Okay, I am going to start this off by saying I love you, honey, and you’re the best!! 🙂 That’s something we should say all the time!
Today’s article is in relation to an article that I read called 8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Husband by Denise Schipani. As I read through it, I realized that sometimes I have said things to my hubby that I meant differently but they came out the wrong way and it hurt him. What is it that the Bible says, “The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4). I know there are times when I need to stop crushing my husband’s spirit with my tongue. The times I do are not intentional. Anyhow, I thought we could discuss these 8 things that the article says you should never say, then see if we can come up with some more….
1. “You’re just like your father.” : Raising my hand that I have said this one and other variations of this one. From the looks I get from my DH, you would think I just insulted him. There are times when he does PHYSICALLY look like his Dad, which is not a bad thing, but when I say “You just looked like your Dad there.” well, that was probably not the thing to say. My DH is very different from his Dad, so when I feel that one on the tip of my tongue, I try to rephrase it.
2. “When are you going to find a new job?” : that one is not in my que. I grew up with a Dad that worked because he had to bring in a paycheck. I want my DH to do what he loves. He is much happier when he is doing what he loves in his work. Having a happy Daddy come home to our kiddos and not being in the camp where you need to stay outta Dad’s way when he gets home is so much better in my book. My hubby has a good reputation in his work. He may not be a lawyer, doctor or mechanic making big bucks, but who cares! As long as he is happy with what he does, I support him.
3. “My mother warned me you would do this!” : again, this isn’t relative to me at all. As you can see from my former article Cutting the Apron Strings Pt. 1 and Cutting the Apron Strings Pt. 2, I don’t share things about my life with my husband to my folks at all. Why would I? It makes me look like a whiney little kid and it puts a bad taste in their mouths about him, so I just never do it.
4. “Just leave it! I’ll do it myself!” : I don’t think I say this one out loud, but I know I do it with my actions. Or say it in my head. It’s just the Type A person I am. I do it at work. I do it at home. When our kids were little, I used to get so frustrated when he didn’t do things the way I did it, but I did learn that they did still work out just fine. I am still learning that sometimes I just need to let it be. He is a very capable man that can tear a Camaro apart and put it back together again, so surely he can handle other tasks around the house with ease as well.
5. You always _________ ” or ” You never __________”: Those words…always and never. Those are absolutes. I catch myself using them, but they aren’t true. He doesn’t ALWAYS do something or NEVER do things…. maybe he doesn’t do them as frequently as I would like, but saying, “You NEVER put your clothes in the vicinity of the laundry basket.” … well that’s not really true. I am sure he does sometimes. Maybe not as often as I like, but it is all in how I ask him.
6. Do you really think those pants are flattering? I know BOTH of us have had our issues with our weight and HE is the better one at working on controlling his weight through diet and exercise. I am the one who sees a Reeses Peanut Butter cup package in the vending machine at work and I swear I see my name on it. I won’t say I have never said anything, but I know myself that all I have to do is take a look in the mirror and see that I am no Bo Derek. I can see the plank in my eye, so I don’t complain about his. I DO try to tell him when he looks nice. We need to build up our men and not tear them down. Ephesians 4:29
7. “Ugh, we’re hanging out with him again?”: I happen to like all my hubby’s friends. Now I have been guilty of when a friend texts him at 11pm asking him to ignore it… Some of his friends actions do bother me, and I have been known to let my DH know it or encourage him to talk to his friends, but I hope that he doesn’t consider me rude or pushy when I do that.
8. “Please watch the kids. Don’t do this, take them here or forget that….”: When our kids were little, I might have been more inclined to say, or at least think something like this. I know our kids have fun with their Dad. My daughter adores him and looks forward to her “Daddy/Daughter Donut Days” My son loves shooting the breeze with him about baseball and learning how to drive 50 mph in a parking lot and learning how to come to an emergency stop in the car. He’s a cool parent and I let him parent the way he feels natural to do. I know he would never intentionally put the kids in harms way and I trust his judgment. Would I do some of the things that he does? Probably not, but that’s because I am the uncool parent. LOL!
Okay, reading #6 reminded me of one more that I think I really need to add, so here’s my #9….
9. “Honey, do these pants make my butt look big?”: All I have to say is if you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask.
So….what do you think about these? Are there others that we tend to say, not meaning to hurt our DH’s, but they end up doing any way? Advice ? Suggestions?
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Christian Nymphos 
Great article, Spicy Nutmeg! My DH recently made me aware of how I was tearing him down with my words, and I was totally unaware of it! It wasn’t the specific words that I was using, but it was a pattern of being argumentative … simply saying “no” to “everything” he said. For example, if he said, “The music is too loud,” I said, “No it’s not.” If he said, “Our children can load the dishwasher,” I said, “No, I’ll get it. They’ve got to do their homework.” If he said, “That sermon was awfully long,” I said, “No it wasn’t! Every word the pastor said was important!” Finally, when he said, “You argue with everything I say!” You’ll never guess what I said … “No I don’t!” And then I got it! He was right! I had no idea! I’m generally a very positive person, very loving and compassionate. I pride myself in the fact that I build my husband up while other wives bash their husbands. Why was I doing this? And why was it bothering him so much???
Since he made me aware of my pattern of behavior, I’ve come to the following conclusions: Although my DH and I love each other very much, we are very different and have differing opinions on some things. That’s normal. However, sometimes when he voices his opinion to me, rather than blasting back with my opinion, he needs me to acknowledge, accept, and sometimes appreciate his opinion. That doesn’t mean that I have to agree with him. It just means that I need to show him that I love and accept him and respect his ideas. And yes, he NEEDS this from me. He actually told me, “You’re my wife! You’re the only person I can pour my heart out to! If you don’t want me to shut down (quit sharing his heart with me), then stop disagreeing with everything I say!!!
I took his advice, and I’ve been much more aware of my responses to him. Ladies, our husbands are not the tough guys we think they are! Our words truly do have the power to build them up or tear them down. I’m so thankful for a DH that was able to verbalize that fact to me!
My husband’s love language is words of affirmation, so this is helpful in knowing what NOT to say. Although most of it I don’t say anyway, but there are a few things that were an “ouch”. Especially the saying with actions more than words. It’s easier for me to just do things myself!
Along with the fact men need respect.
Love this! Thank you!
I try to avoid those, but I fall into some of these traps. Particularly, “I’ll do it myself” jumped out at me. It’s not so much that I feel he is incapable of doing something right (sometimes I feel he may not know what he’s doing, so I think this is why I built the following habit), but I’m trying to make sure I don’t overburden him with details. I don’t want to be the kind of wife who demands he do this, that, and the other constantly, as if any given household chore or task is solely his responsibility, and another task as if it’s solely mine. What I mean when I say “I’ll do it myself,” is, “I’ll do this now, instead of making you do it, because I feel guilty asking you to do it in the first place when I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself.” But I say this when I know I’ve inconvenienced him in some way, like when he’s trying to focus on something else.
I guess partly why I do this is because I’ve watched other couples model for me, and the majority of them were bad models, so I try very hard not to make THEIR mistakes… and end up making them uniquely my own.
I hope I was clear with what I said… I’m not completely sure now.
I have twins and another twin mom whose kids are older told me “if you correct him or don’t allow him to do things because it isn’t ‘your way’ he will stop trying.” My H is a fabulous dad and it is at least partly because my friend taught me that it would be far better for all concerned if I took a few steps back, buttoned my lip and then thanked him for what he did to help out rather than critique, correct or deny him the chance.
Obviously this is true about more than just raising kids. It’s the old honey v. vinegar rule and as simple as it sounds it can be hard to put into action