Sex Survey

We originally saw this survey on The Marriage Bed Forum (see link to TMB in blogroll) and while we do have it on our blog in the comment section of one of our articles it didn’t have it’s own article until now.

The questionnaire below can be filled out and shared with your spouse on an evening away. You can also fill out the answers trade sheets and spend the next few weeks surprising each other. The key is to get talking often simple things are hard to reveal. Some questions use the code at the top of each section, some questions are fill in the blank ,some leave you a place to check your choice and some give you a place to write. Remember the more open and secure we can be with each other the stronger our relationship and the better the sex. Why are you waiting get going!!!

Passion
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ share my fantasies with my partner
I ____ to have sex ___ daily, ___ 2x week, ___ 3x week, ___ 1x week, ___ never stop
I ____ being ravished
I ____ sex in the ___morning, ___afternoon, ___evening best
I ____ to find my partner naked ready for sex
I need to have more sex ___yes, ___ no
I need less sex than my spouse ___often, ___sometimes, ___ never
When my spouse rubs, massages my ______ I want sex instantly
My partner’s satisfaction is just as important as mine __always , __sometimes, __never
I am turned on when my spouse tells me they love me by ___________
I have a lot of fantasies __yes __no
I feel comfortable sharing my fantasies with my spouse ___ yes, ___no

Foreplay
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ it really slow and erotic with lots of touching
I ____ to give my spouse massages
I ____ to shower with my spouse
I ____ to see my spouse partially clothed
I ____ my nipples pinched massaged squeezed
I ____ to watch my spouse masturbate
I ____ to masturbate
I ____ to mutually masturbate with my spouse
I ____ when my spouse offers themselves to me

Clothes
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ it when my partner tells me they are not wearing underwear
I ____ my partner to wear something I can tear off them
I ____ my partner to dress scantly
I ____ to see my spouse in a thong
I ____ exposing parts of my body to attract attention
I ____ my spouse to wear a skirt with crotch less panties / hose

Positions
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ the missionary position
I ____ to be on the bottom
I ____ to 69
I ____ the woman on top facing away
I ____ to be on top
I ____ anal sex
I ____ it Doggy style
I ____ side by side

Places
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ sex in the shower
I ____ sex on the dining room table
I ____ sex on the kitchen counter
I ____ sex in an office
I ____ sex in the living room
I ____ sex in cars or vans
I ____ sex outdoors
I ____ sex in the pool
I ____ sex in the hot tub

Talk
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ my spouse to make noise during sex
I ____ talking dirty to my spouse
I ____ to make my spouse yell out with passion during sex
I ____ it when my spouse uses short phrases like YES, Faster, Harder, repeatedly
I ____ it when my spouse tells me to _____ them now

I climax stronger and faster when my spouse talks dirty ___ yes, ___ no
I am turned off when my spouse talks dirty ___ yes, ___ no
I am turned on when my spouse talks dirty ___ yes, ___ no
I am turned off when my spouse use clinical terms ___ yes, ___ no

Acts
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ to finger my spouse to orgasm
I ____ to be fingered to orgasm
I ____ giving oral sex
I ____ receiving oral sex
I ____ my spouse to perform oral sex without my asking

Misc
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ to skinny dip
I ____ to use a vibrator
I ____ to use lube
I ____ to eat ____ fruit off your naked body
I can’t stand it when the dog or cat is watching us have sex ___ yes, ___ no
My favorite thing you wear to tell me you want sex is _______
My favorite food to play with during sex is __________
I like sex best when we ___________
The best time we had sex was __________

Sexual Revolution (part 1)

Imagine this….a cold, wintery night….you and your dh, alone in a cabin in the Rocky Mountains.    Maybe you are snowed in.    There is  a huge fire in the fireplace, bear skin rug on the floor…. there is a warm glow in the room as the flames flicker higher and higher….the sexual tension is very high between the two of you.  It is hard to distinguish whether you are hot because of the flames in the fireplace or the flames inside your bodies.    You have anything at your disposal…your favorite lube, scented oils or lotion, romantic music, rose petals….you are beaming at your hubby, and he is beaming back…and above the both of you, God is watching and smiling.   There is about to be a revolution… a sexual revolution right in your own marriage bed.

