A Tender Touch

I got this from the library of emails from Dr. Gary Chapman, author of  Five Love Languages.  This is the one I need a lot of work on, so I thought I would pass it on in case there are other “SpicyNutmegs” out there needing help with this language….

Keeping emotional love alive in a marriage makes life much more enjoyable. How do we keep love alive after the “in-love” emotions have evaporated? I believe it is by learning to speak each other’s “love language.” This week we will focus on physical touch.

For some husbands, when they hear the words physical touch, they immediately think of sex. But sexual intercourse is only one of the dialects of this love language. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, back rubs, or an arm around the shoulder are all ways of expressing love by physical touch.

Physical touch can make or break a marital relationship. Do you know how to speak this love language? To the spouse whose primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than your tender touches. You may give them words of affirmation or gifts, but nothing communicates love like physical touch.

Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return. Remember, you are learning to speak a new language.

When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, “What if I’m just not a toucher? I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family.” The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.

Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? During these times, we need to feel loved more than anything. All marriages will experience crises. Disappointments are a part of life. The most important thing you can do for your wife in a time of crisis is to love her. If her primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate that you care. In a time of crisis, a hug is worth more than a thousand words. Physical touch is a powerful love language.

Romantic Getaways

By the time this article is published, my DH and I will have returned from our family vacation.  We, along with our kids, have made this a priority every year for the past 3 years.  (This being our 4th)  This year is very special to us though.  During the middle of the vacation, we were afforded the opportunity to have a little romantic getaway without the kids.

I cannot possibly tell you how much these little getaways mean to me.  When the kids were younger, I wouldn’t do it.  I would think about the kids so much.  Were they ok?  Did they miss me?  Did they NEED me?  No one could replace me.   No one could take care of the kids as well as I could.  But what about my marriage?  What about my husband?  Didn’t he….didn’t WE deserve a chance to be the lovers we were meant to be?

You see, we were pregnant 5 months after we got married.   We never really had the opportunity to explore our sexuality together before our son came.  Our first anniversary was spent in Galveston and I was 7 months pregnant at the time.  Kinda hard to enjoy yourself when you are that far along.  It just went downhill from there.   Baby cries all night, feedings in the middle of the night, not enough sleep, going back to work and the guilt of putting the baby in daycare….it went on and on.  Our sex life didn’t….

So that is why this private time for us is so very important.  We started making weekly date nights.  The kids are old enough that we do our date while they are involved with Wednesday night activities at church.   On occasion, we plan something on a Friday night.   Our oldest is old enough to babysit, so we feel that our youngest is safe.  I have to admit that I have finally allowed us to go for dates with him babysitting where we get in very late…. going to concerts across the border and driving home afterwards.   I haven’t quite felt confident enough to let him babysit his sister overnight….not anything to do with my son, it’s still me.  But my parents and my mother in law have been awesome about keeping both kids while we go spend time by ourselves.   It is truly a blessing for us and our marriage.

Now, we’re back to work and the real world, trying to figure out how to have those date nights over the summer when church activities are done until the summer ends.   It is so important for your marriage to find a way to have date nights.  Do a babysitting swap with friends.   Someone from church.  A family member.   Make sure that your priorities in life are (1) God  (2) your spouse (3) your children and so forth…. Take my advice…it wasn’t fun when I put the kids before both my husband and God.

What are your experiences with dating your hubby or getaways just the two of you.  How often do you date?  Get away from it all?

Love Language Minute: Love Makes the Difference

I really do believe that “love makes the world go round”.  Why?  Because God is love.  It is His love for us that makes all of life meaningful.  So, what does that you have to do with marriage?  God made us for each other.  Husband and wife are designed to work together as a mutual support team to discover and fulfill God’s plans for their lives.

In a word, love is the choice to look out for each other in the same way that God looks out for us.  It doesn’t require warm feelings, but it does require an open heart.

Spouses become God’s agent for helping their partners feel loved. Few things are more important than encouraging one’s spouse to accomplish God’s plans.  Marriage is designed to help us accomplish more for God.  Two are better than one in His kingdom.

