I happened to come across an interesting link this past week.  It seems that a man and his wife decided to have sex every day for 101 days.  It was like a personal challenge, to see if they could do it.  The wife was quoted as saying  “Our marriage really needs to do this.” The couple wrote a book about it and has also appeared on several television interviews talking about their project.  Here is one such interview:

Their story intrigued me, so I read several articles about them.  I also looked up their book, and watched a couple of interviews with them.  For the most part, they are sending out a positive message to couples.  They are trying to encourage other couples to touch more and communicate more effectively.  I get that.  I understand that they feel more connected now, and want to share that with others.  I just can’t help wishing they were Christians.

I am assuming here that they are not.  As a part of their pledge to have sex for over three months straight, they went to a porn convention together and rented X-rated movies together.  When I read this part of their story, I cringed.  I was really enjoying reading about them until I got to that part.  How sad.  In order to help them in their quest to have sex daily, they felt like they needed to resort to pornography?

I’m not naive here.  I do know that it would take a tremendous amount of dedication and creativity to be able to make love to your spouse every single day for 100 days.  We are all under time restraints and have so many other outside obligations tugging us in so many different directions.  We have children and jobs and family and extracurricular activities.  Sometimes there just aren’t enough hours in the day to fit everything in, including sex.  Taking a challenge like this would require dedication, heart, and an understanding that your normal schedule may change a little, but it wouldn’t require porn.

I would have loved to read about how this couple was able to draw closer to each other and to God, but that wasn’t the case here.  It seems like they were just grasping on to any and every thing they could think of to help arouse them.  In the end they said that it did bring them closer and improve their communication and that they do touch more now and feel a stronger bond, but I’m still bummed out.

This has caused me to stop and try to think of how long I think I could commit to something like this.  I think I could do a month, but beyond that I’m not sure.  I just sit here thinking about football practices, and swim lessons, and working, and the cooking/cleaning at home, and my husband’s work hours.  It’s fatiguing just thinking about trying to make sure that I fit sex in there every single day!  But we put priorities on other things in our lives, so why do we put our marriage at the bottom of our priority list so often?

These are just my thoughts as I read and watched this couple’s story.  They wrote a book about this whole project of theirs as well, but I’m not interested in reading it.  I would, however, like to hear from some of you.  Do you think you could take a challenge like this?  What would be your biggest hurdle?  Would it be easier for you or for your husband?

August 27, 2008
Categories: Intimacy in Marriage . . Author: cumingirl . Comments: 7 Comments

I grew up reading, a lot, and when I would run out of good books to read, I would pick up my mom’s Harlequin Romance books. I had quite an imagination as a teen, so the scenes where the guy would whisk the girl away…well, they all sounded SO romantic. My next fixation became Soap Operas. My favorites growing up (and into my 20’s as well) were Young and the Restless and Days of Our Lives. They all make falling in love, marriage; romance and sex look so simple and so easy. Everyone does it right the first time they have sex (and subsequent times afterwards) and you can bask in the glow for as long as you want afterwards. (and maybe even several more times afterwards, too!) And this isn’t just the young characters in the books and on tv, it’s the middle aged ones, too.

THEN….you get into the reality of marriage. When you step through the hotel door on your honeymoon or your honey comes through the door after a long day at work, you can just drop your clothes and get busy, right? Not always. Never once have I seen a character in a soap or a movie that looks at their bedazzled spouse who has been at home with 4 kids all day and says, “Let’s get down to business!” (Cause in reality, the kids are right there jumping all over you, hanging off you or screaming at you from the other side of the house) So when you finally do get a spare moment, do you (A) get to romp in the middle of your white satin sheets for as long as you want or (B) get a quicky in the bathroom? If you are like me, at times it can be none of thee above.

