The Importance of Thinking Sex

It may surprise you that although the CN girls are all focused on loving our husbands well and building deep intimacy in our marriages, some of us still sometimes have trouble keeping our drive up. I am one of them. If I get distracted because life gets busy or if  I expend too much energy on other things, it is easy for me to find myself struggling with a lower drive. And in my marriage my husband is the same way. If he is under a lot of stress or distracted by life he also finds that his drive is lower.

The best trick I have learned for changing the downward spiral in sex drive to an upward spiral is to make it a priority to think sex. Assuming that my husband is loving me well, because this is not as easy if I am feeling unloved, sometimes sexual arousal begins with a choice. A choice to think about your husband in a sexual way. If you find yourself in a place of apathy towards sex it really helps to focus your mind on sex with your husband. You might be going through your day caring for your kids and taking care of life, but if you take a moment to think ahead to the evening when you have the house or your room to yourself it can really help. Think about snuggling on the couch to watch TV or however you tend to spend your evenings at home and take it a step further to mentally choose that once you are there you are going to be an active participant in whatever happens.

After you have made this choice, it’s a really good idea to communicate what you are thinking to your husband so he can be involved in meeting you where you are at and you can journey through this mental foreplay together. Email, text or call him and let him know that you are looking forward to being with him in the evening. He’ll enjoy being involved in the process.

It may not sound as romantic as being swept away in emotional attraction, but if the alternative is continuing to allow yourself to be satisfied with less sex than is healthy for your marriage, thinking sex is a really good way to refocus you on sexual intimacy.

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

“Tom and Mary sitting in a tree.  K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”   Remember that rhyme from elementary school?  I remember being young and wondering what kissing was like.  For most of us, I think that first kiss is magical, but unfortunately they aren’t all like that!  I’ve been thinking lately of all the different ways to kiss, and how I like to kiss and how I like my husband to kiss me.  All of this thinking led to me coming up with my own different categories of kissers.  So humor me and read Cumingirls Kissing Categories, and see which one you are:

The Stoic kisser is one who likes closed mouth kisses.  She likes simple pecks and nothing too passionate.  Tongue is definitely out.

The Poser likes open mouth kisses, but doesn’t like to use tongue.  It looks passionate and involved from the outside, but on the inside there is no action to speak of.

The Teaser likes to plant soft, feathery kisses on her husband’s mouth and face.  Kisses so gentle that her spouse can barely feel it.  It leaves him wanting more.

The Uninvolved kisser doesn’t mind having her spouse give some tongue action, but she herself is mainly motionless.

The Nibbler likes to use teeth.  Frequently she will nibble on one of her husband’s lips while kissing.  She thinks love nips are sensual.

The Fencer likes to have full-fledged tongue duels.  The more tongue action the better, and she wants lots of reciprocation from her spouse!

The Miner may seem sometimes as if she is digging for gold.  She may be able to tell how many cavities her husband has because of all her poking and prodding!

The Sloppy Kisser is a bit of a mess when it comes to kissing.  Sometimes there is excess drool and most of the time both parties will need to wipe their face afterward. 😆

The Chaotic kisser is all over the place with no rhyme or reason to her madness.  She doesn’t seem to have a rhythm or pattern and the husband is often unsure how to respond exactly, so he just lets her go wild.

The Romantic kisser is tender, loving, and involved.  At times she takes things slow and easy, but she knows when to turn up the heat and knock his socks off.  Her unbridled passion is shown through her kisses.

So, did you see yourself in one of those categories?  What about your husband?  I shared this list of categories with my husband and we discussed which category we thought the other was in.  My husband says that every so often I am a Nibbler or a Teaser, but more often than not I am a Romantic kisser.  What about you?