If we do not feel loved in marriage, our differences are magnified.  We come to view each other as a threat to our happiness.  We fight for self-worth and significance, and marriage becomes a battlefield rather than a haven.

Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us.  In the security of love, a couple can discuss differences without condemnation.  We discover how to bring out the best in each other.  The decision to love your spouse holds tremendous potential.

I believe that love really does make the difference between success and failure in a marriage.  Keep in mind that love is not a feeling, but love stimulates feelings.  When we learn to love each other effectively, we keep warm emotional feelings alive.

Excerpt taken from Dr. Gary Chapman

I love him because….

It is so very easy to look at our husbands and see the bad….admit it, sometimes we see the dirty clothes all over the floor, the toothpaste tube squeezed from the middle, the kids need baths and he’s watching football on tv, I made this wonderful dinner and he didn’t even bother to call me to tell me he was late!   All of these things compound up, day after day, but have you taken the time to look for the positive?

Love, what is it?  A feeling?  No.   Feelings come and go like waves lapping on the beach.   Love is a commitment.  Love works through that laundry on the floor and sees the man who fixed your washing machine so you don’t have to drag all your unmentionables back down to the laundrymat again this week.   Love looks past all the wrongs, the faults, the sin…and sees him through God’s eyes.   A cherished human being that God sacrificed his Son for.  Agape.  That’s what love is.   It’s not a crush, you don’t love him like ice cream (well, maybe you do…), but it’s self sacrificing love.

Here’s my challenge to you.   Sit down and instead of writing down all his faults, take a moment and finish this statement with 10 answers

I love him because….

Here’s mine…in no particular order

I love him because….

1.  he loves me unconditionally.

2.  he can do anything he sets his mind to.

3.  he is a wonderful father to our two children.

4. he is a gentle and thoughtful lover.

5.  he is so devoted to his family.

6.  he works 6 days a week to provide for us and to care for his ailing father.

7.  he calls me sexy on a daily basis.

8.  he pursued me relentlessly, and helped me to see he was whom God intended for me.

9.  he would never leave me or forsake me for any reason.

1o.  he’s my best friend.

Can you do it?   If you don’t want to post it in the comment section, write them out and put it in a special place where he’ll find it.  You will make his day!  Happy writing!!  🙂

Love Language Minute: Helping Your Husband Grow

Wives can’t change their husbands, but wives can and do have a tremendous influence on their husbands.  How can you make that influence positive?

1.    Men respond positively to praise. One of the most common complaints men make in my office is: “Dr. Chapman, in my work I am respected.  People come to me for advice.  But at home, all I get is criticism.”  What she considers suggestions, he reads as criticism.  Her efforts to stimulate growth have backfired.

Give him praise.  The fastest way to influence a husband is to give him praise.  Praise him for effort, not perfection.  You may be asking, But if I praise him for mediocrity, will it not stifle growth?  The answer is a resounding “No”.  Your praise urges him on to greater accomplishments.

My challenge is to look for things your husband is doing right and praise him.  Praise him in private, praise him in front of the children, praise him in front of your parents and his parents, praise him in front of his peers.  Then stand back and watch him go for the gold.

2.   Requests are more productive than demands. None of us like to be controlled, and demands are efforts at controlling.  “If you don’t mow the grass this afternoon, then I’m going to mow it.”  I wouldn’t make that demand unless you want to be the permanent lawn mower.  It is far more effective to say, “Do you know what would really make me happy?”  Wait until he asks, “What?” Then say, “If you could find time this afternoon to mow the grass.  You always do such a great job.”

Let me illustrate by applying the principle to you.  How do you feel when your husband says “I haven’t had an apple pie since the baby was born.  I don’t guess I’m going to get any more apple pies for eighteen years”?  Now, doesn’t that motivate you?    But what if he says, “You know what I’d really like to have?  One of your apple pies.  You make the best apple pies in the world.  Sometime when you get a chance, I’d really love one of your apple pies.  Chances are he’ll have an apple pie before the week is over.  Requests are more productive than demands.

