We have decided that we want to make a place available on the Christian Nymphos blog for our readers to leave their prayer requests and praise items so that all our readers can be part of praying for these situations we are hearing about through our Got Questions? page.
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Please use the following guidelines:
1. You may leave your prayer request or praise item in the comment box below.
2. Please limit the length of your comment to one or two short paragraphs. We reserve the right to edit down comments that are too lengthy.
3. Your comment will be published exactly how you write it so be sure that you only include information about yourself that you want to be made known publicly. We will not publish prayer requests that involve other people if they contain proper names so please avoid prayers that name the person you want prayer for.
4. The comments will be deleted after one month, however if your situation still requires prayer feel free to post it again. If you have seen God at work in the situation, let us know by way of a praise report.
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We are honored to stand with you in your hour of need, and provide a safe place for you to share your burden.
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Christian Nymphos 
I know what I risk saying this but I really need prayer and hope that I can receive it. My husband and I have had problems for the last few years we have been married; he struggled with a lot of porn and wandering eye issues. A few days ago I was feeling particularly when I was speaking to my brother in law (whom I would often turn to when I was having difficulties) and our conversations had always been Godly and ministry centered. Sunday night I was particularly sad and not in the mood to sleep so I stayed downstairs with one of my sisters in Christ and as she watched a movie, I was chatting with him. Our conversation took a turn for the sexual. While I feel guilty because I am sinning against God, I am growing angrier at my husband. I know my bro-in-law is not interested in me personally, he is younger and single, his mentality is still in that youthful stage so I don’t take his behavior seriously but I am so aware that I’m hurting God. I feel like when Paul questioned why he did what he didn’t want to do but doesn’t do what he wants. I wanna run but I eagerly sign in on msn, I always have been a chatter with my friends but now I sign on just to talk to him. It makes me feel good but it makes me feel bad. Has anyone gone through this? God has been ministering to me about my calling and has called us to be leaders of a new ministry which we haven’t begun yet. I dont want to start like this…I even put up passwords on my comp acct (which I never had but I husband always did) and my husband is doing things he never did before but I always did; snooping on my phone to see who Im talking to, trying to log in to my acct, etc. Im not upset with him, he has every right to be suspicious. I love him but I am so so so angry from the hurt he has caused in my life but it gives me no excuse to hurt him. Pray for me please…I want to let this go but the desire to keep it up is so much stronger…I feel like such a hypocrite and like a dissapointment to God. I dont want pity, feel free to tell me off if you feel the need too…
I am going through a lot now…but God has shown me that praying for others puts things in perspective for one’s self. I don’t have an answer to your problems and I am not the perfect person to tell God to help someone else when I, myself, am not so successful in my marital life. But I hope you know that I wont ciese praying for you. I am going to put you in my list of prayers. We will make it through this storm…watch Praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns. It always helps me push a little forward. Love you in God’s love…
Sister, I will pray for you and be honest with you also. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you are human and particularly we women tend to fall into doing the things you are doing when angry with our spouses. And no, our anger doesn’t make it right. I just want you to know you are not alone, you aren’t a horrible person, but I still want you to recognize the seriousness of the situation you are in and how it can only worsen if you continue in your ways.
My anger towards my husband at times has fueled a pornography addiction I have struggled with myself and caused great temptation in me to talk to other men. But I pray for strength not to go there. Not to bring other people into my marriage. The talking and attention might make you feel good for a moment, but you will feel awful much longer.
You and your husband need to have a serious talk. Confess to him what you have been doing and why. Trust me, it’s difficult but it’s as important as confessing it to God. Then offer each some serious transperancy in your relationship. I’m not saying there should be zero privacy, but your spouse shouldn’t be banging his head against a wall wondering what you are up to. He should have access to your accounts. I have access to my hubby’s stuff and he also has access to mine. We also recently decided to forgo our seperate facebook accounts, another means of indulging in temptation at times. Anyway, you both will sleep better when you know you have nothing to hide from each other. Make it so you have nothing to hide by giving him access to your stuff and have access to his, but don’t abuse that access and put an end to anything that could be found by your husband and upset or hurt him.
