So What Is “Kinky?”

There is a lot of discussion these days on things being ‘kinky.’  The term ‘kinky’ is rather subjective.  One couple will say something is too ‘kinky’ for them while another couple thinks the same thing is rather tame.  It really does depend on the general disposition of the people involved.

Here are a couple of different definitions found in the online dictionary for Kinky:

1.  Slang Showing or appealing to bizarre or deviant tastes, especially of a sexual or erotic nature
2.  (used of sexual behavior) showing or appealing to bizarre or deviant tastes; “kinky sex”; “perverted practices” 
3.  Slang. marked by unconventional sexual preferences or behavior, as fetishism, sadomasochism, or the like.

Wow, those are some pretty strong words!  Bizarre, deviant, perverted, fetishism, sadomasochism… And here I am using that term to mean something a little, umm… less!  My husband and I use ‘kinky’ to describe something that is just a little out there or a little different than our normal routine, but not necessarily something that is related to fetishes or BDSM!

There are some couples that would say oral sex, anal sex, and toys are all kinky (to them).  On the other side of the coin, some couples would say that those things are just a normal part of their love making routine and are not of a kinky nature at all.  While we’re on the subject, let’s just make a list of some the things that could be considered ‘kinky’ to people:

Of course this isn’t a complete list of all things sexual.  It’s just a short list off the top of my head.  As you look through this list you’ll probably notice that there are some things that are on the tame side of the spectrum and others that are on the flip side.  Even though the dictionary gives us all of those strong words for ‘kinky’ I still use that word in varying degrees.  As an example, I think that oral sex, female ejaculation, using mirrors & hot oils, lingerie, masturbating for each other, and most sex toys are just a normal part of our sexual routine.  On the other hand, role-playing, submit games, light bondage, spanking, and rimming are all just a little ‘kinky’ to me.  That’s not to say that I don’t indulge in them.  Just that I have to be in a slightly ‘kinky mood’ in order to engage in those things.  (It works out great when my husband and I are both in a kinky mood together!)  There are also those things that I think are just ‘too kinky’ for me and have no interest in (chastity belts).  Then there are some things that are either dangerous or I think border on sexual sin  and I stay away from those.

Of course everyone’s list of what they think is kinky will be different.  Sometimes even within a marriage one spouse may feel certain things are too kinky and the other spouse may think differently.  My list above is just a starting point that maybe you could use as a discussion starter, to discuss how you feel about certain acts.  Maybe you and your husband could go down this list, or make up your own, and sit down and talk about what things you think are tame, slightly kinky, and too kinky for you.  Even if you have done something like this in the past, I’m here to tell you that things change over the years.  You may have had one set of ideas when you first married (or even just last year) and find that now your views have changed somewhat.  The key here is to be open to discussing these things together and then to respect how your spouse feels. Maybe you could plan some time in the next week or so, to discuss this topic together and see how you both feel about specific things.  God bless!

Balancing Loving God and Loving Your Husband

My passion for Jesus started at a very young age. I have walked with Him for as long as I can remember without much of a desire to stray from Him. He has been faithful to me in some really difficult things and growing in knowing Him has been my heart’s call for many, many years.

My enjoyment of my husband began the day I met him. We were friends instantly as he has had the same heart’s call and, well, he is just so gosh darn likable. As our friendship grew into love I realized that he was the one I would spend my life with and I can honestly say that God has been faithful to use us in one another’s lives to propel us deeper into God. I wouldn’t change this for anything. It’s one of the things I cherish most about our relationship, that God always seems to be stirring the same things in us when it comes to learning more about how to walk rightly with Him.

I think there are several keys to balancing our love for God and our love for our husbands. One is that it helps tremendously if we embrace a teachable spirit within us. I would far rather have my children marry a believer in Jesus who has a heart that is soft towards the work of God and that is teachable, than someone who just grew up in the church and was a good person without letting God touch them deeply. Of course, we don’t like being corrected, but while it may initially be uncomfortable, generally if we can be open to it and enter into the process realizing that God is doing a good thing in us, it is amazingly valuable. If a husband and wife can do this it allows God to have access to our hearts and for us to learn how to love well.

It also helps if we fully realize that loving God and loving our husbands is not mutually exclusive. They are completely connected. You may have heard people give lists of their priorities in life. For example, God, husband, children, work, extended family, friends and so on. In some ways I can see how it is helpful for people to reflect on what is most important in their lives, but in other ways it can train us to think that these are all separate things when really they all touch one another and should center around our identity as children of God. I am a child of God when I pray, but also when I mother my kids and care for those in need and go grocery shopping AND make love to my husband.