When you hear the term “sexual revolution”, what do you think of?   Do you think of the 1960’s and sexual freedom?   Free love?  Wikipedia says this of the Sexual Revolution,

“The 1960s heralded a new culture of “free love” with millions of young people embracing the hippie ethos and preaching the power of love and the beauty of sex as a natural part of ordinary life. Hippies believed that sex was a natural biological phenomenon which should not be denied or repressed. Changes in attitudes reflected a perception that traditional views on sexuality were both hypocritical and chauvinistic.”

Wow.  Traditional views on sex are hypocritical?  Really?   In a Godless world, I can see that thought pattern being true, but Christian, we know better.   We know that the God of the universe created sex right along with the sun, moon and stars.

I started reading a bible study from Ed Young Ministries that I want to touch on in a series of articles.    It is aptly titled “Sexual Revolution”, but his revolution is much different that the thinking of the 60’s and 70’s.   In his study he asks us to renew our mind in the way we think of sex.  Romans 12:1-2 tells us

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Let me take you all the way back to the beginning…Genesis tells us the order in which God created things.   Genesis 1:24-25 tells us “And God said,

“Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.”

So the animals are all created.   But you notice what comes next in verse 26-28?

“Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

Okay, I may be pretty dense here, just now realizing what this really means.   In the Sexual Revolution of the 60’s, people were degrading themselves as far as sex was concerned…remember when I said earlier “Hippies believed that sex was a natural biological phenomenon which should not be denied or repressed.” (Wikipedia)  Sex was being denigrated down to an animal level.  Animals don’t mate with only one partner for life.   Animals are after the carnal side of sex with which ever female will parade around them.    In the 60’s, we became like that and on into the 70’s.   Free love meant having sex with whomever we want, whenever we wanted to.  “Just do it!”, the world told us.  Well, it’s time for a new sexual revolution.  One in which the church steps up and fill in the blanks for who to, when to, and why to.

This blog was created to try to help start filling in these blanks.

Who to? One man and one woman in holy matrimony.   That means sex is meant for you during the union that God originally created in Genesis.   (Gen 2:23-24)   A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.   When we marry, our wedding present from God is our marriage bed.   I love the analogy that Ed gives in this bible study I am reading.   Our marriage bed should be like a fireplace.   Sex in our marriage bed should be hot, intimate and romantic, just like sitting in front of the fireplace on a cold night.   Now, what happens though when a spark gets outside the fireplace?  It could burn the place down, right?   Keep the fire safely inside your marriage bed and you will never have to worry about burning out your marriage.

When to? Once again, the when is when you are married.   God created us male and female to cover both the masculine and the feminine sides of Himself.   When the two become one flesh, we are worshiping God, and we become one like God.   God created us like him physically and spiritually, so when we are making love to our spouse we are reflecting the full nature and character of God.   Don’t settle for sex outside of marriage.  It is so much BIGGER and BETTER when you follow God’s plan for sex.

Why to? It is God’s gift to heterosexual married couples.   Marriage requires a life long commitment.  No matter what, the marriage is to be preserved. It is to be protected, supported and fought for.    It isn’t a one night stand.   It isn’t just a carnal urge that needs to be met for the night.   This is a commitment to God and to your spouse, and one that is not taken lightly.    God is committed to us for the duration, for the long haul.   We commit to our spouse that way as well.   This is a perfect gift that God created just for us.  The relationship that goes with sex as well.  When my dog goes into heat, every male dog in the neighborhood shows up.   Why?  Do they want a permanent relationship with her?  Nope, they just need to meet a carnal need inside of them.   Sex isn’t like that for us.   I do have one thought I want to pass by you… maybe in some ways those hippies were right….follow me for a minute….  Today, like those “hippies” of the past, wouldn’t you agree that millions of people should preach the power of love and the beauty of sex as a natural part of ordinary life?  Don’t you believe that sex is a natural biological phenomenon which should not be denied or repressed?  Dear ones, if we use sex in the context that God intended it, I have no problem with this kind of sexual revolution.   There is nothing wrong with sex.   There is nothing wrong with our bodies.   It’s how we use them.    Follow God’s plan for sex and be prepared for BIG sex.   If you follow the world’s view of sex, plan on getting burned.   There is no way on heaven or earth that it could possibly be as good as married sex.   No way.