Q&A: “Submit-Date”

“If anyone here watches a certain daytime talk show host who is mega wealthy.  She had a two-part show with a so-called sexpert on who had a neat idea.  A “submit date” for a lack of better terms.  She was counseling a dominant female and a submissive male, not in an S&M sense but more in an extrovert introvert sense.  The couple had to go on a date where the man chose everything down to what the lady wore out for the evening and she had to let him.  I was just wondering if any of you saw it and what your thoughts were on this.  My wife is a real planner and I do that kind of thing for a living so when I get home I often do not feel like making a lot of decisions.  She and I have been talking about going on one of these dates ever since.  We think it may be interesting if only for the fact that it would get both of us out of our comfort zone and change up the routine. What are your thoughts?  Any ideas on how to make this fun?”

First of all I do not watch that mega wealthy daytime talk show host.  However, a ‘submit date’ sounds very intriguing!  Surely we can think of some ideas to go along with this!  Let’s look at a ‘submit date’ and come up with a list of things that the dominant spouse could get to decide on:

  • Day and time of date
  • Childcare arrangements
  • Attire for both of you
  • Whether or not you will wear undies or lingerie under clothes
  • Vehicle to use
  • Music to listen to in vehicle
  • Dinner reservations or arrangements
  • What you both will eat
  • Where you go after dinner
  • What movie you see
  • Who will drive
  • Whether cell phones are allowed on date
  • When sex will happen on date
  • Where sex will happen on date
  • What positions will be used
  • Who gets to orgasm first
  • How many times sex will happen
  • Sexual techniques
  • If you shower together beforehand or afterward

Oh the ideas could be endless!  I am a planner.  I like things to be organized and planned well in advance, so for me to hand over the ‘power’ so to speak, to my husband, would be… a huge step for me.  That would definitely be out of my comfort zone.  In fact, he probably wouldn’t believe me if I told him I’d be willing to do this! 😆

If any of you get the courage to try out a date such as this, please write in and let us know how it goes!  I’d love to hear from people who have gone through with it.  Maybe you could share some tips with the rest of us!


Domination Play

When someone mentions a “dominatrix,” what does your mind conjure up?  For most people, it’s a woman donned in black leather or vinyl lingerie, black stiletto thigh high boots, and she’s carrying a whip.  Was this similar to what you were thinking?  Some people do live a life that revolves around hard-core domination and a BDSM type of lifestyle.  They may or may not dress that way.  For the purposes of this article we will not be talking about using domination as a fetish, as people in BDSM do.  So let me go ahead and say that I do not agree with any lifestyle or sexual inclination involving pain or humiliation.

Now that we have that out of the way… Domination play can be fun!  How would it feel ladies, to turn the tables on your darling husband?  Take a minute to think about it, especially you women out there who are usually very quiet and mild mannered.  Think about this scenario:  Your husband comes home from work one day to find you cooking dinner like usual, except that there is something slightly different, and at first he can’t put his finger on it.  You greet him with a kiss and as you hug him you say into his ear:  Tonight you’re mine… and then you gently bite his earlobe.  You go finish cooking and for the rest of the evening, whenever you pass him you grope him or give him a very sly look.  Once the kids are in bed, you tell him that you expect him in the bedroom in five minutes, and then you disappear into the bedroom yourself.  When he comes looking for you, you shut the door and lock it, push him up against the wall, and kiss him passionately.  You start undressing him.  He attempts to help but you swipe his hands away and tell him “No” pretty firmly.  You look him in the eyes and tell him that this night will go exactly as you want it to go, and you ask if he understands.  You undress him (and have fun doing it) and then you tell him to undress you…slowly.  He obeys and when he is finished you push him to the bed and straddle his face so that he can pleasure you.  (Of course you pleasure him too.)  Throughout the rest of the night you give orders and assert yourself, all the while making sure that your husband is enjoying what is happening.  You call the shots.  You decide on the positions.  You say when it ends.

Think you could do something like that?  Of course that is just a basic outline, and it can be changed to suit you and your husband, but the whole point is to get you to think about taking charge for once.  How do you think your husband would react to a situation like above?  Do you think it would be a turn on?  Would he wonder what had possessed his normally demure wife?

