Finish the following sentence in the comment box:
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I wish my husband was more vocal about _______.
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…when he needs (rather than simply wants) sex.
…ditto.
what he wants me to do in bed. I know he is happy but I am usually the one who suggests things, thanks to you guys, and he always really loves it when I do. I think he just wants to make sure I am comfortable and knows I am willing so he wants me to set the parameters but it would be so hot if he were a bit more demanding in bed sometimes.
Hmmm I think I should tell him exactly that.
Everything. He’s not the best at letting my know what he needs thanks to childhood issues.
…what he thinks and feels. It’s hard for him to open up without being prompted heavily first. He doesn’t always share his opinions and thoughts and feelings with me about deeper issues.
Telling me I look cute, beautiful, sexy, ect. I know he is thinking it, but he won’t just open his mouth and say it. It would do wonders for my self confidence to know I am beautiful in his eyes.
I feel the exact same way and I know im attractive but I hate when total strangers give me complements that make me feel more beautiful in one moment than he makes me feel in days sometimes.
how much he loves me, and why. I know he does love me so much, but i want him to show me/tell me more than assuming i know, and getting caught up in day-to-day life.
I’m with you there
My husband is very vocal and constantly reminding me how beautiful and sexy I am which is very encouraging. However, he doesn’t always vocally acknowledge when I do things for him around the house. I love taking care of him and our home and I certainly don’t do it for recognition or accolades. I try to keep a joyful, positive attitude about taking care of the house because I do love serving him. But every once in awhile, it’d be nice to hear a “thank you for doing the laundry or the dishes or [insert whatever here].” I’d appreciate affirmation and it’d help motivate me more I think.
Ladies it struck me that each of your comments above is one I could have easily made two years ago. What changed for us was when I found CN and through this site found out about the 5 Love Languages. I am astonished at how different my marriage is now that I know his LL and he knows mine.
My H used to show his love largely by doing things like changing the oil in the car and making sure I had enough cash every time I went out of town, thoughtful and sweet but not too romantic; and what I needed was a little tasteful PDA and words of affirmation. When I got him to take the LL quiz…linked here on CN..it opened up conversation about what makes us both feel loved. I began loving him according to his language, acts of service, and he began making an effort to fill my love tank with physical touch and more quality time.
If you haven’t read it and USED it in your marriage I can’t urge you strongly enough to pick it up.
We have been married over 21 years and the year since reading The 5 Love Languages has been the happiest most loving of our relationship.
his dislikes. he tries not to hurt my feelings and many times it is months or years later before i find out that he doesn’t actually like my pork chops, tattoos, the way i do_______ when we’re making love…..
The 5 LL are absolutely awesome!! I completely agree, they taught me how to be more in tune with his love language and to be a better wife!
However, I would caution against using this knowledge to try and get your ‘own’ tank filled. Sometimes husbands just cannot ‘see’ what you mean and the more you try and ‘help’ them … well, the worse you make it.
Not all men are the ‘taking survey’ or ‘reading about the romantic side of marriage’ types. Wrong? Yes. Reality? Also, yes. I personally know of 3 marriages where the husbands fall into this category. These women struggled … terribly. They read the information (it was a small group setting) and it made perfect sense; so they started to move in the direction, with high hopes; but it backfired, because these particular men didn’t really ‘buy into it.’ The more the wives tried to ‘help’ them understand, the worse things got. And for 2 of the ladies in the group, they became … embittered towards their husbands, because they believed they were onto something … something good and Godly.
Its not that any of these husbands were ‘ogers’ or anything like that; they were caring men (in their own way) that provided amazingly for their families (in their own way) and would do anything for them (in their own way). Their husbands believed that they already WERE loving them … yet these women were saying they weren’t. The more these wives pushed, the more of a tight spot they were putting themselves in: they could keep pushing and create more stress in the marriage; or they could stop filling their husbands love tanks “because” theirs were not getting fuelled in return. The third option, which is the agape way … you love anyway, with the knowledge you have learned. (this was the 3rd wife’s choice).
Personally, I think that its not helpful to a marriage if both partners aren’t willing to do anything and everything to make their marriage better. However that would be slightly ‘utopian’ wouldn’t it? And we all know we don’t live in ‘Utopia’ … at least, not yet anyway.
The love languages are for … giving … not receiving. If you are filling your husband’s love tank and have any hope of reciprocation … then it could lead to problems; this gesture of love must be completely ‘others’ centered.
As I said … just a word of caution.
That is a good book. Just finished reading it. My DH and I have been trying to stay in tune to each other’s love languages. We did take the quiz (before I read the book) while we were engaged. I do feel though sometimes it’s narrowing because a lot of times I can have one love language in one situation and in another I have another love language that’s stronger. My primary love language is quality time and his primary is physical touch, but my second can vary given circumstances from physical touch to words of affirmation to acts of service. Neither of us are big on gift giving. I think you can be a mixture of both.
*a mixture of all of them that is.
absolutely, well said. I hope my post didn’t come across as using the book as a way to manipulate your H into loving you better. What I meant was that it can open up communication so that you can better understand him and he can better understand you and that you can buil a better relationship on that.
no, don’t worry tommygirl … it didn’t at all; this was just an experience that i walked through with this small group. i figured if these 3 guys were having that opinion about it … then there possibly could be others; and if one of the readers here at CN was married to one … it might give them some comfort to know that they are not alone.
Can your love language change after being married? I thought my love language was quality time and the more time I’ve been married I feel like it’s acts of service.
hannah re your above question absolutely they can change! I imagine particularly if you have children or other responsibilities that any thing he does to help you out makes you feel more loved than it would have when you were engaged. When I first took the quiz I had a three way tie with touch, time, and affirmation. Now that we share a lot more time my ache for it has decreased…I still love love love it but I don’t think it would come up as a LL for me as much as the other two still would.
Do you get your feelings hurt easily by things like the pork chops? Since our guys are wired to protect us if you can make a joke out of a meal or a plan that flops he might be more willing to be honest from the get go instead of trying to spare your feelings. I used to be overly sensitive to any sort of criticism and had the same issue with my H but over the years I have learned to have fun with my dibacles and he has learned that I will roll with it.
hi adam’s eve (nice nic by the way)
well, some would say ‘no’. i’m guessing psychology majors. however, if God can split a body of water in two; perform the immaculate conception; change simple h20 into vinno (in the blink of an eye with no fermentation time) … and an array of various other encore performances … really, i cannot see why He cannot change an inherent or inborn love language … if He needs or wants it to be so.
Thanks. Well, I did marry an actual Adam. haha. Great response, Robyn! Our God is a God of the impossible and miracles. I retook the quiz out of curiosity – still had Quality Time as my number one, tying with physical touch (surprising to me) and acts of service and gift giving tailing closely behind. I’ve spent some time praying and thinking about it and discussing it with my husband. I do appreciate the time we spend together and value it greatly, and while we’re spending time I’ve realize how important physical touch is to me these days. However, in our time not spent together, I greatly value when he spends the time making or finding gifts for me or doing things around the house for me, and it makes the time I do spend with my husband even more “quality” because I’m so appreciative of his thoughtfulness and generosity and I can be more focused and passionate because he’s helped me clean the house or done something else of significance for me which in turn eliminates distractions. So while my Love Language hasn’t changed primarily, the ones closest to it have enhanced my primary love language and have developed more fully since being married. I found it to be incredibly helpful given I was so closely tied on multiple ones to take the time to discuss this with my husband and to think about how the other secondary ones add to my primary.