As I finish up this bible study, I will write more on it.   I want to thank pastors like Ed Young for helping us to see that God wants us to have an OUTSTANDING sex life.   We need more pastors to tell us more than “Don’t do it.”   We need to hear God’s word about sex, this wonderful thing he has created.    If you are single, don’t get burned by the fire of sex.   Talk to God, seek out His will for you.   You are a sexual being just like those of us that are married.   Do your very best to save the fire for when you get married.  I took that fire of past mistakes into my marriage bed, and I got burned.   Don’t do what I did.  Seek God and His ultimate love and wisdom on this matter.   If, like me, you did get burned before you got married, God loves you and forgives you.   He can renew you and your marriage.   Keep the fire in your own marriage beds my dear one.   Adultery, pornography…these things will only burn you.

Speak the truth in love.   Be one of those people who speaks out on the truth of how God intends sex for us.   Let’s help the world renew their minds on sex and start a new Sexual Revolution!   This one will help set us all free from what society has tried to teach us over the past 40-50 years.

Q&A: When the Five Love Languages Seem To Fail

We received an interesting email that I wanted to use to propel a discussion about the five love languages.

My wife is an amazing wife and a godly woman.  She has a servants heart and feels that her love language is most definitely service.  I would agree and affirm that about her.  The only difficulty this brings into our sex life is that she often sees sex as being a service that she offers to me.  Even when it was difficult and painful she has never been a refuser by any stretch of the imagination.  However, I’ve never been content to simply receive from her and go on my way. I want her to desire me and receive from me.  She is trying very hard and we’re both trying to encourage each other and not put too much pressure on her.  She wants things to be different but doesn’t know how to change.  We’re both praying for an awakening for her.  I think the 5 love languages is a great model, but it is simply a model and has its shortcomings.  I think one of them, or at least our understanding of it, is deficient in how it can be assumed that sex is going to be fulfilling for people with physical touch as their primary love language.  I can’t accept that as true, I believe God created sex for married couples and not just certain partners in those relationships with a particular love language.  This is something that is confusing us.  We don’t simply want sex to be something that she does to serve me, or even vice versa, but something that brings deeper intimacy and oneness to our relationship.  We would deeply appreciate any advice/help you all could give. Thanks for all that you’re doing to see the Kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven!

I really appreciate this man’s heart. It’s obvious that he and his wife are focused on strengthening their relationship for the long haul and have lofty, yet attainable goals for their relationship as they walk together with the Lord. As soon as I read this email I thought of a post that a friend made on this topic of the five love languages. I asked him if he would allow me to use his insights for this article and here are his comments about this:

I was just thinking the other day about Love Languages. My DW and I recently took yet another Love Language quiz online which prompted my little brainstorm. I was trying to figure out which Love Language would sex fall under, since my DW has always insisted that that was my LL. My conclusion? It falls under ALL of them! (keep in mind, this is sex as God intended, between a man and a woman in a married relationship)

Words of Affirmation: Honestly…how many of you just lay there and read a magazine or watch TV? In the heat of the moment, praise and adoration for your spouse seems to just kinda flow! There’s just something about making love that really opens up the heart, even in us guys. Admit it, you’re really a teddy-bear inside.

Quality Time: There’s not much more you can do to spend quality time with your beloved. Watching TV together, taking a walk together, etc….there’s always something else to distract you from your spouse. With sex, your attention is 100% on them. The lights are low (or flickering warmly from the top of a candlestick), the music is soft….yeah, there’s a lot to be said about spontaneous back-seat-of-the-car or outdoors-on-the-trampoline sex, but the majority will be in the comfort and safety of your own home. Enjoy, the quality doesn’t get much higher than good ‘ole sex!

