“I need a step by step manual on how to perform cunnilingus. My husband is enthusiastic but as clueless as I am. I read the article written on it on this site and found it rather vague. He’s very intelligent but he needs “something more detailed than just that? ” Someone at TMB had suggested getting the book “she comes first”, but for reasons of location it’s impossible for me. I only recently am managing to overcome hang-ups I’ve had about it so if we’re going to do it I’d rather he did it right, or not at all. It’s mortifying having to endure having him there and gaining nothing from it. Would really appreciate any further suggestions as to how to get things running smoothly. What I mean is – is it possible to paste the manual up here? That way he can always have access to it easily.”

For some strange reason, I think that people automatically assume (or expect) that men know how to give cunnilingus.  It’s common for women to read up on how to give fellatio, but we don’t really expect to hear about men wanting information too.  We need to realize that men are not born with the exact knowledge of how to please us orally.  They need information too!  I’m going to try and share some tips and techniques with all of you couples out there on giving good cunnilingus.  Let me give just a minor warning that this article will be full of detailed information on giving oral sex to wives.

Cunnilingus is good whenever the wife is wet.  If she isn’t wet enough with her own secretions, then the couple can use coconut oil or another lube of their choosing, or the husband can use his saliva.  Just make sure that the entire area is lubed up.  The husband’s mouth and fingers need to be able to ‘glide’ around her intimate parts.

The wife and husband both need to be in a comfortable position.  It helps to have the wife’s legs spread far apart, to give her husband easy access.

When he is ready to get down to business, then it’s a good idea for him to spread her outer labia apart with one (or both) hands.  That will help him to see and navigate her better.  Her lips will be out of the way so that his tongue can have free range!

From here I’ll give you some examples of specific techniques to try.  Not all women will like every one of these suggestions, so the best way to find out is to just ask her straight up.  Ladies, if you need to print this out and put a check by the paragraphs that you like, then do it!

When starting out, it helps to go slowly and lick and kiss all around the vulva area.  You can even suck one of her outer labia lips into your mouth and run your tongue around on it.  All of these sensations feel good for her!

Lick around the vaginal opening.  If you pull down lightly on the skin/labia, while you still have them spread, you will see the vaginal opening towards the bottom.  Run your tongue around the entrance and caress her gently with your gliding motions.  She may like circular motions or a light licking motion across the entire opening.

Probe her vagina with your tongue.  Stick it in as far as you can, without hurting yourself (yes, you can overextend your tongue).  See if you can replicate the thrusting motions that you normally do with your penis.   After every few thrusts, bring your tongue up to her clitoris for a couple of licks, and then resume your probing.  This can be very erotic for some women.

Run your tongue up and down the entire length of her inner labia on both sides.  Give a little diversity by varying the speed and pressure in which you are licking.  Use the tip of your tongue and then use the full width of your tongue.  Make sure that you are grazing over her clitoris during this process too.  You can also include her perineum area (her ‘taint’) that is between her vagina and anus.  She will delight in the sensations that you bring to her entire garden!

Apply indirect pressure to her clitoris by circling all around it with your tongue.  You may need to stop holding her labia lips open for this part.  Some women, who can’t take direct pressure, respond better to indirect pressure.  When you are holding apart her labia lips, you are making the clitoris more pronounced, and it could possibly be too much.  (Ask her and see.)

Apply direct pressure by continuing to hold her labia lips open, and licking directly on her clitoris.  (It will feel like a little pebble at the top of her vulva, near her pubic mons.  For more info on the clitoris, click here.)  Try making quick, flicking motions on her clitoris with your tongue, up and down or back and forth.  You can also change it up and move your tongue in small circles around her clitoris, first clockwise and then counterclockwise.

Another really nice thing to try is to suck her clitoris into your mouth and then gently suck on it as you would her nipple.  As you are sucking on it you can use your tongue on it at the same time.  You can also try to hum with her clitoris in your mouth, to give her some vibrations to enjoy!

When you are devoting your mouth and tongue to her clitoris, you can also incorporate your fingers during this time by fingering her vagina.  You can use one or two fingers, lightly thrusting.  You will help to stimulate the g-spot if you bend your fingers gently into a “come here” motion while inside her.  You can also use the “corkscrew” method, by crossing your index and middle finger and inserting them that way.