It took me a long time to get the fantasy of romance out of my head…by that I mean the Harlequin Romance definition of romance. My husband is romantic in his own way, but he definitely isn’t a Victor Newman or a Roman Brady….but you know what? He loves me for who I am and the wife and mother I am. Yeah, sometimes work wears me out, the kids wear me out, but I have a DH who stuck with me through almost 11 years of refusing sex. Would Victor Newman stick around? NO WAY. Look at romance with your spouse for what it is…intimacy between the two of you. It can be flirting, it can be casting longing glances at each other over the food fight at the dinner table….more of the Trace Adkins “One Hot Mama” kind of reality. (the video does have a lingerie wearing Mama in it…just a warning) I feel like the wife in the video, and I am forever grateful that my husband looks and sees me like Trace does in that video. But you want to know the best thing though? God created you and He loves you and you will always have an Abba Father to go to when you need help or when you need a change in your thoughts and attitude for your spouse. Ask God to make you the fun, creative, sexual being that he made you for your spouse. If you feel there is a need for work in your marriage bed, ask God to show you how to make it pure excitement and ecstasy for you and your husband. Ask God to purify your thoughts for your husband and to not have expectations of him that he just cannot meet. Your husband is real and not fiction.

Ladies, romance sometimes isn’t what we’re led to believe by the media we see or read. Sometimes it is easy, but sometimes it is messy, too! (How many of you have lounged around in bed after sex for a long time? Not me!) Read into your marriage realistic ideals for sex and romance. It will take work sometimes, compromise sometimes, and sometimes it will be smooth sailing.

Follow God’s plan for romance in your marriage. It isn’t written in a novel, but it is written in God’s word, the Bible.

July 1, 2008
Categories: Intimacy in Marriage . . Author: spicynutmeg . Comments: 3 Comments

Many couples are separated for an extended amount of time in today’s world.  Some husbands are deployed, away on business trips or unavailable because of many other circumstances that are beyond our control.  This does not mean that your level of intimacy should come to a screeching halt.  I am talking about letting your fingers do the walking, literally.  Phone sex can bridge that emotional/physical gap between husband and wife.

If this is something you have never done before it may feel a little awkward at first.  Push past that feeling and be confident. If you feel self conscious, try turning off the lights.  The phone conversation does not need to be the “What are you wearing?” variety.  To get things rolling just think back to a steamy encounter you and your husband have had in the past.  Remember that if you are initiating this that your level of arousal will most likely be higher than his at this moment.  Paint a picture with words.  Be very descriptive when you tell him what you loved about that encounter and talk about the things that really turn him on.  Does he loves receiving oral from you?  Then describe what you wish you could be doing with your mouth.  Your words and the tone of your voice will have a major impact on his arousal.  Share how aroused you are and tell him what you are aching to do.  If you love your man’s muscular thighs then tell him how much you would like to feel those muscles under your fingers or tongue.  Encourage him to participate by asking him what he would want you to do next.   If you have a fantasy that you are a bit shy about sharing you could introduce it at this time.  An example would be “How would you like it if I tied you up?”  If he encouraged you to go on, you could describe yourself doing a seductive strip tease and be sure to tell him exactly what you are doing to yourself.  He can not feel your body so you need to describe exactly what you are feeling with your fingers.  If you are comfortable using a vibrator, then, by all means, go for it.  Your words are not the only audio he is taking in.  He can hear the buzzing of a vibrator, the rapid pace of your breathing and the groan escaping from your mouth.  He will get sensory overload and he’ll love every minute of it!!

Now, in the perfect scenario, when all is said and done, we would have a very happy, satisfied couple.  Would you just roll over and go to sleep?  Say “So, how about them Cubs?”  No, you would tell him how great it was and how it made you feel with a hug, words or a kiss.  Seeing that the hugging and kissing part are not options then communicate how you feel with words.  Tell him how your climax felt and what your body experienced.  Just because you are on the phone doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t bask in the afterglow.

June 18, 2008
Categories: Intimacy in Marriage . . Author: peppermintgirl . Comments: 2 Comments

There is nothing quite as wonderful as spending quality, uninterrupted time with your husband. Date nights are nice and they are a commitment in our house, but there are also those precious memories we have of nights or weekends away and we wouldn’t trade them for anything. Spicy Nutmeg wrote an article on Spicy Getaways and shared how romantic it can be to visit a secluded cabin with your hubby. My husband and I have enjoyed those kinds of more rustic getaways, but we have also had the opportunity to visit a big city and stay in a swanky hotel. The cabin retreats allow me to feel more like myself that any other time. Just to rest and BE. Nothing required of me, but to sit and talk with my man. However the hotel allows me to feel like I can escape all that is normal and common to me and almost be someone else for awhile. I find it refreshing too.

