presented are applicable to a lot of men. The acronym that the author uses is CHAIRS; Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality.

Chapter 15 Observations and Quotations

The first thing that I took particular notice of was on page 188. Here the Eggerichs suggests that in looking to affirm that you respect your husband, rather than looking at how he performs, look at how he desires to serve you, your family and the other people in his life. That shows his character more than how successful he is at doing all that he wants to do. Since my husband often operates in the Spirit with the gift of helps, he is naturally prone to desiring to serve others. So that is where I put my focus. I know he loves being able to help friends or family when they are in need and so that is where I place my respect.

On page 190 the author presents the reason for using the acronym CHAIRS. He says that for many typical men, they see themselves as the ones who should “chair” the relationship. Setting aside the fact that this is a point of contention for a lot of people I want to ask if you have found that in your marriage, this is true of your husband. Does your husband show a desire to “chair” your relationship?

Chapter 16 Observations and Quotations

Conquest – A lot of men have a strong desire for action and achievement. My man certainly does. In general, men are compelled to be active and moving. Many men find it hard to sit in church for this reason. It can be a very passive experience, and it’s the reason my husband is often standing at the back of the room during church doing something. Something of the kingdom, but more actively engaged in what is happening during the service.

Now, when a man succeeds at something this often results in… very good sex. Very active and passionate sex. It’s a great time for more exciting positions and techniques. It will add to his feeling of success when he comes home to a wife who affirms in bed that he really is a MAN.

On page 195 the author expresses that there is a shift that happens between courting and marriage. He says that before marriage, the wife is affirming of what her husband want to do and who he wants to be, but after marriage her attempts to help can come across negatively. Do you agree with this? If so, what do you think would cause it?

Chapter 17 Observations and Quotations

Hierarchy – What does this word mean to you? To me it means different levels of prominence and importance. For that reason I can not relate to the word Eggerichs uses to describe this need in a man. I can not relate to a number of the terms used in this chapter. I do not think the man is ordained to be more prominent or important in the relationship. Having said that, I do agree that most of the men I see desire to protect and provide for their family which is the essence of what the author is trying to express in this chapter. I agree that the Lord has called my husband to be the head of our family, but do not believe that it means he is on a higher level of significance. What I believe it means is that God has given my husband a unique commission to be a covering of protection for our family. I willingly submit to that because I trust my husband’s discernment and care for us as though it were my own.

On page 208, Eggerichs presents the issue of how our culture has shifted so much and that a lot of couples encounter contention because of these shifts. What seemed simple in the Bible, seems complicated now. “She does not want him to dominate her, and at the same time, she doesn’t want her husband to have to depend on her either.” Can you relate to this?

One page 209 the author shared a story about the wife who told her husband that he needed to get a second job after taking a tour of a new home that she, to call a spade a spade, had become covetous of. I can really identify with being cautious about making sure that I don’t say things which cause my husband to question that appreciate how hard he works for our family in and away from our home. I can only imagine how that comment must have shot her husband through the heart. If I’d said that to my husband, I know he would have been thinking, “Don’t I provide for you well enough?” And it’s really a reflection of her own sin of discontentment. She wasn’t thankful for what God had provided for their family. The reason I can say this is because I can identify with temptation in this area. I have been known to lose my focus and turn my eyes towards wanting things that God has not freed me to.

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