It is far too common for us to hear stories of men in particular who are married to passionate women of God in the world, but apathetic lovers in bed. Whether from wrong teaching or being sinned against or intentionally turning off our sexuality because it feels like it’s a bother, it can be costly to break out of that mindset of apathy towards marital intimacy. We can’t force it on our spouse so when a wife or husband feels cold towards sex, their helpmate often finds themself frustrated. This is why the teachable spirit I mentioned earlier is so important. An aspect of my own sexual awakening was that God knew He had access to my heart. If you are married to an impassionate lover and would like it to change, pray first that God would make you both teachable and that you would embrace whatever He wants to do in your lives. And remember, that may not look how you want it to look.

Embracing that women of God make really great lovers to their husbands can seem quite paradoxical, but it really is true. In fact, it is my firm belief that women of God have the potential to be the best lovers out there. It all depends on how you define “best lover,” but if it looks like a woman who can give her spiritually redeemed self fully to the pleasure and passion, service and sensuality that is available with her husband, THAT is a  good lover in my opinion. Bring it on, God!

Keeping Score

Do any of you ever feel that you are putting way more into pleasing your husband than he is putting into pleasing you? After all, men do get aroused easier and orgasm faster.


I can only speak for myself but if any of my spice sisters (or any of our readers) feel differently I’m sure they will speak up.  Our blog is not just about pleasing our husbands; we are encouraging women to embrace their sexuality.  Many women have been suppressing their sexual urges because they have been taught (either through church, by parents or just from society alone) that it is wrong.  It is not wrong and completely natural.  God made us this way.  If pleasing my husband makes me happy, and he pleasing me makes him happy then don’t we both win?  Marriage is not about keeping score.  It’s about building a bond, through God and then that spills over into our marriage. 
(My only disclaimer is if you are in a marriage where your spouse puts your needs second, time and time again, then you need to make him aware before resentment sets in. )


Men do become aroused easier, but that is no reason to neglect those special things that cement our bond.   A good marriage takes a lot of hard work, open communication and it requires a team effort.  You and your husband are on the same side and you should be each other’s biggest cheerleader.  Intimacy is not just about ‘getting off’.  Here is a food analogy for you.  Let’s say you are hungry and you satisfy that huger with junk/fast food day after day. All that fast food is going to take a toll on you in the long run.  Your hunger may be lessened but you body will be missing out on serious nutrition that helps your body run effectively.  The same goes for a marriage.  If you are only interested in keeping yourself satisfied sexually then the other half of your marriage suffers and your bond is weakened.  Soon you will be feeling empty.  I love knowing that I make my husband feel like the most special guy in the world and in the long run I think it helps him be the best husband he can be. 


Remember that the best way to be blessed is to be a blessing yourself.


Q&A: Praying Before Sex?

“I am getting married in February – we are both virgins – I am making as much preparations for our first time together physically as I possibly can using books, this website and your links – but I wondered how we should prepare spiritually.  Should we pray before we ‘do it’ for the first time? Prob seems silly but I am a bit nervous!”

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!  What an exciting time for you and your fiance.  It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of thinking ahead, and NO, you aren’t silly for asking about this!

Making love for the first time is a very special moment.  You and your husband will be joining yourselves together physically as you never have before.  I believe that God smiles whenever two of His children marry and make love.  He gave us this wonderful gift to share with our spouse, so of course you can pray beforehand. Marriage is a triumvirate, with God as the Head.  You two will rely on both each other and Him.

Many couples who have been married for years still pray before sex, asking God to bless their union or to help them please one another or to ask for fertility help, etc.  No prayer is unheard, as our Heavenly Father cares about all that is on our hearts.  There are some couples who even will pray during the act, although I have to admit that praying is the last thing on my mind during sex 😳

Cinnamon Sticks also has a series of articles dedicated to engaged couples such as yourselves, that you might also find helpful.  I encourage you to read them together if you haven’t already:

Should we talk about sex in church?

To answer the question….should we talk about sex in church?   Heck, yes!  God spoke of it first!