To many men, a woman who isn’t afraid to take control every once in a while is a good thing.  Having a wife who knows how to assert herself sometimes is a big turn on!  I mean, think about it.  If you are always the quiet natured ‘good girl’ and you are always letting him initiate and having him dictate how things go, then don’t you think he may grow tired of having to fill that role?  Constantly having to be the predator can just plain get old.  Take this recent email for example:

“My wife and I found your website and just love it!  It has really helped us break out of a rut and enjoy our love life more, and we have been encouraged to try new things that have drawn us closer.  One question we had is about light domination, or role-reversal play.  My wife is not exactly a dominatrix by nature, but she’s curious about it and I would just love for her to take a little control and assert herself, in the bedroom and out.  My gorgeous wife being dominant is just very appealing and sexy to me, but we don’t know if this crosses any lines.  Does this go against biblical teaching on the roles of husband and wife?”

Here is a husband who wants his wife to step up and take the reins sometimes!  And no, I don’t believe this goes against any biblical teachings.  God did say that the husband’s body is not his alone, but also belongs to his wife!  So as long as the husband and wife mutually consent to a little domination play, then have some fun!  You could even purchase an outfit as described in the opening paragraph if you want to!  Stilettos can be useful in many situations 😉

So ladies out there, I just wanted to leave you with something new to ponder this week.  Think about a little domination play, and if you think your husband would like it.  You don’t have to do the scenario I laid out.  You can come at it from any angle you think of.  Have fun!

Dirty & Messy!

Okay, here we go.  Talking about dirty and messy sex!  You may be sitting there wondering what exactly it is that I’m hinting at here.  After all the other topics that we’ve covered on this blog, what could possibly be dirty?

Do you remember that book where the husband and wife were painting a room, and then they kissed and accidentally got paint on each other.  Then the next thing you know they are rolling around on the tarp making out and not caring where the paint goes?  Maybe you didn’t read that book.  Okay, well how about the movie Ghost?  You remember the scene with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore where they are making pottery together on the spinning wheel, and their hands connect on the clay, and then their hands end up all over each other?  They didn’t stop to go shower first.  They just let it happen.  Ahhh, they were in love…

I think the closest to “dirty sex” that we’ve ever came, was on the beach.  Boy, when we were finished, we had sand in places that did not need sand!  When it comes to getting down and dirty, I tend to think that maybe the movies (and books) tend to make it sound so much more glorious than it would really be in real life.  I know that if my husband and I tried doing the paint thing, I would be wondering the entire time how I was going to get that Dutch Boy Cat’s Eye Green out of my hair!  (Maybe I’m just too practical?)

Oh I know there are edible body paints just for this purpose, but I can’t seem to get motivated to even try those!  I think that part of the passion and allure and romance of these silly movies is that the couple wasn’t planning on making love.  It just happened, and instead of freaking out over it, they just let it happen and decided to deal with the consequences (like paint or mud in their hair) afterwards.  And then we women sit here thinking how romantical it is on the screen.  (Yes, I realize I just made that word up.)

We did recently get an email related to this subject:

“My husband and I are wanting to try oil wrestling together. What types of oils would you recommend? I’m having trouble finding ones that are ok to use while having sex that would feel good all over and create a shiny slick skin.”

Well, I know that we here at CN tend to talk about Coconut Oil a lot.  There is a reason for that.  It is amazing!  I’m sold on coconut oil.  We have used it before to give each other an all over body massage, and it was divine!  Afterward we did make love while we were both coated in it and it was such a unique experience!  The coconut oil does give you both very slick skin.  If you have candle light, or a fireplace,  then your bodies will shine or glisten.    I mentioned this in my article:  Sexual Play Using Coconut Oil.

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I’ve heard other people talk of spreading a waterproof mattress cover over their bed, and then going to town with different foods and sauces.  While that may seem like a fun idea to many, it really doesn’t appeal to me very much.  I mean goodness, think of all the clean up afterwards!  And I can’t tell you what I’d do if chocolate sauce dripped on my beige carpet ❗   We’ve tried the whole “whipped cream” angle before, and it didn’t do much for us either.  I guess we are just one of those couples where food and sex don’t mix.