For some of us, flying off to a hotel at a moments notice isn’t possible. If you have that luxury, you are blessed, but often times it takes a little more planning. When my husband and I spent a night at a hotel last December it required us to start planning in the early Fall. We needed to start saving money because it wasn’t an inexpensive hotel. We needed to arrange care for our children and my husband needed to secure time off at work, but all the effort and planning was more than worth it. We made memories that will last us our lifetime. We browsed the high end shops and snickered at the price of things. We enjoyed the hotel amenities numerous times. We had an enjoyable dinner together at a restaurant we don’t eat at frequently due to location and price. We took in some live theater and laughed our heads off. It was magnificent and we wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Changing gears slightly, I also want to touch on another way that hotels can be utilized to broaden your options for making time for intimacy. Sometimes you don’t have the luxury to get away for more than an evening. For whatever the reason, it just doesn’t work at this stage of your life to be away for very long. In these cases and simply if you want to add some variety, you might consider checking in to a nice hotel in the area where you live just for the evening. This way you can still have the experience of “going away,” but you can hold to your other commitments as well.

So I encourage you to plan on a nice hotel getaway sometime in the next year. Escape from your normal everyday life and experience something new and fresh.

June 3, 2008
Categories: Intimacy in Marriage . . Author: cinnamonsticks . Comments: 2 Comments

1. Pray for God to give you His attitude towards sex.

(This is the most important thing.

Without it, the rest won’t matter)

2. Wake up each day, look in the mirror and ask Jesus to tell you what is beautiful about you.

3. Make an effort to “think sex” throughout the day.

4. Take the initiative to plan a really romantic date.

5. Prayerfully make a list of all the things you love about your husband and give it to him.

6. Be responsive to your husband’s affection through out the day.

7. Ask the Father to give you the heart of the Shulamite Woman (for Him and for your husband) as you study the Song of Solomon.

8. Write your man a sexy note for him to find somewhere during the day; in his vehicle, in his wallet or in a bag he takes to work.

9. Initiate a hug and kiss at least once a day.

10. Wear sexy panties.

May 28, 2008
Categories: Intimacy in Marriage . . Author: cinnamonsticks . Comments: 5 Comments

~ I ~ N ~ T ~ I ~ M ~ A ~ C ~ Y ~

I hear intimacy talked about all the time when it comes to both marriage and our relationship with Christ. Perhaps that is why the authors of the Bible parallel our relationship with Jesus to the relationship between a husband and a wife. There is something about both of them that requires a great deal of intimacy. So what is it? What is intimacy?

Here are some definitions I have heard:

To be honest I think the dictionary definition is lacking if you ask me. My bank account is of a rather private nature, but my relationship with it isn’t intimate as I understand intimacy. That is too broad a definition to be helpful in understanding why intimacy is important in relationships. “In to me you see” is a play on the word intimacy (broken up into similar sounds) which is a little more helpful if you think about it long enough. You are allowing someone to look inside you to know the real you, but I love the definition that Dennis Rainey offers us. Making the true you available for someone to know is a great risk, and that is an effective and concise way of explaining what intimacy is.

I like to think of intimacy as connecting with someone on every level; physical, emotional and spiritual. Physically, when we become intimate with someone there is some sort of touch involved and to varying degrees depending on the relationship we have with the person. Emotionally, our decision to be intimate with someone becomes a connection of our minds and our hearts. We share the real stuff of who we are and find that we are stronger for it. Spiritually, as we connect to the God-part of another person in prayer and unity of heart for the Kingdom of God, we find that that part of intimacy is marvelously intense.

Obviously the physical, emotional and spiritual way that Jesus effects me and the way my husband effects me and the way my best friend effects me are all different, but there is a connection on all three levels that we have with people once we become intimate with them, once we trust them enough to let them into our personal boundaries.