3. Love is a two way street. If a wife wants to enhance her husband’s ability to give her emotional love, perhaps her greatest influence will be in loving him.  In my book, The Five Love Languages, I talk about the importance of discovering your husband’s primary love language – the thing that really makes him feel loved: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, physical touch, or acts of service.  Once you discover it, pour it on.  Husbands are drawn to wives who are meeting their emotional need for love.

Can you do it, even if he is not loving you.  God did.  He loved us when we were unlovely.  But that’s God.  I’m me.  I know, but you are God’s child and He can empower you to love an unlovely spouse.  I’ve seen it many times.  A wife chooses to speak her husband’s love language, even though she doesn’t feel loved by him.  He warms up and in time begins expressing her love language.  Can emotional love be re-born in a marriage? You bet.  But someone must begin the process.  Why not you?

4. Defensiveness reveals the inner self. A wife says, “Why does my husband get so defensive?  All I have to do is mention that the grass needs mowing and he goes ballistic.”

This husband is revealing his self-esteem hot spot.  Some experience in his past has tied his sense of self worth to mowing the grass.  Your mention of the grass translates “She thinks I’m not doing my job.  I work like crazy, and now she is on my case about the grass.”  He sees it as a negative statement about his worth.

I know you didn’t mean it that way.  That’s why I suggesting you observe his defensiveness, so that you can learn what is going on inside of him.  We don’t know these emotional hot spots until we touch one.  It would be a good idea to make a list of all your husband’s defensive reactions.  Note what you said and did and how he responded.  This insight will help you discover another way to discuss the topic that will be less threatening to his self-esteem.

Both husbands and wives hold a tremendous influence on their spouse. However, it is up to you whether your influence is positive.

Excerpt taken from Dr. Gary Chapman

Being Sharpened

As iron sharpens iron,
so one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

Are you afraid of sharpening? Does the pain and discomfort negate the vision for potential fruit? Does the risk that it may not bring the fruit you hope it will keep you from pressing in when you are feeling pressure from the chisel? I wish I could say that I have always answered those questions positively with brave certainty, but the truth is that I haven’t. And sometimes I have believed one thing to be true until it was tested and I realized that I was drawn more to what was familiar and safe than being willing to walk confidently into the process of sharpening. What I can say, though, is that part of my process of maturing in Christ has involved repeatedly seeing that the process does in fact always produce godly fruit if we have are looking to find God in the situation. If we have rebellious and resistant hearts, then any fruit is not usually lasting.

So why am I talking about this on the CN blog? Because marriage is one of the best ways to see this iron sharpening in action. In fact, my husband and I are in a season of sharpening at the moment and even though we are not even through it yet, I am seeing the hand of God in it. And I am seeing that the fruit of it is good. The fruit is deeper intimacy. I am finding that one of the things which contributes to a trial without fruit is fear. Fear of upsetting your spouse. Fear of being honest and admitting an error. Fear of failing your spouse’s expectations. When we are operating out of a place of fear, it causes us to feel the need to hide as Adam and Eve did in the beginning.

Up until recently, I had been encountering people who were trying to convince me that conflict was a positive thing. The problem is that, for some reason, the people telling me that were more highly combative than myself in conflict so what they were saying seemed like it had some truth in it, but to receive it was like trying to grasp the air. It has been in the safe and maturing relationship with my husband that I have finally been able to begin to understand. You see, I have a husband who has dedicated himself to integrity and submission to the process of sanctification so the result of him maturing in Christ is that more and more with each passing year God gives him revelation and insight into my heart. He sees me as God sees me. And because I have committed myself to the same character development we are finally, after over a decade in marriage, beginning to be able to enter a conflict without our own perspective on the world being the only one we see. For the first time in my life, my husband and I are in a conflict (not with each other, but with a stressful circumstance) and I do not feel negatively about it. It’s hard, but I don’t feel the anxiety that I used to during conflict.