You can easily add rimming or anal attentions to oral sex if you two are into that sort of thing.  Finger cots and lube make it easy to graze or rub lightly over the anus while your tongue is busy up top.  There are many nerve endings at the entrance to the anus and many women are surprised to find out how stimulating that area can be.

Ladies, it is your responsibility to give him feedback and let him know if what he is doing is working!  If he tries something that doesn’t work for you, then tell him that!  If he tries something that feels wonderful, then communicate that to him as well and ask him to keep on doing it!  If you are too shy to speak up, then make up some non-verbal cues that you can use together, like… If you tap him on the arm or shoulder then it means you need something different because what he is doing isn’t working.  If you touch him on the top of his head or play with his hair, then you want him to continue doing exactly what he’s doing because it feels great!  If you grab his head and pull him into you, then you are telling him that you want more pressure.

I hope this article was helpful, and as always I’m sure our readers will also chime in with other tips and tricks that work for them.   The woman who wrote in asked for a step-by-step manual for her husband.  I hope that I’ve helped, by giving  some tips and techniques, however I feel the need to remind our men readers that we are moderating men’s comments even harder now.  We will not publish any comment that is too detailed or descriptive or that simply isn’t helpful to our women readers.

July 9, 2009
Categories: Oral Sex, Q&A . . Author: cumingirl . Comments: 52 Comments

“I am a newlywed, and my husband and I are not at all uncomfortable with the concept of oral sex. I fully enjoy it when he does it to me (of course!) but when I give him oral I get physically uncomfortable very fast! My jaw hurts a lot if I do it for too long (I have mild TMJ, and sometimes my jaw will also start to “click”), and the only way I can keep going until he comes is by focusing on something entirely different, which of course isn’t really very romantic. Any pointers?”

I was diagnosed with TMJ at the age of 17, when I had my wisdom teeth cut out.  As I recall, it was worse back then and has gotten better through the years.  Back then I was told to give up gum and hard candies and to eat slowly in small bites, or else I would be facing surgery.  Since then, I have had some small issues with it whenever I have to visit the dentist and keep my mouth open wide for long periods of time.  I’m always sore afterwards.  But the biggest nuisance that I’ve had with my TMJ revolves around oral sex too.

This link is rather interesting.  It says that 90% of people who seek treatment for TMJ are women, and that there may be a correlation between sex hormones and pain.  Apparently women who are on hormone-replacement therapy OR birth control pills are more likely to seek treatment.  This same site gives many other symptoms that can be caused by TMJ and some suggestions for seeking help.

I know all too well how TMJ can interfere with giving oral sex.  The popping, clicking, and grinding sounds made by your jaw are not the most erotic things to hear.  There is also the fear of it “locking up” on you while you are doing the deed!  Then comes the pain.  It gets so very sore when you aren’t able to take a break or stop.  But when you are pleasuring your husband that way, you really don’t want to have to stop because it’s important to you to finish him! (Or is that just me?)  For those of you out there with TMJ issues, here are some things to keep in mind that may help.

On days you plan to give him oral sex (as if we wake up planning it, lol), take extra precautions to not overwork your jaw.  Take a pass on that large sucker or hard candy.  Don’t chew gum or eat crunchy foods in excess.  Use small bites when you eat, and cut your food up if it helps.  Yeah, I know that trying to “plan” oral sex is hard to do.  It may be a good idea to just try to do these things daily anyway, especially if you have a severe case.  Oh, and if you are supposed to be wearing a mouth guard at night, don’t forget to do so!

Limit how much of him you take in.  Trying to engulf his entire member, or deep throat him, may make things worse.

Use your hands more.  Lube up your entire hand and then wrap it around his penis.  Then try to focus your tongue on his frenulum while your hand is doing the pumping up and down.  His frenulum is very sensitive.  You can have your tongue going up and down or left and right on it, and you don’t have to worry about opening your mouth wide.  You can just give your hubby a seductive grin as you make eye contact with him.

If your jaw is really hurting, then you could change things up and focus your oral attentions on his testicles, while you are giving him a hand job.  Or, you can totally use this as an opportunity to learn some different techniques for hand jobs!

You could also try having intercourse first, and when your husband knows he is getting close to climax, you change positions and give him oral sex to finish him.  That way, your vagina does most of the work for you, but your husband still gets to experience your mouth on him.

Having TMJ is frustrating, and it does take some creative thinking for us gals to be able to overcome this obstacle.  Some women with severe cases aren’t able to give oral sex at all.  I’m sure your husband will understand if you need to try some of the above suggestions.  He doesn’t want you in pain while you are trying to give him pleasure.  Talk to him about it and see what you two can work out together.