Can you have intimacy without one of these factors? Maybe, but it might be limited. Let’s take the example of the women who write on this blog with me. I haven’t met most of them in person, but I have been friends with them for over a year. We have shared an intimacy that is of a nature I do not have with any other girlfriends, and yet we have never physically met. So it isn’t that it is impossible to have intimacy without one of those aspects, but the level is limited. I am sure that once I meet these ladies in person, the potential for more intimate friendships is greater.

So how does all this relate to marital intimacy? Why is intimacy with your husband important? So far we have spoken more generally, but a marriage couldn’t thrive in what God planned for it to be, that is a reflection of His relationship with us, without all three aspects of intimacy.

If a husband and wife have walls of mistrust, deception, a lack of forgiveness, and bitterness that keep them from allowing one another into their real presence they can not develop a deep intimacy. Their hurt may not even be toward their spouse, but if they have walls up to protect themselves from people getting close to them, it will damage their relationship with their spouse.

Intimacy is important in marriage because it is the only way to receive the full blessing that God intended marriage to be. God planned for marriage to be intensely wonderful and a lifelong journey filled with passion and deep connection which ends up providing us with the most amazing human relationship we can experience, but it would not be possible without a willingness to pursue intimacy.

Intimacy is risky, especially at the beginning, but it gets easier over the years if you are committed to it. The more you do it, the more you see if your spouse can be trusted with your heart. And then, the more you see that they are trustworthy, the more willing you are to keep on sharing yourself with them.

The real commitment to intimacy is challenged when you have opened yourself up to your spouse and they have not been trustworthy. That is when we start asking ourselves the big questions of whether intimacy is worth the cost when we get hurt. I would submit to you that if you married someone with a desire to live their life in surrender to God and they have hurt you that it is worth the work to push through the season of pain and come out stronger on the other side. I know many couples who have worked through tough issues like infidelity and some who could not. It is not easy and is a long, hard process, but it is possible with the right conditions. Those are, the amazing reconciliation ability of the True Lord Jesus and two people honestly seeking to honor Him. If you have found yourself in such a situation I pray that the grace of God would be upon you and that you would know His presence is near you as you walk through this season.

Overall though, intimacy between a committed husband and wife has the greatest potential for a relationship that is deeply life-giving. Intimacy is worth the effort, worth the risk, worth the vulnerability. Intimacy is just one of the many different ingredients that make a marriage great.

March 19, 2008
Categories: Intimacy in Marriage . . Author: cinnamonsticks . Comments: 5 Comments

How do you look when you are looking at your husband or better yet your husband’s penis? I love looking at my husband’s body and I am sure he can tell by just the look on my face and my actions but I let him know verbally as well. Having the right attitude in bed can do wonders for your sex life.

If your man isn’t visual and more audio receptive tell him everything you plan on doing to him.  If your husband is visual you may want to strategically place yourself in front of a mirror so he can see you from different angles. Does he love lingerie? Why not put his favorite one on while you perform oral sex on him? If you can walk and chew gum at the same time you may even want to use a toy on yourself while you pleasure him with your mouth. 

During oral sex slowly take your time devouring your husband. Make sure he knows that you are happy being down there and that can’t get enough of him. I mentioned in my “Pleasing Your Wife” article that the husband should make you feel like the most delicious thing he has ever tasted and you should do the same for him. If you try one technique and it doesn’t feel right then don’t do it. Cumingirl wrote a helpful article on “Drinking Him Down” with some helpful tips on swallowing as well as some alternative methods to swallowing.

Don’t forget to smile. OK, smiling while performing oral can be a challenge but eye contact can do wonders as well. If you are stimulating your man with your hands you can certainly smile and tell him how he makes you feel. I’ve often wondered how the phrase ‘Blow Job’ and ‘Hand Job’ came to be. These acts are not like any job I have ever had they are a privilege. If something funny happens, laugh. You are celebrating each other. Not only are you stroking each others bodies, you are stoking each others egos too. Let him know how much he blesses you.