With my growing confidence that it is safe to fail my husband and know that he will extend me grace, I am becoming free from fear. As we become more aware that we have different instinctual ways of communicating and work to honour the other’s natural response to conflict, the sharpening process between us is a lot easier. It’s getting less important to me to try to change my husband’s natural tendency to be someone who processes his thoughts by talking. And it’s getting less important to my husband that I process my thoughts internally first and then speak them out. The times when I am silent are less of a mystery to him now.

The longer I walk with God, the more I feel optimistic about this sharpening that he allows in our lives. It’s never pleasant. He doesn’t enter the scene on a white horse and take all our troubles away, but when He enters He does redeem what we offer Him. So the next time you begin to feel the pressure from the chisel, press in a little bit and invite God in.

But the Greatest of These is Love

“We love each other, but sometimes love isn’t enough.”

“I love him, but I’m not IN love with him.”

My own father used that first one on me, not referring to his relationship with my mother, I never remember him telling me he loved her, but of one of his subsequent marriages. The second quote is one I have heard often and that has ended up in the CN email inbox numerous times. What do those comments reveal about us? To me they show that as a society we have come to believe and accept that love should always make us feel good. That love is a temporary emotion which lacks any significant strength in our relationships. That love is determined not by an internal commitment, but by our external circumstances.

What do you think the difference is that people are trying to convey when they make statements about loving their spouse vs. being “in love” with their spouse. To me they are two sides of the same coin and it is important to be intentional about pursuing both in marriage. Even the Bible speaks of people being in love.

Jacob was in love with Rachel. (Gen 29:18)

Samson fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah. (Jug 16:4)

Saul’s daughter Michal was in love with David. (Sam 18:20)

In every case the use of the phrase “in love” is use when speaking of romantic love. So then, is being in love about emotions and passion? Perhaps so. That passion is important and if we get apathetic about romancing our spouse it is very easy for that passion to get extinguished. It’s at this point that people use the above phrase, “I love him, but I’m not IN love with him.” The passionate feelings are gone. The desire as been diminished. All because both the husband and the wife pulled back and became inattentive and indifferent, and it was probably not intentional.

So once people have fallen out of love, what is the solution. First of all, turn to the Author and Perfecter of Love, the Source of Love, the One who established marriage and wants the BEST for us in our covenant with our spouse. Prayerfully invite Him to teach the two of you how to romance each other again, to stir your hearts for one another again, to take the two of you into a depth of intimacy and passion that you can not get to on your own. Seek out his Word both in the Bible and that has repeatedly been spoken over you by the Body of Christ. My husband and I have had so many people speak the same blessing over us that we began to think that everyone heard that blessing, but that is not the case. That is a promise for us. And look at Scripture!

Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.” (SOS 8:7 — this spoken after many years of marriage)

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Rom 8:28)

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Cor 13:4-5)

“Do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature ; rather, serve one another in love.” (Gal 5:13)

“I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Eph 4:1-3)

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” (Phi 2:1-3)

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (Col 3:13-15)

What amazing encouragement and what a practical guide for how to love well. I get excited reading all those promises and that is just the tip of the ice burg. Scripture is FILLED with promises like that. So if you have fallen out of love, start speaking those things over your marriage and start acting them out by the power of the Spirit of God within you. I mean, my goodness, let’s speak those fantastic things out even if we are enjoying great joy in our marriage relationship.

Once you have called out to God to restore your love, start seeking out godly mentors who can model and teach you authentic love in marriage. You’ll find a lot of women who read and comment here at Christian Nymphos to be a great resource and, of course, we who operate this site want to give you as many tools, ideas and support as we can in your journey with your husband. Be careful about disparaging remarks that your friends make about their husbands or men in general. This will not be helpful to you if you are already feeling a negativity about your marriage.

I’d really encourage a couple who has fallen out of love to begin studying their spouse. Go on dates. Think about The Five Love Languages. Spend a lot of time looking for the treasure in them. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Find out what their dreams are or, if their dreams have dimmed, stir up those things again in them. Make yourself the safest place for your spouse to rest, trusting fully in your faithfulness no matter what your circumstances are.