Many of you are familiar with the name Ed Young. Yes, he is the pastor of Fellowship Church in Grapevine, TX…you know, the pastor with the challenge to all the married couples in his church to have sex daily for one week. What an awesome challenge! I read a little bit about it. Did you realize that the idea wasn’t Ed’s, but his wife, Lisa’s? In a blog the Young’s pen together here, when asked about why SHE is so excited about this challenge, Lisa says, “Because God has revolutionized my view of sex and removed a lot of preconceived notions I had. And I can truly value intimacy done God’s way.” Does this mean that even PW’s can have hang ups about sex? Does she sound like any ladies you know? I found Ed’s blog and in it he comments, “Our culture is so used to toilet water that it’s refreshing when we get a taste of God’s pure desire for sex in marriage.

After reading and subscribing to Ed’s blog, I followed it up by reading an article online that criticized Mr. Young and his challenge. The article was written by Gavin Richardson, director of youth ministries at FUMC in Hendersonville, TN. In his article, Mr. Richardson calls Mr. Young “off target” in his challenge. He suggests that we “should not be talking about sex as a “foundation” for our marriages”. Instead, we should “figure out how we are friends with our spouses and others.” He feels that “the deep core we need to address is how we are friends in love, not lovers in bed.”

As a youth pastor, he says in the article that he hears about sex all the time. I hope he is addressing it biblically!! When the topic comes up in the youth of our church, I hope it isn’t pushed in the corner in all this talk of becoming friends with everyone. If you aren’t going to openly and biblically answer the questions teens have, they are going to get misinformation and believe what they hear from friends, Hollywood movies, TV shows or by experimenting for themselves! People like Ed Young and the authors of this blog are trying to show the world that sex is not a bad thing when we do it in the context that God created it for. Married sex is awesome, and if we don’t educate our own congregations, we end up with marriages that have so many problems because of misunderstandings, lies or things that the church could and should address. Sexual incompatibility is listed on many divorce websites as reasons that people’s marriages end.

Dear ones, part of teaching our future generations to love and respect each other will include preparing them for the future. Mr. Young is doing a great service to help others understand that God created sex. God wants us to love sex….when it is used in the context He created it for. God loves intimacy. He wants to have an intimate relationship with Him. He created marriage and he created sex to not only create intimacy between husband and wife, but also to bring us together in a greater intimacy with Him. God wrote about physical intimacy in the Song of Solomon. He wrote about proper relationships, how to court each other (without sex involved) and how once we are married that we can consummate a wonderful and sometimes wild sexual relationship with each other. He wants us to enjoy sex. I watched online a part of Ed’s message the other day, and he also said that another part of sex is worship….well, yeah, each other, but it is worshiping God as well. God wants us to use what he created and called “good”. All God saw he created he said was good, sex included between a married man and woman.

But remember, Satan knows God’s word quite well, and he loves to twist it so that we believe differently about sex and marriage. God didn’t just create sex so we would be “fruitful and multiply”. Sure he wanted the world to be populated, but he wanted us to enjoy sex as well! What I want to know is why Mr. Richardson and others like him are so intimidated by seven consecutive days of sex by married couples?

Sex is a very important part of a marriage. By encouraging his congregation to make love once daily for a week, Ed Young is not saying that sex is the only important part of a marriage, but he is recognizing that sex is the first thing to go by the wayside when problems come. Our bodies miss sex when we aren’t taking the time to get intimate with our spouses. Many times, spouses use sex as a weapon, a tool to hurt or manipulate when it should be a tool used to superglue our hearts to each other. Women, we are guilty of this, and we are also guilty of using it as a reward when our husbands do the things we want them to do. This is very wrong and not what God intends for us to be like. 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5 saysThe husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (NASB – emphasis mine) I love that part that I bolded. Stop depriving one another… I hear this in the tone in my voice when my kids are arguing…Stop fighting with each other, but it is our heavenly Father expressing his displeasure with how we treat each other in regards to sex. Stop depriving one another. Love one another. God fashioned our bodies so that when we come together, we become one in mind, in heart, in soul and in body. Genesis 2:24 tells us “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Sex in our marriages helps us to avoid sinful temptations. 1 Thess. 4:3-5 tells us It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God” Sex with your spouse is holy and honorable….extra marital affairs, sex before marriage, pornography, these are all the passionate lusts that God talks about.  Do you hear God’s voice telling you “Stop depriving one another”? I have been hearing him tell me this more and more often lately, and my husband is reaping the reward of this. 