It goes without saying that the conversations with your brother in law need to end. That must be especially difficult because he is family. I have had close male friends all my life before marriage and I still have a couple, but my husband has gotten to know them personally and we no longer hang out alone or have private chats online or on the phone. When we do catch up, my hubby is usually close by and our conversations are pretty superficial. It may sound bad, but there really is no reason to be pouring your intimate thoughts out to any man other than your hubby. It is inappropriate. Even if I bump into a male friend and my marriage is in a bad place or I’m feeling really low and they ask how we’re doing, I will say “Oh, we’re okay.” or I might ask for an unspoken prayer for us and say that we’re doing alright. You need to distance yourself from your brother in law, at least emotionally (and I would recommend not being alone with him either). Don’t indulge in these very personal and self seeking conversations with him. Go to a sister in Christ to discuss your feelings, please.
I will be praying for God to do a wonderful work in your marriage, but you and your hubby need to be willing to allow Him to change you and your life together.
I’m almost 30 and getting married in 2 months. We’re both devoted Christians and crazy about each-other. I’m very excited for the sexual intimacy part, but scared at the same time. I’ve never had sex before. I’m very sensitive and sensual, but also very very pain intolerant. I’ve been reading on the internet about many women experiencing pain and not enjoying sex. That also seems to be what I hear from most older believing women around me as well. It just seems somewhat unfair. I know sex is supposed to be enjoyable, for both – not just for the man. I’ve also been told I have a retroverted uterus, which is an added high possibility for painful intercourse. Both my fiance and I have a very healthy sex drive and would love to be able to enjoy intimacy together very often.
Please pray that the Lord gives me more faith so I would trust Him completely and not leave room for fears to haunt me. Also pray that my future husband and I might have an enjoyable wedding night, honeymoon and intimate life for the rest of our lives.
Thank you, sisters!!!
Praying for you! Just a thought: maybe you could try to satisfy him sexually without vaginal sex. I believe there are other ways.
Also, “some cruel twist of fate” in our (Christian) context means cruelty from God (with some of it possibly being consequence of our own sin). Anyway, if you are harboring frustration, anger or bitterness towards God – tell Him. Communicate (pray and read the Bible). He already knows what is in you. Try reading the Psalms for examples of honest outpouring of emotions towards God. And most of them are authored by the man called “a man after God’s own heart”!
In all of this I’m praying that you will draw nearer to God and experience his sweet presence and healing!
Welcome and congratulations on your upcoming wedding! A piece of advice – please stop reading on the Internet about sex being painful and stop listening to older women who say that it is! You need to be seeking positive information and advice as you get ready for marriage. Read as much as you can on this site, which is very positive and informative. There’s some information for engaged women too (link at the top – Sex Issues for the Engaged). Get the book “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman – you and your fiance should both read the information for engaged couples now and the entire book after you’re married. If you have a medical issue that causes concern, talk to a good gynecologist (i.e., one who is willing to help you with your concerns) now. Sex and intimacy in a loving marriage are wonderful – there is nothing to worry about, but it’s smart to be informed and prepared. Can it hurt a little the first few times? Yes, but it’s nothing terrible – the likelihood of having ongoing pain with intercourse is very small. And it’s even smaller if you are informed and relaxed and not all tensed up about it. Please come back to this site often, read the articles and discussions, and ask questions. You will find great information and suppot.
Congratulations on your wedding, and on waiting for your husband! While some women have poor sexual experiences, many have wonderful ones! My husband and I waited for each other and loved our first 6 months of marriage/intimacy – getting to know each other that way. I would say, don’t pressure yourself to have intercourse the first night. Just enjoy being naked together, touching, etc. if that’s what feels comfortable to you. Taking that pressure off will help with the mental piece. Also, relaxation is key. It’s the same with childbirth. =) Tensing up causes pain. Have you read the book, “A Celebration of Sex”? They have a newlyweds version. It was very helpful to us…
Thank you for your thoughts…I definitely have some frustration that God hasn’t healed me of this condition. I have been praying for years and years and it just feels like those prayers hit a brick wall.