“We love each other, but sometimes love isn’t enough.”

Don’t settle for less than what God has said about love. Are we always going to live in the perfect love of God? One day, but as it stands now, sometimes we cease to live in the power of the Spirit that is in us. Sometimes we fail at living out perfect love. But I am not going to let that stop me from trying. I am going to go after perfect love if it kills me, and it probably will. I need my selfishness to die. The pride of needing to have my voice heard in situations where God has asked me to be silent. The unrighteous anger that sometimes rears it’s ugly head and demands my own way. When it dies, my Lord will rise higher and all that is mine in this mystery life in the Spirit (Romans 8) will be made complete. That is worth fighting for. Love is enough. True, godly love, is always enough. Sometimes it is all we have left, and it is enough.

Sex Survey

We originally saw this survey on The Marriage Bed Forum (see link to TMB in blogroll) and while we do have it on our blog in the comment section of one of our articles it didn’t have it’s own article until now.

The questionnaire below can be filled out and shared with your spouse on an evening away. You can also fill out the answers trade sheets and spend the next few weeks surprising each other. The key is to get talking often simple things are hard to reveal. Some questions use the code at the top of each section, some questions are fill in the blank ,some leave you a place to check your choice and some give you a place to write. Remember the more open and secure we can be with each other the stronger our relationship and the better the sex. Why are you waiting get going!!!

(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ share my fantasies with my partner
I ____ to have sex ___ daily, ___ 2x week, ___ 3x week, ___ 1x week, ___ never stop
I ____ being ravished
I ____ sex in the ___morning, ___afternoon, ___evening best
I ____ to find my partner naked ready for sex
I need to have more sex ___yes, ___ no
I need less sex than my spouse ___often, ___sometimes, ___ never
When my spouse rubs, massages my ______ I want sex instantly
My partner’s satisfaction is just as important as mine __always , __sometimes, __never
I am turned on when my spouse tells me they love me by ___________
I have a lot of fantasies __yes __no
I feel comfortable sharing my fantasies with my spouse ___ yes, ___no

(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ it really slow and erotic with lots of touching
I ____ to give my spouse massages
I ____ to shower with my spouse
I ____ to see my spouse partially clothed
I ____ my nipples pinched massaged squeezed
I ____ to watch my spouse masturbate
I ____ to masturbate
I ____ to mutually masturbate with my spouse
I ____ when my spouse offers themselves to me

(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ it when my partner tells me they are not wearing underwear
I ____ my partner to wear something I can tear off them
I ____ my partner to dress scantly
I ____ to see my spouse in a thong
I ____ exposing parts of my body to attract attention
I ____ my spouse to wear a skirt with crotch less panties / hose

(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ the missionary position
I ____ to be on the bottom
I ____ to 69
I ____ the woman on top facing away
I ____ to be on top
I ____ anal sex
I ____ it Doggy style
I ____ side by side

(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ sex in the shower
I ____ sex on the dining room table
I ____ sex on the kitchen counter
I ____ sex in an office
I ____ sex in the living room
I ____ sex in cars or vans
I ____ sex outdoors
I ____ sex in the pool
I ____ sex in the hot tub

(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ my spouse to make noise during sex
I ____ talking dirty to my spouse
I ____ to make my spouse yell out with passion during sex
I ____ it when my spouse uses short phrases like YES, Faster, Harder, repeatedly
I ____ it when my spouse tells me to _____ them now

I climax stronger and faster when my spouse talks dirty ___ yes, ___ no
I am turned off when my spouse talks dirty ___ yes, ___ no
I am turned on when my spouse talks dirty ___ yes, ___ no
I am turned off when my spouse use clinical terms ___ yes, ___ no

(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ to finger my spouse to orgasm
I ____ to be fingered to orgasm
I ____ giving oral sex
I ____ receiving oral sex
I ____ my spouse to perform oral sex without my asking