The key is to enjoy what you are doing. If you do swallow and you look like you just consumed a plate full of liver then your husband is not going to feel very good about it. If you are attempting a sexual act that is painful then you are not going to be too enthusiastic about it in the future. He is going to want you to enjoy and look forward to these acts as well so do only what you are comfortable doing. Is there something he really wants you to do but you have reservations? Pray and talk about it. Hopefully the two of you can meet in the middle. I have learned to extend my comfort zone and it has definitely added some spice to our marriage bed. So, what is his top priorty? It’s you, silly.  He wants to know that you are receiving pleasure from him. Don’t keep it a secret and if you are not receiving pleasure then talk to him about what can be done differently. Now go have fun and remember to show him some enthusiasm!! 😉

February 26, 2008
Categories: Intimacy in Marriage . . Author: peppermintgirl . Comments: 3 Comments

Picture this, if you will.  You are in the middle of a crowded gym.  Suddenly you see a man and a woman make eye contact.  They look away from each other with small smirks that make you wonder what their secret is.  A few minutes later one of them finishes their set, walks by the other and as they do they proceed to give a small smack on the others derrière.   As the smacker walks away he/she turns to see the others response without breaking stride.  That was a true story and it happened between me and my husband.  If you are thinking that he was the one to give me that love tap, you’re wrong. 

I have found that there is a time and place to do this sort of activity.  When my husband is trying to discuss serious issues that demand my full attention then groping him or treating him like “eye candy” at that time would not be good but any other time is fair game.  We have a very playful relationship.  If you are uncomfortable with public displays of affection then this can be done in the privacy of your own home.  I am sure your husband would love to be noticed and appreciated for his looks by the woman of his dreams.  Especially if he has been working at it by working out or eating right.  It struck me how much time males of all ages (and I am not counting toilet time) spend in the bathroom and yet they rarely get complimented on their looks.  Everyone loves a compliment.  You can even slip a note in his computer bag or pants pocket on his way out the door.  “Erotic Letters” may give you some ideas if you are stuck on what to say.

My husband is a very private person.  He did blush the other day at the gym while he flashed me a smile.  I gave him a kiss good bye and went on my way.  Then I started thinking,”Have I pushed the envelope too far?”  Later that night I asked how he liked my love tap and he said “I loved it!!!” much to my relief.    Make your man feel good.  It doesn’t have to be a butt slap it could be as simple as saying that the shirt he is wearing really brings his sexy eyes out.  He will love you for it!!!

February 12, 2008
Categories: Intimacy in Marriage . . Author: peppermintgirl . Comments: 2 Comments

If you’ve read more than a couple of our posts here on Christian Nymphos, you might think that we are all always on the lookout for sex, ready to pounce on our loving husbands as soon as we see them.

This may be the case for a couple of us (lol), but not all.

As much as I enjoy making love with my husband, there are times when I’m preoccupied, or tired, or busy, or just generally “not in the mood.”

Earlier in our marriage, I would think nothing of giving my husband an excuse, or pretending to be asleep already, or secretly wishing he’d just go masturbate if I wasn’t in the mood for sex. This was what my friends did, this was what the world told me was normal and acceptable. But then I read a book called Intimate Issues. It challenged many of my perceptions of marital intimacy, and specifically it challenged me about ignoring my husband’s needs.

I now understand that I am the only person in the world who has been ordained by God to meet my husband’s sexual needs. My body belongs to him, and his belongs to me. Through the bonds of marriage, our bodies are God’s gift to one another. For this reason, I have a duty to try to fulfill his desires, and he mine.

Now please don’t think that I’m talking about that kind of grim old, “oh-great-just-what-I-need-another-duty” kind of thing. I find that it’s all in how you look at a thing…how you approach it. You can say “I have to do it, so I will” or you can say “I get to do it, so I will.” If we view sex as a gift from God, something really special and good that He’s given us for pleasure as well as procreation…well that’s a different kind of duty, isn’t it?

Intimate Issues (the book that I mentioned above) offers an excellent technique for getting yourself a new attitude about sex on those doldrum days. Start off by saying a silent prayer. Ask the Lord to help you to make love to your husband right now, not just to lay there and “have sex.” Ask Him to help you to make your husband feel desired. Ask Him to help your body to respond. Even as you begin to make love, look deeply at this man whom God has given you. Thank the Lord for him. Thank the Lord that He has given you this special person as your mate in life. Thank the Lord that this man wants to be with you, and that he is able to perform. Thank the Lord that he is doing this or that right now to bring sexual pleasure to you.