November 12, 2008
Categories: Oral Sex, Q&A . . Author: cumingirl . Comments: 5 Comments

“My husband is in Iraq and I expect him back in the next 2 to 5 months.  (No return date on his orders, so just a guess.)  Anyway, I am planning for his return, as I miss him very much.  I would like to try new techniques on him, so I’ve been getting ideas from this site.  One thing that I’d like to try, because I think he’d love it is giving oral attention to his testicles.  However, he is very hairy.  Does the husband shave down there, or is there something to use to cover it?”

Yes, men can and do shave down there!  You can read more about it in my article Pubic Shaving: The Man’s Turn! I was so pleased when my husband decided to start shaving for me.  He doesn’t shave all of it, but he does shave the hair on his testicles and perineum area, because he knows that it helps me when I’m giving him oral sex.  He keeps the hair on top, above the penis, because it doesn’t bother me as much.

Before he started shaving, we had tried just using lots of coconut oil to lube them up.  I thought that maybe it would help, but it didn’t.  I would still end up with stray hairs in my mouth or between my teeth and I’d have to stop and get it out in the middle of trying to please him.  It was frustrating.

You asked about men shaving because you say you are interested in giving oral attentions to his testicles.  What a wonderful thing to do!  Many women forget about them and focus solely on the penis.  The testicles can be an amazing source of pleasure for men.  Here are some things to try when you are going south with your mouth:

Easy does it! Make sure that whatever you do, you start off very easy and gentle.  If he likes what you are doing you can always get a little rougher as you go along.  Watch his facial expressions and body language to see if he is enjoying it, wanting more, or needing you to back off a little.

Use lube! His pleasure is greatly increased if you use lube on his testicles.  It will help things feel better for him.  Your tongue and fingers will glide around so much easier.

Suck one into your mouth. That’s right!  Instead of just licking them, suck one gently into your mouth.  While you have it in there, then put your tongue to work!  Use your tongue to circle all around it and caress it.  Then make sure that you release it gently and suck in the other one.  If you are able to get both testicles in your mouth at the same time, without hurting him, then good for you!

Hum while sucking and licking. Sometimes the subtle vibrations of your mouth are blissful for him.

Gently pull downward on one or both testicles. Some men have reported that this technique is quite erotic and sends them through the roof.  You can use your mouth to kind of ‘suck’ it downward, or you can use your lubed fingers to pull them gently downward.  Again, make sure that you aren’t pulling hard on them!

Use a small vibe. Any vibrator will work, but a small bullet is perfect.  This will give stronger vibrations than that of humming.  Lube that baby up and then circle it around his testicles and perineum area.  If you find a spot that is especially sweet, then hold it there for a while, as you are still working your tongue around other parts of him!

Get up close and personal with your entire face. Don’t be afraid of letting his testicles touch your cheeks and/or nose.  If they are well lubed (and they should be) your nose can also be used to give pleasure at the same time as using your tongue.

Incorporate “left-rights” into your play. If you don’t know what I’m talking about here, then right now as you are reading this, stick out your tongue.  Don’t open your mouth.  Just stick out your tongue through your closed lips.  Now, instead of flicking your tongue up and down, move them from side to side (left to right) very fast.  Try using this technique in between his two testicles.  Remember to start out lightly, but if he wants more then apply more pressure and do the left-rights more aggressively.

Ask about teeth. I do not advise that you use teeth at all unless you ask first.   Some men like a light grazing of teeth while others do not like to feel teeth at all.

Take requests. Yes, I’m serious.  Ask your husband what he would like you to do down there.  There are actually some men who like a very light, repeated slapping of their balls.  Other men really like the feeling of hot breath.  Another thing you two may want to try is having you giving all this oral attention to his testicles while he is masturbating himself.  That can be a very intense orgasm!  So ask your husband if there is anything new that he’d like to request of you!

I think it’s great that you are trying to think of some new ways to please your husband orally!  What a blessed man he is!  I’m sure if anyone else has any suggestions for testicle play, they’ll leave them in the comments.  Good luck!

October 9, 2008
Categories: Oral Sex, Q&A . . Author: cumingirl . Comments: 10 Comments

“I am afraid for her to perform oral sex on me.  In my mind I feel like I am a perverted middle age man trying to live out some teenage fantasy.  I don’t like it.  I love to give her oral pleasure, that is first and foremost.    I wonder if I am now lusting my wife and not loving her. I don’t ever want to do anything that may hurt her but I am at a point where I am torn.”