So… dirty sex.  Do you like it, or are you like me?  Have you ever had an experience where you and your husband were covered in, say… chocolate pudding perhaps, and you think that was the most passionate time you’ve ever had?  If so, maybe I could learn a few things from you!  For now I guess I’ll just stay in my own little safe world, where things like paint and pudding do not go anywhere near penises  😆

Oh, and if you have any other suggestions for our couple who wrote in wanting to try oil wrestling, then leave your advice in the comment box!

Spanking, For Pleasure?

We have heard from several of you, asking about spanking. “Is it okay that I like this?” “Is it wrong for Christians to do?” “How do you feel about spanking?” Well, that kind of depends. If spanking is being used as a form of discipline or punishment, (as sometimes seen in the “Domestic Discipline” lifestyle) then I do not agree with it. That is a separate article in itself and will be addressed at a later time. If the spanking has become a fetish, then again I start to have red flags going up in my head. We will also have an article devoted to fetishes at a later date. But for the sake of this article, let’s just talk about the occasional, consensual swat to the backside during foreplay or sex between a husband and a wife.

Many couples have discovered that the occasional “spank” can be a turn on, and why not? There are many things that we do during foreplay, such as kissing, caressing, rubbing, nibbling, licking, stroking, massaging, etc. All of those things feel good to us, and arouse us. Some women are also very aroused to feel a half-hearted smack to the rear, or a smack and massage to the buttocks. It can add to the excitement and get the adrenaline pumping!

There are sexual positions that allow for it as well. Woman on top is a good one, where the husband’s hands can easily wrap around to the wife’s bum. Reverse cowgirl may be another one. And, of course, there is rear entry, where the wife’s hinny is right there for the taking! Don’t forget that we women can dish it out too! Missionary or CAT position are both nice positions where our hands can wrap around and reach our husband’s posterior.

Giving a “love tap” from time to time does need to be mutually agreed upon by both spouses. It is not a positive experience when a husband does this to a wife that isn’t expecting it, or vice versa. So make sure that you are communicating your desires and expectations to each other. If one of you is uncomfortable with this, then don’t pursue it.  There are several reasons why a person may not like this kind of play.

I’ll end this article with one word of caution. Make sure that you both are able to fully enjoy sex without feeling a need to spank. If you have to use the spanking in order to become aroused or enjoy sex, then you are crossing over to the fetish arena, and that isn’t healthy. So as long as you both feel the freedom to experience this or not experience this, when you make love, then have fun!

The Humor In Sex

When is the last time you laughed during sex? For me, it was two days ago. My husband followed me into my walk-in closet and closed the door behind us. I laughed as he told me that we had not ever done the deed in my closet before. I then giggled some more as we went about trying to find positions that would accommodate us in my cramped closet! 😆

I personally think that a healthy sex life should have some degree of humor in it. I’m not saying that you should laugh every time you do it. I do realize that there are times for serious emotional lovemaking. However, there is something to be said about the couple that is able to occasionally let loose, and not take themselves so seriously all the time.

I treasure those times when my husband is playful with me. And he loves it when I’m in an adventurous mood! Trying new positions is one thing that will usually get us laughing. Sometimes the positions just don’t quite work out the way we think they should, and we end up rolling with laughter!

Other things that have gotten us to laugh have been costumes and role-playing stuff. I remember once, when my husband even wrote me a short script. Every time I got to this one particular line, I started laughing so hard, and couldn’t stop. It took several “takes” for me to say it halfway right. We have it on video, and now when we watch it, we giggle and remember how much fun that was.

I could go on and on and on here, listing tons of examples of when we have laughed in our bedroom. Those are special times between us that we’ll never experience with anyone else. That is the beauty of marriage. But I would love to hear from any of you out there. What role does humor play in your marriage bed? How often do you laugh with your spouse behind closed doors?

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