Receiving Gifts: God gave us the gift of sex (after we’re married, obviously). I personally can’t think of anything I’d much rather regift for my DW than sex!!! As I told my DW once, I can kiss a friend or a relative on the cheek, I can hold someone else’s hand (prayer circles, for some reason, love to do this), I can buy someone a gift…but sex is hers and hers alone, the ONE gift I will not give anyone else. Period.

Acts of Service: Unless you’re married to the most selfish person out there, happily/healthily married couples typically go out of their way to please their spouse during sex. Yeah, pleasing them pleases you, too, so its a win-win situation, but most are still willing to do whatever makes their DW/DH happiest. If your spouse is going out of his/her way to do the same, both will have their needs met in some mind-blowingly sexy way. If your spouse isn’t actively doing all he/she can to please YOU, well….you’re still having sex!

Physical Touch: Seriously. Do I really need to go in depth here (pun intended)? Insert Tab A into Slot B. Or C. Or D. Whichever the two of you mutually agree upon. Rinse and repeat. For those of us with PT as a primary (or VERY close secondary) language, this one’s a no-brainer. We can high-five at the football game, shake hands at church, hold hands in the movies, enjoy a good massage, even wrap our arms around our loved ones while snuggling in front of a fireplace, but there’s just no adequate substitution for full-on whole-body skin-on-skin entanglement. Well….coconut oil helps, but still…

I would agree that the five love languages is just a model and has it’s short comings, but I think that generally if people are seeking to understand one another, that it is an amazingly helpful tool. When a wife has a love language of service and during sex offers herself fully to her husband, she is communicating in her most heart felt way that she loves her husband. A husband who doesn’t speak this language as primary, doesn’t feel loved which is why he needs to communicate to her what love language he needs her to speak as well. Not either or, but both. You must receive the love your spouse gives which is spoken in their love language as enthusiastically as the love they speak in your language. And sex, as my friend points out, can really be used to speak all five languages, if you are listening for it.

So if my husband spoke in the language of gifts and brought me home some lingerie or something sexy for us to use in bed, I need to respond as enthusiastically to that as I would to him canceling all his plans for an evening to be with me if my love language was quality time. During sex a husband and wife need to get to the point where they can give and receive love in BOTH of their primary love languages. So for the man who wrote in, he needs to fully receive the acts of service his wife gives and appreciate them for what they are, but he also needs to let her know what she needs to do in order for him to hear love in his primary language too. Eventually we need to get to the point where we can speak both our language and our spouse’s fluently and naturally. Like breathing. But this takes time, years of studying one another. Until we are fluent in the love language of our spouse, it feels like we are not being loved when they show love by their love language. In the example of the man who wrote in, when his wife serves him in bed it feels to him like he isn’t being loved because she hasn’t communicated to him HIS language as well, but really she has told him she loves him in the clearest way possible in her mind.

By the way, it is not uncommon for men of ANY love language to say that they want to feel that their wives desire them and to be free to receive pleasure from them. It’s one of the reasons we write this blog, to let wives know that they should be free to express passion and desire to their husbands, but it is going to look different for everyone depending on their individual make up.

So be encouraged to study your spouse and become fluent in their love language. It may not be a perfect model, but by and large it works really well.

So What Is “Kinky?”

There is a lot of discussion these days on things being ‘kinky.’  The term ‘kinky’ is rather subjective.  One couple will say something is too ‘kinky’ for them while another couple thinks the same thing is rather tame.  It really does depend on the general disposition of the people involved.

Here are a couple of different definitions found in the online dictionary for Kinky:

1.  Slang Showing or appealing to bizarre or deviant tastes, especially of a sexual or erotic nature
2.  (used of sexual behavior) showing or appealing to bizarre or deviant tastes; “kinky sex”; “perverted practices” 
3.  Slang. marked by unconventional sexual preferences or behavior, as fetishism, sadomasochism, or the like.