Let me start out by saying that oral sex is NOT just for young people. Sure, you may have had some fantasies when you were younger, but everyone knows that oral sex is better when you are older! 😉 My husband told me just the other day that I was pretty good at giving oral when we first got married, but that I’m so much better at it now. He’s right! I have years of experience under my belt and I know what he likes and dislikes. I firmly believe that the older we get, the better we get at sex. Just think of how awesome we wives will be when we are 75! 😎

You say that you love giving her oral pleasure and it’s important to you. That doesn’t feel perverted to you does it? Somehow I doubt it. My guess would be that you feel good knowing that you are pleasing her, and that you like expressing your love to her in that way. So what makes receiving oral sex different? Your wife likes what you do for her, so why can’t you sit back and accept the gift she is giving to you? It makes me wonder if she has said something negative about it herself. If that is the case, then maybe you two need to sit down and talk specifically about oral sex and your expectations and desires.

You bring up lust, and in most cases it is a bad thing. But in marriage lust is permissible! I most definitely lust after my husband, and there are times that I swear I can see the lust in his eyes for me. Your desire for your wife is natural. You are supposed to crave her and want her. God joined you two together and with marriage comes the wonderful gift of sex. It sounds like you truly love your wife and just really want to be assured that your desires in your marriage bed are okay. I will stand up right now to say to you that oral sex between a husband and wife is perfectly okay! You are most definitely not perverted for wanting it.

If you are feeling torn then my advice to you is to pray specifically about your sex life and to have a heart to heart with your wife. How about reading the Song of Solomon together? It’s such a beautiful book of the bible that is a testament to how loving and incredible sex is supposed to be between a husband and his wife. You can also post a prayer request on our prayer request page if you feel led to do so.

September 17, 2008
Categories: Oral Sex, Q&A . . Author: cumingirl . Comments: 5 Comments

Here are two emails we recently received:

My question is this, is there a way to help my wife enjoy performing oral sex? When we first got married 30+ yrs. ago, for the 1st. year there was mutual oral sex between us and she seemed to truly enjoy that, as did I. Then after a year of marriage, she said she didn’t enjoy performing though she did and still does really enjoy receiving. I asked her about the 1st. year and she admitted that she only led me to believe she enjoyed it because she was afraid I would leave her. Well, here we are past our 30th wedding anniv. I haven’t and won’t leave her, but I do miss the receiving end of oral sex. So is there anything I can do??? Not, she said it was not the taste, though she rarely ever swallowed even then, she just says it’s simply the idea that bothers her about it. Can you give any advice???

I AM A MALE WITH A VERY HIGH SEX DRIVE AND WOULD LIKE TO GIVE AND RECEIVE ORAL SEX IN MY LIFETIME. WIFE DOES NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ORAL SEX AND TRYING NEW THINGS. WHAT IS A MAN TO DO. IT JUST ABOUT DRIVES ME CRAZY.

Our target audience is women, and usually we do not answer questions like this from men. However, we get so many emails each week exactly like the two quoted above. I feel like there are probably women out there who could potentially benefit from talking about this subject. I know for a fact that there are many women who are just not comfortable giving oral sex. So let me address some common fears & concerns that you ladies may have out there. And any side notes for your husbands to read will be in blue. Hopefully this will prompt a discussion in the comments section.

Feeling Like Oral Sex is Sinful – If you are a woman who considers oral sex a sin, then I encourage you to read Cinnamon Stick’s article: Oral Sex: Spice or Sin? The Marriage Bed also offers Paul & Lori’s take on oral sex in their article: What’s Okay? What’s Not? I encourage you to re-examine why you feel the way you do. Is it simply because you were told so by your parents when you were growing up? Is it because of past abuse or sexual sin in your own life? Pray over these issues and ask God to help you work through them, so that you may look at your marriage bed with your husband as pure. (Husbands, encourage your wives to research this topic with you. Read the Song of Solomon together. Pray for and with your wives. Do not badger her about this, or you will end up pushing her away.)