I support Ed Young, and others like the ladies here at CN who are bringing God’s word forth on this topic, sex in your marriage bed. Dearest, God spoke this well before myself, or Ed Young, or any other who chooses to repeat was the Lord said first himself. The problem is not with Ed Young…the problem is our sinful, disobedient hearts. I am off now to continue with my week long (or more) sexperiment. Take the challenge…dive right in….your marriage will be rewarded in more ways than you can possibly imagine.

Just the Two of Us


I am looking for incite on the “empty nest” issue.  I know it is not necessarily sex oriented, but I am sure you have some ideas, as so many of us are moms.
I am 38 and have one child who is now an ‘adult’
I have had some issues with just feeling out of sorts.  All is perfect as can be in the marriage, but my frustration, which I think is because my job as a mom has gone away has me a little off track.
You all seem younger, or at least have children at still at home.  I was just looking for some insight on this particular feeling.  What do you do when the kids are gone?


This is a difficult time for many women because once our children leave our home we suddenly lose one of our roles that define us.  Relationships suddenly change….our relationship with our husband, children, as well as friends.  Some of your friendships probably were based on other mothers who had children going through the same life experiences as yours.  You may go through some questioning of ‘who’ you are, how will this affect your marriage and what is my purpose? 

 Pray about that purpose.  No one knows you better then God and He is the one who is in control anyway.  Talk to your husband about your feelings.  Chances are he is going through similar feeling himself.  Maybe his roles are still in place for the most part (such as breadwinner) but he may be going through regrets such as, “I should have spent more time with the kids”.  Make some lists.  List the long term and short term plans for how the two of you want to spend your money.  Construct a fun list of things you have never done but always wanted to do.  If you are feeling distant or strained from your spouse for an extended amount fo time be sure to seek counciling.

Transitions can take awhile to get used to and this is no exception.  It may be a matter of months before you feel comfortable in this new season.  Don’t be surprised if you feel elated on second and sad the next.  Sometimes change is difficult to embrace but just because something is different does not mean it will not be better.  You have spent all these years preparing your child to be independent.  Now it is your turn to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor and see how well adjusted your child has become.  God knows you have earned a front row seat.

It is true that the phrase ’empty nest’ is a term that describes a child/mother relationship but really a phrase should be made for this time in our lives that signifies the new relationship that we are going to experience with our husband.  My personal feeling is that your relationship with your husband should be a priority and if it is then this transition will be viewed with a positive mindset.  This subject fits perfectly with Christian because our purpose is to help strengthen the bond between husband and wife.  I’m thinking that instead of referring to this phase as ’empty nest’ I may use the word ‘encore’.  An empty nest looks like it’s been abandoned.  Signs of life are left like an empty shell.  I’m using encore because more acts are to come.  They may not last as long as the initial show but that doesn’t mean they are less important.

New Positions, Techniques and Introducing Toys

We have received a few inquiries on how to go about incorporating new toys and/or new positions into the bedroom.  Everyone is in a unique situation and how your husband responds is based on what type of relationship you have with him.  Some couples love to bring in new ideas into the bedroom while others like to stick with the old faithful.  

   I  feel that bringing new things to the marriage bed helps increase arousal.  I am so blessed to have the husband I have because he is always so eager to try new things.  This is especially handy when I am trying out something new to write about technique-wise or when writing for our ‘Positions of the Week’  section.  I would never write up on a position that I have not personally tried first.  He likes variety so when I ‘spring’ this on him when we are in the moment then it is not a big deal.  I think most men probably like the idea of their wife coming up with a new position or technique to try.  It could be as easy as saying “Hey Hot stuff, let’s try this….” and then explain what you are trying to do.  Whether it be that you are looking for added stimulation or you want to be on top to give him a show.  If people know where desires are coming from they tend to feel more comfortable.

We did have one technique I was asked to write about for the blog.  My husband and I discussed this act and both were on the same page of “we are not interested in trying this”, so I interviewed someone who had done it.  I am sharing this because it shows how important communication and respect are when discussing this topic.  Once a spouse feels belittled or neglected then walls are put up and communication is then compromised.   If it is about an act that has been done in the past you could always bring up the fact that you felt so cherished and blessed when you experienced it.   This would be a perfect time to ask him if there is something they did not like about it because you really miss it.  Then the two of you could collaborate on how to deal with the issue.