Wow, those are some pretty strong words!  Bizarre, deviant, perverted, fetishism, sadomasochism… And here I am using that term to mean something a little, umm… less!  My husband and I use ‘kinky’ to describe something that is just a little out there or a little different than our normal routine, but not necessarily something that is related to fetishes or BDSM!

There are some couples that would say oral sex, anal sex, and toys are all kinky (to them).  On the other side of the coin, some couples would say that those things are just a normal part of their love making routine and are not of a kinky nature at all.  While we’re on the subject, let’s just make a list of some the things that could be considered ‘kinky’ to people:

Of course this isn’t a complete list of all things sexual.  It’s just a short list off the top of my head.  As you look through this list you’ll probably notice that there are some things that are on the tame side of the spectrum and others that are on the flip side.  Even though the dictionary gives us all of those strong words for ‘kinky’ I still use that word in varying degrees.  As an example, I think that oral sex, female ejaculation, using mirrors & hot oils, lingerie, masturbating for each other, and most sex toys are just a normal part of our sexual routine.  On the other hand, role-playing, submit games, light bondage, spanking, and rimming are all just a little ‘kinky’ to me.  That’s not to say that I don’t indulge in them.  Just that I have to be in a slightly ‘kinky mood’ in order to engage in those things.  (It works out great when my husband and I are both in a kinky mood together!)  There are also those things that I think are just ‘too kinky’ for me and have no interest in (chastity belts).  Then there are some things that are either dangerous or I think border on sexual sin  and I stay away from those.

Of course everyone’s list of what they think is kinky will be different.  Sometimes even within a marriage one spouse may feel certain things are too kinky and the other spouse may think differently.  My list above is just a starting point that maybe you could use as a discussion starter, to discuss how you feel about certain acts.  Maybe you and your husband could go down this list, or make up your own, and sit down and talk about what things you think are tame, slightly kinky, and too kinky for you.  Even if you have done something like this in the past, I’m here to tell you that things change over the years.  You may have had one set of ideas when you first married (or even just last year) and find that now your views have changed somewhat.  The key here is to be open to discussing these things together and then to respect how your spouse feels. Maybe you could plan some time in the next week or so, to discuss this topic together and see how you both feel about specific things.  God bless!

Balancing Loving God and Loving Your Husband

My passion for Jesus started at a very young age. I have walked with Him for as long as I can remember without much of a desire to stray from Him. He has been faithful to me in some really difficult things and growing in knowing Him has been my heart’s call for many, many years.

My enjoyment of my husband began the day I met him. We were friends instantly as he has had the same heart’s call and, well, he is just so gosh darn likable. As our friendship grew into love I realized that he was the one I would spend my life with and I can honestly say that God has been faithful to use us in one another’s lives to propel us deeper into God. I wouldn’t change this for anything. It’s one of the things I cherish most about our relationship, that God always seems to be stirring the same things in us when it comes to learning more about how to walk rightly with Him.

I think there are several keys to balancing our love for God and our love for our husbands. One is that it helps tremendously if we embrace a teachable spirit within us. I would far rather have my children marry a believer in Jesus who has a heart that is soft towards the work of God and that is teachable, than someone who just grew up in the church and was a good person without letting God touch them deeply. Of course, we don’t like being corrected, but while it may initially be uncomfortable, generally if we can be open to it and enter into the process realizing that God is doing a good thing in us, it is amazingly valuable. If a husband and wife can do this it allows God to have access to our hearts and for us to learn how to love well.

It also helps if we fully realize that loving God and loving our husbands is not mutually exclusive. They are completely connected. You may have heard people give lists of their priorities in life. For example, God, husband, children, work, extended family, friends and so on. In some ways I can see how it is helpful for people to reflect on what is most important in their lives, but in other ways it can train us to think that these are all separate things when really they all touch one another and should center around our identity as children of God. I am a child of God when I pray, but also when I mother my kids and care for those in need and go grocery shopping AND make love to my husband.