(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ to skinny dip
I ____ to use a vibrator
I ____ to use lube
I ____ to eat ____ fruit off your naked body
I can’t stand it when the dog or cat is watching us have sex ___ yes, ___ no
My favorite thing you wear to tell me you want sex is _______
My favorite food to play with during sex is __________
I like sex best when we ___________
The best time we had sex was __________

Sexual Revolution (part 1)

Imagine this….a cold, wintery night….you and your dh, alone in a cabin in the Rocky Mountains.    Maybe you are snowed in.    There is  a huge fire in the fireplace, bear skin rug on the floor…. there is a warm glow in the room as the flames flicker higher and higher….the sexual tension is very high between the two of you.  It is hard to distinguish whether you are hot because of the flames in the fireplace or the flames inside your bodies.    You have anything at your disposal…your favorite lube, scented oils or lotion, romantic music, rose petals….you are beaming at your hubby, and he is beaming back…and above the both of you, God is watching and smiling.   There is about to be a revolution… a sexual revolution right in your own marriage bed.

When you hear the term “sexual revolution”, what do you think of?   Do you think of the 1960’s and sexual freedom?   Free love?  Wikipedia says this of the Sexual Revolution,

“The 1960s heralded a new culture of “free love” with millions of young people embracing the hippie ethos and preaching the power of love and the beauty of sex as a natural part of ordinary life. Hippies believed that sex was a natural biological phenomenon which should not be denied or repressed. Changes in attitudes reflected a perception that traditional views on sexuality were both hypocritical and chauvinistic.”

Wow.  Traditional views on sex are hypocritical?  Really?   In a Godless world, I can see that thought pattern being true, but Christian, we know better.   We know that the God of the universe created sex right along with the sun, moon and stars.

I started reading a bible study from Ed Young Ministries that I want to touch on in a series of articles.    It is aptly titled “Sexual Revolution”, but his revolution is much different that the thinking of the 60’s and 70’s.   In his study he asks us to renew our mind in the way we think of sex.  Romans 12:1-2 tells us

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Let me take you all the way back to the beginning…Genesis tells us the order in which God created things.   Genesis 1:24-25 tells us “And God said,

“Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.”

So the animals are all created.   But you notice what comes next in verse 26-28?

“Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

Okay, I may be pretty dense here, just now realizing what this really means.   In the Sexual Revolution of the 60’s, people were degrading themselves as far as sex was concerned…remember when I said earlier “Hippies believed that sex was a natural biological phenomenon which should not be denied or repressed.” (Wikipedia)  Sex was being denigrated down to an animal level.  Animals don’t mate with only one partner for life.   Animals are after the carnal side of sex with which ever female will parade around them.    In the 60’s, we became like that and on into the 70’s.   Free love meant having sex with whomever we want, whenever we wanted to.  “Just do it!”, the world told us.  Well, it’s time for a new sexual revolution.  One in which the church steps up and fill in the blanks for who to, when to, and why to.

This blog was created to try to help start filling in these blanks.

Who to? One man and one woman in holy matrimony.   That means sex is meant for you during the union that God originally created in Genesis.   (Gen 2:23-24)   A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.   When we marry, our wedding present from God is our marriage bed.   I love the analogy that Ed gives in this bible study I am reading.   Our marriage bed should be like a fireplace.   Sex in our marriage bed should be hot, intimate and romantic, just like sitting in front of the fireplace on a cold night.   Now, what happens though when a spark gets outside the fireplace?  It could burn the place down, right?   Keep the fire safely inside your marriage bed and you will never have to worry about burning out your marriage.

When to? Once again, the when is when you are married.   God created us male and female to cover both the masculine and the feminine sides of Himself.   When the two become one flesh, we are worshiping God, and we become one like God.   God created us like him physically and spiritually, so when we are making love to our spouse we are reflecting the full nature and character of God.   Don’t settle for sex outside of marriage.  It is so much BIGGER and BETTER when you follow God’s plan for sex.