Toys can be a touchy situation, especially if it is phallic shaped.  Some men see bringing a toy in bed as a sign of you not being satisfied and they feel threatened by it.  If the idea of toys is new then a simple egg or bullet may be the best toys to start with.  They don’t resemble a penis and he won’t feel like it’s a competition.  I can remember my husband sharing the fact that he can’t vibrate and spin around like one of these toys.  I reminded him that he couldn’t light up either and I wouldn’t want him to.  A toy is not a replacement for my husband.  We use them as a supplement, a way to add spice.   He is perfect the way he is and I would not change a thing about him. 

If you have never talked about trying a new technique, position or about getting a toy before then I highly recommend you do so when you are not in bed.  When a couple is naked we are extra vulnerable.  Wait until you have some quiet time together and bring it up.  Try looking at toys  and picking one out together.  If he is a part of the process he may be more receptive of it.  When you are talking about a certain position make it clear that if one of you becomes uncomfortable then you can stop whatever you are doing.  A lot of things in life are trial and error.  You may not know if you like something unless you try it.  Bringing new ideas into the bedroom takes a lot of trust on both sides but it is well worth the effort.


Sexual Self

“I still don’t really get why sex is for me. I’m hoping you can help me understand that aspect of it, so I can bring more of my inner self to the bed also or at least have a goal to focus on while I’m growing this part of my mind. I’m reading and trying to figure out that question but I haven’t come up with much more than it glorifies God. I want to glorify God but when it comes to answering the question of why is sex important to me, I feel like it’s not. I know it’s important to my husband. To me, sex is for the man and I do it just because.
I’m inspired by your pictures with the spicy names but, for example, that’s the part that’s missing for me. My own sense of self beauty and sultriness and wanting sex because I want it for me. A sexual self-image if you will. How do I get that?”


We have received this email and many others with similar concerns. Some women don’t see the importance of a sexual relationship with their husbands. I think many women would be able to answer this question based on their personal life experiences.  I’ll share my view and hopefully others will be able to chime in as well.



Have you ever seen those water fountains made of a pyramid of glasses?  Think of this pyramid as a hierarchy of priorities.  That glass on top represents your relationship with God, the second row is your husband, third row can be children, forth row job……etc.  When your relationship with God is well it flows to your marriage with your husband, which flows down to your children, and when that is full and content it flows to your job.  Making love to your husband is one of the easiest ways to make him feel like a priority.  We have girlfriends, parents and children but they can only go so deep.  Our relationship with our husband is endless.  Intimacy is what makes this bond so special and it helps solidify our foundation.  Think about the things a man can get from an outside source.  If he needs his clothes cleaned he can run to the cleaners.  If his house gets messy he can hire a house keeper.  When he’s hungry he can run to the nearest McDonald’s.  Where can he go to feed his sexual appetite?  The only person who can (or should) fulfill this need is his wife. 


Many woman tend to wait until they feel aroused to start thinking about sex but for many it does not happen on it’s own.  You can try feeding the fire by touching your husband.  I think many couples are going through life without really touching, literally.  We are so busy running around taking care of other obligations that we are missing each other.  Our bodies crave touch and the less you do it then the less connected you will feel from your spouse.  I think this is why many women say that sex is not about the orgasm (although it defiantly does not hurt the situation); it is more about the feeling of closeness through being intimate.  Your touches throughout the day don’t even need to be sexual to be effective. If a woman goes for an extended period of time without intercourse then it will have a negative effect on her libido.  The opposite is also true, the more you engage in sexual intercourse the more you will desire it.


In order to have a sexual self image you must first have a good amount of self confidence.  This means that you are able to look at yourself and see what you like instead of dwelling on what you don’t like.  When your husband compliments you believe what he says.  Heck, just look at how his body responds to you.  Try wearing clothes that not only flatter you but will help you feel sexy throughout the day as well.  Make sure you are eating right, getting enough sleep and getting some form of exercise. I honestly think that a sexual self will emerge once you love/feel good about yourself and see yourself as the sexual being that God created.


Sleeping Nude

Satin. Cotton. Flannel. Whatever kind of sheets you have, most of them feel best when you sleep in them naked. Whether you like the sleek feeling of satin or the coziness of cotton, there is nothing like slipping into your bed with nothing between you and the sheets.

Of course it is conducive to a higher frequency of sexual encounters with your husband, but even if you don’t end up having sex, cuddling before falling asleep is nice too. If you do not make a nightly habit of sleeping nude, it can be a clear signal to your husband that you are hoping for some action when you do make that move. Sleeping nude also allows for middle of the night sex to happen more readily. You may not prefer to be awakened for sex which is fine, but it allows for sex to happen first thing in the morning more easily as well.