It is far too common for us to hear stories of men in particular who are married to passionate women of God in the world, but apathetic lovers in bed. Whether from wrong teaching or being sinned against or intentionally turning off our sexuality because it feels like it’s a bother, it can be costly to break out of that mindset of apathy towards marital intimacy. We can’t force it on our spouse so when a wife or husband feels cold towards sex, their helpmate often finds themself frustrated. This is why the teachable spirit I mentioned earlier is so important. An aspect of my own sexual awakening was that God knew He had access to my heart. If you are married to an impassionate lover and would like it to change, pray first that God would make you both teachable and that you would embrace whatever He wants to do in your lives. And remember, that may not look how you want it to look.

Embracing that women of God make really great lovers to their husbands can seem quite paradoxical, but it really is true. In fact, it is my firm belief that women of God have the potential to be the best lovers out there. It all depends on how you define “best lover,” but if it looks like a woman who can give her spiritually redeemed self fully to the pleasure and passion, service and sensuality that is available with her husband, THAT is a  good lover in my opinion. Bring it on, God!

Keeping Score

Do any of you ever feel that you are putting way more into pleasing your husband than he is putting into pleasing you? After all, men do get aroused easier and orgasm faster.

 

I can only speak for myself but if any of my spice sisters (or any of our readers) feel differently I’m sure they will speak up.  Our blog is not just about pleasing our husbands; we are encouraging women to embrace their sexuality.  Many women have been suppressing their sexual urges because they have been taught (either through church, by parents or just from society alone) that it is wrong.  It is not wrong and completely natural.  God made us this way.  If pleasing my husband makes me happy, and he pleasing me makes him happy then don’t we both win?  Marriage is not about keeping score.  It’s about building a bond, through God and then that spills over into our marriage. 
(My only disclaimer is if you are in a marriage where your spouse puts your needs second, time and time again, then you need to make him aware before resentment sets in. )

 

Men do become aroused easier, but that is no reason to neglect those special things that cement our bond.   A good marriage takes a lot of hard work, open communication and it requires a team effort.  You and your husband are on the same side and you should be each other’s biggest cheerleader.  Intimacy is not just about ‘getting off’.  Here is a food analogy for you.  Let’s say you are hungry and you satisfy that huger with junk/fast food day after day. All that fast food is going to take a toll on you in the long run.  Your hunger may be lessened but you body will be missing out on serious nutrition that helps your body run effectively.  The same goes for a marriage.  If you are only interested in keeping yourself satisfied sexually then the other half of your marriage suffers and your bond is weakened.  Soon you will be feeling empty.  I love knowing that I make my husband feel like the most special guy in the world and in the long run I think it helps him be the best husband he can be. 

 

Remember that the best way to be blessed is to be a blessing yourself.

 

Q&A: Praying Before Sex?

“I am getting married in February – we are both virgins – I am making as much preparations for our first time together physically as I possibly can using books, this website and your links – but I wondered how we should prepare spiritually.  Should we pray before we ‘do it’ for the first time? Prob seems silly but I am a bit nervous!”

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!  What an exciting time for you and your fiance.  It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of thinking ahead, and NO, you aren’t silly for asking about this!

Making love for the first time is a very special moment.  You and your husband will be joining yourselves together physically as you never have before.  I believe that God smiles whenever two of His children marry and make love.  He gave us this wonderful gift to share with our spouse, so of course you can pray beforehand. Marriage is a triumvirate, with God as the Head.  You two will rely on both each other and Him.

Many couples who have been married for years still pray before sex, asking God to bless their union or to help them please one another or to ask for fertility help, etc.  No prayer is unheard, as our Heavenly Father cares about all that is on our hearts.  There are some couples who even will pray during the act, although I have to admit that praying is the last thing on my mind during sex 😳

Cinnamon Sticks also has a series of articles dedicated to engaged couples such as yourselves, that you might also find helpful.  I encourage you to read them together if you haven’t already:


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