DH and I have started to read a devotional book and pray together every night, and we put some filters on our TV and internet. We have had two therapy sessions with a Christian counselor as well, and it’s slow going, but we like the counselor, so it’s a start.
Sexual activity is so difficult for us….our DS shares our bedroom in our current living situation, so we feel very uncomfortable being intimate with him in the room, of course. We are moving in two months and he’ll have his own room then. Also, I need to work on myself…I have a real aversion to oral sex and even using my hands to pleasure my husband. It just feels dirty to me. I know that biblically, it’s not – it’s just my own personal feeling from how I was taught growing up and from having a bad experience with a boyfriend in college – he and I went further than I wanted and I associate those kinds of pleasure with a lot of guilt from my past. =(
I will pray for that as well as that you find and read the “engaged couples” sectionof Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Lehman. Knowledge is the best way to knock your fears out of the park and his book will help you to feel prepared, not scared.
No guarantees that the first time won’t be painful but mine wasn’t so not everyone experiences discomfort.
Best of luck on a happy marriage full of great sex!
wow am happy for you, yes u sure will enjoy each other , get marital counselling at church and also read this book many pple on this page have advised others to read…make sure u read it as soon as you can before your wedding and with your DH….”Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman (order it on amazon.com)!I have just read the book after being married for 2yrs, I have had to learn many things after getting married and believe me , u dont want to go there…am glad u asked for some advice …read it !!!am wishin a nice wedding preparation and make sure u enjoy your day as much as u can!!God bless you both!!
I am engaged to be married in a few months and I am very frustrated. Due to financial circumstances my fiance and I are living together. Not something that I ever would have wanted but there is not much room in the matter. We have been receiving counseling from our church pastor and we have made it clear to sleep in separate beds and to keep from each other during certain hours. Things have become significantly better but the temptation does arise every now and then. We both feel remorseful if we interact anywhere past kissing with each other. I personally feel sick, disgusting, and unworthy before God because of this ( and a vow of purity made to God several years before). I want to be able to keep it together until we say I do because I know its spiritually, physically, and emotionally unhealthy for this to occur before God’s intended time.
Please pray for me as I cling onto the hem of the savior robe and try to take it one day at a time.
My DH of 2 years and I are hurting – more now than ever because of my low sex drive. I lived a life of sin before I married him (even sharing myself with him before we wed), but he claims that as soon as we married, I became disinterested in sex. We were married 3 months when we found out we were pregnant. Our son was born before our 1 year anniversary. I had a natural birth with mild tearing, and since then (last July), I’ve been terrified of getting pregnant again and have avoided sex and practically all other forms of intimacy.
Not to help this, since we married, my DH has put on about 20lbs, and I don’t find him as attractive. I want to want my husband again. I want to want sex again. When we do have sex, I’m either tired, I rush it, it’s tense or hurts, or I fear in the back of my head that I’m going to get pregnant again so soon. It’s tearing us apart and destroying his confidence. He’s even admitted that he’s stopped chasing me.
What can I do?! I don’t have Christian friends I feel I can discuss this with as he’s now a pastor and I don’t want to show others our struggle. Thank you.
I will be praying for guidence for you and your fiance, Gurisu. While reading your post I was reminded of a couple i know. They were living together when they both became christians and wanted to get married. What made it hard was that they each had kids from previous marriages and weren’t making much, but they wanted to set a good example and do things right. So after much prayer and council, she moved in with a widow lady at church and stayed with her until the wedding. Took the stress off of them. That may be a good solution for you both. Continue to pray and follow God’s leading.