Feeling Like the Penis is Dirty – It isn’t uncommon for women to think that the penis is full of germs. We see our husband go off to spend a full day at work, knowing that his penis is tucked up into his underwear where it will accumulate sweat during the day. We also know that he will undoubtedly have to use the bathroom at least once but probably a few times during the day. At its most simple form, this will involve him taking out his penis to urinate, and then putting it back. And woe to us if we even contemplate thinking about our husbands having to sit on the toilet for um… #2 😯 I mean, I don’t know about your husbands, but I’m sure that every time my husband goes to poop, he wipes, washes everything thoroughly down there with antibacterial soap, rinses, and then is able to put away his penis knowing full well that it will never come in contact with anything dirty. (Just humor me and let me hang on to my little fantasy, ok?) The truth is that yes, the penis can get sweaty during the day. Yes, it is possible that it will come into contact with germs, even just from his hands. But If this is your major issue, then it can easily be overcome by a shower! If you are worried that your darling husband isn’t getting his stuff squeaky clean down there, then shower with him and offer to help him out! Then you can see for yourself that the germs are being washed away. (Husbands, take good care with your hygiene practices, and whenever possible, shower before you want oral sex.)

Fear Of Inadequacy – I remember feeling inadequate when I first went to give my husband oral sex. I had never done it before, so how was I to know if I was doing it right? It helped that my husband had never received oral sex before. So to him, any oral attentions that I gave him were wonderful! But even now, after 15 years of experience I still sometimes wonder if I’m doing a good job. It’s common for us to be critical of ourselves. We need to rise above this and make the decision to at least try to learn about giving oral sex to our husbands. For those of you out there who have never even tried it, you can start off very slowly, by just kissing his penis. Have him show you where he wants it kissed. Learn the areas that are the most sensitive (try just under the head). On those sensitive spots, just give him a lick with your tongue and see him shudder with delight. If you get uncomfortable and want to stop, then stop. Maybe the next time you can take things a little further. You don’t necessarily have to take his entire penis into your mouth the first time, or ever. Instead of sitting there thinking that you can’t, in your mind just keep telling yourself “I CAN!” For more information on beginning oral sex, check out my article Tasting His Fruit. (Husbands, encourage your wives by giving her praise when she does something that feels good to you. Point out to her where your penis is the most sensitive. If she reaches a point where she needs to stop, then tell her it’s okay and that you are proud of her for making it as far as she did! Baby steps over a period of time can result in much progress.)

Fear of Fluids – Okay ladies… Some of you are out there thinking that you don’t want to give oral sex to your husbands because you don’t want to have to taste his ejaculate. This issue is an easy one to deal with! You don’t have to taste it! Your husband will KNOW when he is getting ready to ejaculate. So when he is getting close, you can always work out a signal between you two, for him to let you know that he is getting ready to come. He could tap you on your shoulder or your head, or he could say a special word or phrase like: “I’m there!” When you hear or feel the special signal, you can stop and move your head. Then he can either pump himself or you can use your hand to pump him while he comes. The fluids will never enter your mouth. For more creative ways to handle your husband’s ejaculate, check out my article There He Blows! (Husbands, work out this signal with your wife, and do not ever forget to tell her when you are approaching climax. She is trusting you. If this is the fear that is holding your wife back from performing oral sex, then I will caution you that one time of forgetting will cost you.)

Fear of Size & Gagging – Some of you are out there thinking that you have a quick gag reflex and you just don’t believe you will be able to accommodate your husband’s size. If this truly concerns you, then go shopping! Yep, you read that right. Go to the grocery store and buy a banana or cucumber that you think is approximately the same size as your husband’s penis when erect. Length isn’t so much of an issue here, as girth is. So make sure you are looking for something that is about the same width, so that your mouth can get accustomed to it. (Don’t worry, the produce stockers will just think you are examining the fruits & vegetables for bruises 😎 ) Then take the fruit home and practice putting it into your mouth. Place a flavored condom over it if you want to. It will help it to glide better. Just practice putting it into your mouth a couple of inches. There is no rule that says you have to know how to deep throat, so get rid of those expectations if that is what is scaring you. (Husbands, do not make fun of your wife if she is honestly trying to overcome her inhibitions here. Support her and even go shopping with her!)

Whatever your issues are with oral sex, the best thing you can do is talk about them with your spouse. He cannot read your mind. Be honest about what aversions you have and discuss the possibilities of what prompted you to feel the way you do. Pray together about it, and see if you can agree to some kind of compromise.

July 30, 2008
Categories: Oral Sex, Q&A . . Author: cumingirl . Comments: 28 Comments