Why to? It is God’s gift to heterosexual married couples.   Marriage requires a life long commitment.  No matter what, the marriage is to be preserved. It is to be protected, supported and fought for.    It isn’t a one night stand.   It isn’t just a carnal urge that needs to be met for the night.   This is a commitment to God and to your spouse, and one that is not taken lightly.    God is committed to us for the duration, for the long haul.   We commit to our spouse that way as well.   This is a perfect gift that God created just for us.  The relationship that goes with sex as well.  When my dog goes into heat, every male dog in the neighborhood shows up.   Why?  Do they want a permanent relationship with her?  Nope, they just need to meet a carnal need inside of them.   Sex isn’t like that for us.   I do have one thought I want to pass by you… maybe in some ways those hippies were right….follow me for a minute….  Today, like those “hippies” of the past, wouldn’t you agree that millions of people should preach the power of love and the beauty of sex as a natural part of ordinary life?  Don’t you believe that sex is a natural biological phenomenon which should not be denied or repressed?  Dear ones, if we use sex in the context that God intended it, I have no problem with this kind of sexual revolution.   There is nothing wrong with sex.   There is nothing wrong with our bodies.   It’s how we use them.    Follow God’s plan for sex and be prepared for BIG sex.   If you follow the world’s view of sex, plan on getting burned.   There is no way on heaven or earth that it could possibly be as good as married sex.   No way.

As I finish up this bible study, I will write more on it.   I want to thank pastors like Ed Young for helping us to see that God wants us to have an OUTSTANDING sex life.   We need more pastors to tell us more than “Don’t do it.”   We need to hear God’s word about sex, this wonderful thing he has created.    If you are single, don’t get burned by the fire of sex.   Talk to God, seek out His will for you.   You are a sexual being just like those of us that are married.   Do your very best to save the fire for when you get married.  I took that fire of past mistakes into my marriage bed, and I got burned.   Don’t do what I did.  Seek God and His ultimate love and wisdom on this matter.   If, like me, you did get burned before you got married, God loves you and forgives you.   He can renew you and your marriage.   Keep the fire in your own marriage beds my dear one.   Adultery, pornography…these things will only burn you.

Speak the truth in love.   Be one of those people who speaks out on the truth of how God intends sex for us.   Let’s help the world renew their minds on sex and start a new Sexual Revolution!   This one will help set us all free from what society has tried to teach us over the past 40-50 years.

Q&A: When the Five Love Languages Seem To Fail

We received an interesting email that I wanted to use to propel a discussion about the five love languages.

My wife is an amazing wife and a godly woman.  She has a servants heart and feels that her love language is most definitely service.  I would agree and affirm that about her.  The only difficulty this brings into our sex life is that she often sees sex as being a service that she offers to me.  Even when it was difficult and painful she has never been a refuser by any stretch of the imagination.  However, I’ve never been content to simply receive from her and go on my way. I want her to desire me and receive from me.  She is trying very hard and we’re both trying to encourage each other and not put too much pressure on her.  She wants things to be different but doesn’t know how to change.  We’re both praying for an awakening for her.  I think the 5 love languages is a great model, but it is simply a model and has its shortcomings.  I think one of them, or at least our understanding of it, is deficient in how it can be assumed that sex is going to be fulfilling for people with physical touch as their primary love language.  I can’t accept that as true, I believe God created sex for married couples and not just certain partners in those relationships with a particular love language.  This is something that is confusing us.  We don’t simply want sex to be something that she does to serve me, or even vice versa, but something that brings deeper intimacy and oneness to our relationship.  We would deeply appreciate any advice/help you all could give. Thanks for all that you’re doing to see the Kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven!

I really appreciate this man’s heart. It’s obvious that he and his wife are focused on strengthening their relationship for the long haul and have lofty, yet attainable goals for their relationship as they walk together with the Lord. As soon as I read this email I thought of a post that a friend made on this topic of the five love languages. I asked him if he would allow me to use his insights for this article and here are his comments about this:

I was just thinking the other day about Love Languages. My DW and I recently took yet another Love Language quiz online which prompted my little brainstorm. I was trying to figure out which Love Language would sex fall under, since my DW has always insisted that that was my LL. My conclusion? It falls under ALL of them! (keep in mind, this is sex as God intended, between a man and a woman in a married relationship)

Words of Affirmation: Honestly…how many of you just lay there and read a magazine or watch TV? In the heat of the moment, praise and adoration for your spouse seems to just kinda flow! There’s just something about making love that really opens up the heart, even in us guys. Admit it, you’re really a teddy-bear inside.