I need your prayers and wisdom on how to proceed with my husband. I have finally put my foot down and told my husband that I will no longer go beyond the boundaries that God has given us concerning our marriage bed. I made the big mistake of going along with my husband’s wishes in the past both because I was not walking with the Lord then, and also to please my husband. Please understand that all the ‘spice’ ideas that are here on this blog is not enough for him. He wishes to parade me in lingerie or less out in swinger clubs and more although, he said he was willing to stop at dressing me up and going out. Now that I know my worth is more than that, and that I’m worthy of respect and not just an object for his sexual gratification, he is still iiving in the house but checked out of our relationship. He says he is willing to stick around till the kids are 18 and then move on with his life where he can be ‘happy’.
How shoud I respond? I don’t want to pursue him sexually because I feel like I would be cheapened. Plus, if he is not getting it here he could one day be getting it somewhere else and I do not want to pick up a disease. I have prayed and know that my marriage is ultimately in God’s hands. So far, my plan is to keep being the loving wife so that he could hopefully see what he is giving up. I do realize that he needs help but also know that only God can heal him and he does not want God in his life that much. 😦
Please pray for my fiance. He has been struggling for over a year now — closer to two — with what I am pretty sure is depression. It is taking its toll on both of us; he is to the point now where he doesn’t get up until he has to go to work [he works second-shift, which he hates]. He doesn’t sleep well at all, and hasn’t for like a year and a half. He has fallen far from exercising, which he used to love to do, and he barely eats but can’t lose weight. He has little interest in anything that he used to enjoy. Nothing seems to make him happy, or lift him up for long. He has no real friends; I am the only one he actually trusts and who he feels loves him. I know that these things make him miserable, but he is too down to take any action toward helping himself. For my part, I don’t know how to help him. I feel like however I respond, it will be the wrong thing and will just push him further down into this pit. He used to have a good relationship with God…but now he pretty much has no relationship with Him at all. I know he wants to change, but he lacks the motivation and drive and strength to do it. Negative thinking is suffocating him, and I just don’t know how to help. Each time I think he’s reached a turning point, things just get worse. And I know that that is probably Satan, just trying to keep him down, but I don’t know how to combat it. And he is too beaten down to do it. I pray…and I have been praying for a while now…I just don’t know what to DO. I try to be loving and understanding, but then sometimes my personal needs get in there too, and I am just so confused. Part of me wants to tell him to talk to someone, get on some medication…but then I’m not sure if maybe his struggles are all spiritual, and that all he really needs is to surrender to God. I just don’t know. I am so frustrated, so confused…so at a loss. Please pray for me…for him…just for God to intervene and do something.
Have you considered other medical causes? He could have a thyroid problem, from the sounds of it…
I encourage you to get him to a doctor to be evaluated. Even if he has some spiritual issues to deal with, he may need medication to help him get well enough to address those issues. Or it may not be a spiritual problem – it may be medical – hormonal, thyroid, etc. In my opinion, this has gone on too long to just hope that it will get better.
I actually hadn’t, simply because so much of it seems to point to depression. And he has a bit of a family history of depression, and he says that he thinks he’s struggled with it before. What kind of thyroid problem exactly? What would it cause?
It could be depression, maybe something else, Or it could be neither. But since you asked, indicators of hyperthyroidism include nervousness, irritability, hand tremors, anxiety, and weight loss.
On the other hand, hypothyroidism symptoms include poor muscle tone, fatigue, depression, constipation, rapid thoughts, paleness, as well as weight gain and water retention.
I can’t determine what your fiance’ is dealing with, but I do encourage you to have him look into it and get some support.
I would really appreciate prayer for me and my husband! we just recently got married and both were virgins before we got married. we were both really excited to get to know each other on a more physical lever and our expectations for how that would be were way to high. i was expecting sex every night and for him to really pursue me. but it didn’t happen like that at all. my husband suffers from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and because of this you can have a low sex drive. This has been a real frustration and stress on our marriage. I have a pretty high sex drive and want it a lot more them him. And when he doesn’t feel like it i feel like i am doing something wrong and that he doesn’t desire me. I feel unloved and unwanted. I know this is not the case because it is a medical condition and i want to support him in this but i can help feeling frustrated. i know it will get better in time as he seeks help but its hard to be patient and feel desirable when we is never in the mood! it is really taking a toll on my self esteem and i feel like i am failing him as a wife.
