Love and Respect: Chapters 18-21

Please only participate if you have read the chapter for context. If you haven’t yet had a chance to read these chapters, you are welcome to return to this post when you have.

Chapter 18 Observations and Quotations

Authority – In this chapter the Eggerichs presents the value men have to serve and lead their families. To be honest this is a difficult point for me. You have to understand that I grew up with a father who was a disgrace. Perhaps because of the many years that I witnessed an abusive, sacrilegious, unkind “head of the family,” I have a hard time perceiving the concept of a man automatically being given a place of authority in the home. Certainly my mother, though even she herself would not claim to have been perfect, showed significantly more wisdom and spiritual direction in our home. And yet I have to wonder if all those years are actually a witness to the reality of how much authority a husband has in a home. Perhaps it was his lack of wisdom in wielding what he had been given that caused so much pain for the rest of us in the family.

All that to say, I can not wrap up my thoughts about this chapter into a neat little bow and say I have it all figured out one way or the other. But this I can say, together my husband and I stand strong to resist the attacks of the enemy on our home. Does he have more authority against it than I do? Sometimes it seems so. Sometimes it doesn’t. When we are at a stalemate in a decision, we tend not to make any change at all until we reach unity in prayer. I am rather of a submissive personality anyway so when I present an idea and my husband doesn’t like it, I don’t tend to get upset. I leave it with him and most of the time we end up doing as I suggested anyway. I don’t do this because I have in mind that he has authority over me. I do it because it is in my nature to do it without thinking about it. So in my mind I would say that I don’t like the over all generality that men have higher authority, but in my natural interactions with my husband, it does come out that I yield to him most of the time.

Chapter 19 Observations and Quotations

Insight – This chapter rang very true for me. My husband loves to think things through with me. He is a very wise man and I appreciate hearing his perspective on things. If I need to send an important email to one of my business contacts, I will often read it to him and he always has a helpful perspective. If I have a problem and I don’t actually want him to offer suggestions on a solution, I need to preface what I say with a blatant comment that I am not looking for ideas on how to fix it. If I do not make this preface, his natural desire to offer analysis of the situation will kick in and I’ll end up frustrated since I wasn’t looking for him to solve it for me.

Page 231 “A marriage needs her intuition and his insight.”

I really agree with this. In my own relationship with my husband our blend of intuition and insight often ends up in us making very good decisions together. Is this indicative of your marriage too?

Chapter 20 Observations and Quotations

Relationship – I was surprised that any women would even questions this as I haven’t noticed it as being a predominantly male value. I think a lot of men and women enjoy the friendship they have with their spouse. I certainly do. The author’s point seems to be that men like to be together without talking and women like to be together and talk. I don’t see this predominantly true of my husband and I. My husband and I have both enjoyed dates that involved very little talking (sitting quietly at the library looking through magazines we don’t usually buy) or a great deal of talking (our coffee dates). We both love to spend our evenings in the same room, but we are often doing different things. Right now I am sitting on the couch writing this and he is watching TV and we a sharing a bag of Doritos. This is a perfect and normal evening for us.

Chapter 21 Observations and Quotations

Sexuality – While I do not agree that every man fits into the stereotype of being a sexual aggressor, I think a great many men do. I have heard from enough women who are living with refusers that lack passion and desire to know that its very common for a husband to not fit into this mould. Having said that, I believe that what we can take from this chapter is that if you are married to one of the many men who IS highly sexual, offering yourself to him sexually is going to communicate to him that you value him.

I loved the story of the mother who confronted her daughter about withholding sex. Truly, even if you are not a highly sexual woman, it really does not take a lot of effort to engage with your husband sexually throughout the week. That doesn’t mean it won’t take some time to figure out issues like frequency and what goes on in bed, but generally being free with your sexuality towards your husband is an important part of respecting him and showing him that you are committed to him.


  1. Ephesians 5:23 “For the husband is the head of the wife…” I’m not sure how this statement indicates anything other than the husband having authority over the wife. I can see though, how your childhood experience would change how you feel about that. That could not have been easy, and I’m sorry you had to experience that. However, I feel that wives so much dislike the “authority” of the husband that we tend to try to explain it away. Our society today screams everything BUT the authority of the husband. I’m not so sure if we realize just how much the world’s philosophy has crept into our Christian marriages in this way.
    I am adding this comment having not RECENTLY read this book, but I did last year. So feel free to discount my comment. 🙂 I just thought I’d throw in my two cents.

  2. My husband and I both came into our marriage thinking that no one has to be a leader-that we’re a team and we can make every decision together, but it simply didn’t work that way. There was a lot of frustration when we disagreed. We have realized (and my husband lovingly relayed to our friends just yesterday) that sometimes I lead and sometimes he leads. It depends on the situation. We love/respect each other for our unique talents and insights. Some situations are better for him to lead and others for me. I trust my DH to make wise decisions when it comes to fixing our cars. He trusts me to pay the monthly bills. We make alot of decisions together. When we simply disagree, sometimes I give in, sometimee he gives in. Since I read this book a couple months ago, I have tried hard to let him lead more and more, as it is a great sign of respect to him. What’s amazing though is that the more often I lovingly and respectfully let him lead, the more often he makes the choice I originaly wanted. (Although this can’t be used as manipulation to get one’s own way)
    When it comes to the sexuality, my husband and I don’t fit the mold. I have a much higher drive than he does. Our society does such a disservice to couples by making it seems like all men want is sex all the time. It makes a woman wonder what wrong with her. I am coming to peace with the fact that my husband thinks i’m hot, sexy, and desireable even when we don’t have sex everyday (yes, i know some women would roll their eyes at me complaining that i don’t get sex everyday:)

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