For women who are concerned about sleeping nude and having children calling for you at night, keeping a robe draped over the foot of your bed is a simple solution to that issue. You can just grab it on your way out of the room if you are called.

Some men have found that sleeping completely nude doesn’t give them the support they need for their testicles. Many of these men choose to wear their boxers to sleep in. You might also find that wearing your undies or some shorts is a good solution during your period.

If you haven’t tried sleeping nude, you might give it a try for a week and see how you like it. However, in fairness to your husband, if you decide to try it be mindful of being available to him sexually because the likelihood that it will be arousing to him is very high.

Q&A: Feeling Vulnerable?

We recently received an email from a husband regarding a problem that he and his wife are encountering.

I have a question about feeling vulnerable. My wife and I have a good marriage, but our sex life is hurt by what my wife calls “feeling vulnerable”. As in, she feels vulnerable when we have sex, which begins with her being interested and excited, and ends with her turning away and crying for 5-10 minutes. She steadfastly insists that this is not because of anything I do, but rather because our intimacy makes her feel so vulnerable. I want to believe her, but I can’t help but suspect that I’m somehow responsible. It’s hard to watch when she curls up and sobs, and it’s making me avoid sex because I don’t want to hurt her. Outside of sex she is loving and attentive. She never seems resentful or angry. It’s been like this ever since we got good at sex (both virgins when we married – it was awkward for the first year or so…) Has anyone else encountered anything like this? Any ideas or advice?

To begin with, I think that your wife is experiencing normal feelings because real, honest sex is very intimate and when we are raw like that it opens us up to be vulnerable like nothing else. That is why trust is such an important element of intimacy. BUT, having said that, I feel quite confident in saying that the likelihood that your wife was a victim of abuse is high because her reaction to vulnerability is extreme. (Edited to add: Please read the comment section as some women have said that they experience this and it is not connected to abuse.) It could have been sexual or mental abuse or a combination and come in a variety of forms. Perhaps she was shamed in her sexuality. At minimum she is operating with the lie that sex isn’t safe. Regardless of how she came to believe that lie, it is having a very powerful impact on both of you. She is being robbed of what God intends for her and as her husband I would encourage you to “wash her with the word.” Seek the Lord on how to appropriate this for you and your wife, but one part of it could be to speak scripture over her as she sleeps next to you. You might also consider having a conversation about her past and how it may be effecting her. Tread carefully here. Again, seek the Lord for wisdom on when and how to bring it up and for Him orchestrate the situation if this is something that needs to be addressed more directly.

Some questions I would ponder with her as she is open to them are:

Does she feel overwhelmed by the intimacy, which results in the emotion, but not necessarily bad?
If it is a case of the feeling being negative:
Does she find pleasure during sex? If so, at what point does it shift to feeling bad?
Do the tears come after an orgasm? Is it connected to the released of those intense feelings of an orgasm?
Are the tears accompanied by feelings of relief or of grief?
Does she feel that she has done something wrong or inappropriate?
Does she feel that she isn’t safe?
How does she feel about speaking with a counselor about these issues?

One area where I agree with your wife is that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. Based on what you wrote it appears that you are a loving husband who wants to experience all that should be yours together in your marriage bed. This is a good desire and I can completely appreciate how it is being compromised by her reaction to intimacy. If I were in your position I would be anxious about initiating as well.

To depart slightly from your specific situation, there is no doubt about it; sex can be highly intense and I think that if we want to grow in intimacy, we are going to need to choose to be more vulnerable. This is why sex has the potential to get better as we age together, but it is no guarantee. For many, sex remains only a physical act and when a couple isn’t working towards greater intimacy emotionally and spiritually as well as physically, the potential for sex to become stagnant and boring increases significantly. Married sexuality has been getting a bad rap in our culture more and more in recent years, but this discussion makes me ponder the question: How much impact has “surface sex” had on some peoples’ assumption that married sex is boring? What if more people were committed to increasing measures of vulnerability with their spouse even though it might end up costing them their soul; opened up and made bare? I wonder how the benefits of deep intimacy would impact the message that has been sent to so much of the western world about married sex.

But what a gamble! What if, in the process of opening our souls, we are rejected? Abandoned? Hurt? My husband’s and my financial advisers classify us as people who like safe investments, but I continue on with this gamble in my marriage without hesitation. And in a heart beat I’d do it all over again, though with hindsight being what it is I would have pursued deep intimacy sooner. The benefits far outweigh the costs in my opinion.

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