Need Help, I just prayed for you and your husband. My husband had erectile dysfunction on our honeymoon at age 20, so I more than understand.
When I was 11 years old, I was raped by my father. Now that I am 34 and very happily married, I have terrible flashbacks during intercourse with my husband to the point where we either have to stop or I will myself to continue…if even for a little while longer. I am hurting very badly. Please pray for my total healing in this area. God bless you.
The worst abuse, I’ve heard, is when a father or grandfather rapes a child. My grandfather raped me at 5 years old. Counseling used to takes years, but I’ve found that God is in the business of instant healing of all disease, injury, abuse and mental illness. It took me 6 weeks for the memory, horror and recovery to come. My prayer for you is for instant healing of your spirit, soul, body and memory. I thank God for restoring the years of stress this has caused you and for you to be blessed beyond comprehension. You are a precious daughter of the Most High.
This means a whole lot to me. I really receive that. Thank you so much. The Lord bless you.
Needhelp, I have been in your situation and it’s heartbreaking. If your husband is willing, please seek couples counseling because it might not get better on it’s own. I’ve hated my husband at times because of his lack of sexual interest in me. I felt so unwanted and hurt.
Please pray Israel PM BENJAMIN NETANYAHU, that God’s Will be done in his life, God will protect him and his family and bless him.
Carol
I just moved to a different/foreign country (my dh’s home country) and I am also having our first child in 6 weeks. Please pray for our adjustment and for me to be gracious and open to my new culture (and the same for my dh).
I am afraid I might be pregnant. I say afraid because of my age (43), pregnancy problems I have had in the past (severe almost suidical depression during pregnancy) and a miscarriage that I nearly died from. While I understand life is a blessing from God, I am so scared at the thought that I can hardly function. It feels sinful to say pray that I am not pregnant, but that is what I feel. I feel ashamed that I allowed “whatever happens” unprotected sex when I think I knew my heart all along. I also need prayers that my husband and I would finally commit to some form of permanent birth control and be happy with our one lovely, healthy child.
praying for you. dont feel ashamed; God knows your heart–and God’s got you.
I could use prayer. My DH and I have been married for about 15 months now. We had sex before marriage (but were trying not to), but since we’ve been married, we will go 2-3 months without having sex. My DH says his sex drive is just low and he still thinks I’m attractive. This was something I could work with. Then a few months ago, he told me that my weight gain since our wedding day was the reason and I do not fit the standard of “thicker women” that he finds attractive and that maybe I should dye my hair and dress more provocatively and it would help. (It didn’t. This was 2 months ago and we still haven’t had sex.) Now I have found out that he has been looking at porn and contacting people from personal ads about rendezvous (but claims that nothing ever happened-and i think I believe him). We have had multiple discussions the past few days about this and he is willing to go to counseling and to seek help. I am concerned because I break down and cry all the time now (this is EXTREMELY abnormal for me) and everything I do has the words of “I’m fat” or “I’m unattractive” or “I don’t fit the standard” running through my head. I also continuously have thoughts that I am just not enough, and why would I want to stay in a marriage where my husband doesn’t find me attractive and doesn’t want to have sex with me.
I am in the process of finding us a christian marriage counselor to see, but these thoughts keep hurting me more and more. I am worried it won’t get better and am close to my breaking point. I am so depressed at this point that I have to force myself to go in public (grocery shopping, school shopping, anything) because I feel so unattractive because the one person who is supposed to love me for who I am, cannot for some reason. (I am about average size and weight for a woman my height, maybe a little more, but not much). Please pray that God can take these thoughts from my head and that healing can start. I really do love my husband completely, but this pain is becoming unbearable.