Quality Time: There’s not much more you can do to spend quality time with your beloved. Watching TV together, taking a walk together, etc….there’s always something else to distract you from your spouse. With sex, your attention is 100% on them. The lights are low (or flickering warmly from the top of a candlestick), the music is soft….yeah, there’s a lot to be said about spontaneous back-seat-of-the-car or outdoors-on-the-trampoline sex, but the majority will be in the comfort and safety of your own home. Enjoy, the quality doesn’t get much higher than good ‘ole sex!

Receiving Gifts: God gave us the gift of sex (after we’re married, obviously). I personally can’t think of anything I’d much rather regift for my DW than sex!!! As I told my DW once, I can kiss a friend or a relative on the cheek, I can hold someone else’s hand (prayer circles, for some reason, love to do this), I can buy someone a gift…but sex is hers and hers alone, the ONE gift I will not give anyone else. Period.

Acts of Service: Unless you’re married to the most selfish person out there, happily/healthily married couples typically go out of their way to please their spouse during sex. Yeah, pleasing them pleases you, too, so its a win-win situation, but most are still willing to do whatever makes their DW/DH happiest. If your spouse is going out of his/her way to do the same, both will have their needs met in some mind-blowingly sexy way. If your spouse isn’t actively doing all he/she can to please YOU, well….you’re still having sex!

Physical Touch: Seriously. Do I really need to go in depth here (pun intended)? Insert Tab A into Slot B. Or C. Or D. Whichever the two of you mutually agree upon. Rinse and repeat. For those of us with PT as a primary (or VERY close secondary) language, this one’s a no-brainer. We can high-five at the football game, shake hands at church, hold hands in the movies, enjoy a good massage, even wrap our arms around our loved ones while snuggling in front of a fireplace, but there’s just no adequate substitution for full-on whole-body skin-on-skin entanglement. Well….coconut oil helps, but still…

I would agree that the five love languages is just a model and has it’s short comings, but I think that generally if people are seeking to understand one another, that it is an amazingly helpful tool. When a wife has a love language of service and during sex offers herself fully to her husband, she is communicating in her most heart felt way that she loves her husband. A husband who doesn’t speak this language as primary, doesn’t feel loved which is why he needs to communicate to her what love language he needs her to speak as well. Not either or, but both. You must receive the love your spouse gives which is spoken in their love language as enthusiastically as the love they speak in your language. And sex, as my friend points out, can really be used to speak all five languages, if you are listening for it.

So if my husband spoke in the language of gifts and brought me home some lingerie or something sexy for us to use in bed, I need to respond as enthusiastically to that as I would to him canceling all his plans for an evening to be with me if my love language was quality time. During sex a husband and wife need to get to the point where they can give and receive love in BOTH of their primary love languages. So for the man who wrote in, he needs to fully receive the acts of service his wife gives and appreciate them for what they are, but he also needs to let her know what she needs to do in order for him to hear love in his primary language too. Eventually we need to get to the point where we can speak both our language and our spouse’s fluently and naturally. Like breathing. But this takes time, years of studying one another. Until we are fluent in the love language of our spouse, it feels like we are not being loved when they show love by their love language. In the example of the man who wrote in, when his wife serves him in bed it feels to him like he isn’t being loved because she hasn’t communicated to him HIS language as well, but really she has told him she loves him in the clearest way possible in her mind.

By the way, it is not uncommon for men of ANY love language to say that they want to feel that their wives desire them and to be free to receive pleasure from them. It’s one of the reasons we write this blog, to let wives know that they should be free to express passion and desire to their husbands, but it is going to look different for everyone depending on their individual make up.

So be encouraged to study your spouse and become fluent in their love language. It may not be a perfect model, but by and large it works really well.

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