And then just relax. Just enjoy the moment. Don’t allow your mind to go back to your “to-do” list or to what is less than perfect about your husband’s technique, or the fact that the dog needs to be fed. Just be right there in that moment with your beloved.

This works for me. I hope that it will work for you. I have seen myself go from bored and uninterested to wildly orgasmic by employing this technique. Ask and you shall receive, ladies, ask and you shall receive.

(I do find it necessary to mention here that I am not talking about times when a woman legitimately needs a night off. There are situations in which sex drives are wildly incompatible and the couple must find a way to balance that. I’m not talking about those cases, but rather the “I just don’t feel like it” moods.)

January 9, 2008
Categories: Intimacy in Marriage . . Author: cumingirl . Comments: 8 Comments

Most of the contributors to this blog will tell you that a point came in their marriage when they suddenly had a revelation of God’s intention for them to have a richer sexual relationship with their husband. The result; a sexual awakening.

For the first several years of my marriage I had a minor interest in sex. It isn’t that I felt I was “putting up with it,” but I just didn’t have a great passion for it most of the time. Although the times my husband and I did have sex it was a pretty good time, we didn’t have sex very often and we had very poor communication about it. Then in the fall of 2006, quite all of a sudden and surprisingly, I had my sexual awakening. My husband didn’t know quite what to do with all of these sudden changes in me and honestly it took some time for us to adjust to it. My husband found the sudden change overwhelming at times. Remember we had poor communication about sex and that didn’t change just because I now wanted him every chance I could. So we have been working through that and trying to improve our communication in general, but also in relation to our intimacy.

“So how did it happen?” I can hear the wives and husbands asking. There were several situational circumstances that caused it, but at the core there were several things that were the key.

First, this revelation came from Jesus. In much the same way that I can not know the love of God unless He chooses to reveal it to me, I could only have had this revelation by His hand. So if you or your wife or husband need to experience a sexual awakening then pray, pray, pray. God promised that if we sought Him with all of our heart we would find him. Read books like Red Hot Monogamy, Intimate Issues and Sheet Music, and study the Song of Solomon in a variety of translations with much prayer. Ask God to show you His view of sex. Why did He create it? What more does He have for you in your marriage bed? Show Him that you are seeking Him with all of your heart.

Second, in this revelation that God had more to bless us with in our marriage bed, was also a revelation of how beautiful I was to my husband. I suddenly realized how much he desired me and I believed him when he told me how beautiful I was to him. I didn’t resent it if he wanted my body because I knew that my soul was part of the package. He wanted all of me. And it was a good thing.

And third, even before my heart believed it, I started behaving as the sexy wife I was starting to understand that I was. I became more responsive to my husband’s touch and started communicating that I wanted him. And soon, my heart started believing it so much so that my sexy heart and my sexy behavior were one and the same. They spurred one another on to deeper and deeper passion until I seriously thought I was going to explode. I remember the one night that I couldn’t sleep because of all my passionate thoughts towards my husband. That was the highest my drive ever was and I can thankfully say that I have never had a night like that again because I seriously need my sleep, but I love that I know that part of me still exists. So my drive may go up and down a bit, but I still continue behaving sexually. I keep thinking sexy thoughts of my husband. I realize that I really can choose how I will think and feel about sex in any given moment.

So if you need and want a sexual awakening, seek God for it and start acting sexy. Let your mind think sexy thoughts. If your husband or wife needs a sexual awakening, the most practical thing you can do the change it is to pray continually for God to change it. He is on your side. He wants your spouse to be free even more than you do. Ask Him to show you how to reach out to your beloved. Ask Him to make you who you need to be in order to be a blessing to your spouse. Do all that He leads you to do.

I bless your marriage bed!

January 1, 2008
Categories: Intimacy in Marriage . . Author: cinnamonsticks . Comments: 26 Comments