I’m so sorry to here about your struggles right now I will pray for you. I’m sure right now you are just crushed that the one person you trust has completely hurt you! I will pray that you can find a counselor quickly I wonder if you went a couple of session with just you first would help? Anyways I will pray for you! Let us know how you are doing! I would love to hear!
My dh needs prayer. He’s going thru mid-life (his admission). I think he’s overwhelmed with the new job, change of location, work needing to be done on the house in preparation for sale, surprise expenses, being suddenly empty nesters, etc. I wish I knew how to help him but all I know to do is pray and speak when I feel led. Actually, please pray for us both. Thanks.
Speaking as a psychologist, I would recommend that your husband finds out a good Cognitive Behaviour Therapist (CBT) in your area. CBT has a good evidence-base of recovery for PTSD.
I am 23 and my husband is 29, and we are both Christians. I was a virgin when we married; he was not. He loves the Lord but is far more “liberal” than I am, and sees no problem in watching porn to “rub one out” for a few minutes (he swears it means nothing and is a matter of expediency). This is a side issue that we have discussed, and while I believe it is wrong and unnecessary (umm, hello? I’m open to him every night!), he has totally disregarded my feelings on the subject and says my insecurities are what will wind up causing problems between us. I say this is a side issue, because I am resigned to it at the moment, and have another pressing matter to discuss presently.
Recently, friends of his have suggested that we go out with them to a strip club to hang out, and he sees absolutely no problem with it. He acts like the fact that it’s a strip club is irrelevant, and says they tend to have nicer facilities and better staff, etc. How can I explain to him why this is outrageous behavior for a married man and a Christian? I get tounge-tied whenever we have a confrontation like this, because he always demands my reasoning, and I have trouble oftentimes putting my thoughts into verbal form. Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
My prayers are out every night for those struggling in their marriage and ask for your love and prayers in mine.
BuEliMK, congratulations and all God’s
Blessings on your wedding.
Concerning what you said about having pains,
Well I had my share of that for the first
2yrs of my marriage. I also searched
The internet and read about how painful
It can be and I allowed my mind to believe
That everytime and it was creating
Lots of frustrating in my marriage.
But my gyno told me that our brain is
The most powerful sex organ and that I needed
To prepare my mind and just forget
About the pain, I hate pain and before
Intimacy I would be full of fear because
I knew I was about the feel pain. You know
I did just that and I’ve been pain free
For more than a year now.
So don’t allow what u read to instill fear
Remember, God has not given us a spirit
Of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.
prayer for my husband and I,will become lovers again
I need prayers for healing in my marriage–that I can be everything he wants and needs.
Please pray for my marriage we have been married less than a year and i feel there is no hope. i cant deal with his sexual past as i remained a virgin till i met him. i am jealous and angry and betrayed and heartbroken only God can heal me it will take a miracle as i see no other way out. it is affecting how i treat him and he is getting upset i resent him and feel as if i wish i had not married him. i believe all things are possible with God. I need your prayer.
Lilly, I am praying for you. My husband’s sexual past is a huge struggle area for me also, it is not uncommon. It causes lots of arguments and insecurity on my part, but the worst thing we could do is let the past ruin our present and future. Your husband is made anew in Christ and is a gift to you from God, don’t reject that gift. This is how I am learning to look at my husband and love him. I serve him because in doing so I am serving God. I trust God gave me him as a spouse so I could grow, He has done the same in giving you your husband. Everyone has a past, some are deemed worse than others, but no matter what you can love that person. You have a unique opportunity to love your husband like he has never been loved before, both emotionally and sexually. He is yours now, and he has never belonged to anyone but you in a very special way. Praying for healing , confidence, growth and that your marriage would become stronger because of this struggle.
I will pray for you. It sounds like you may need some help to work through this.Did your husband hide his sexual past from you until after you were married? Can you talk with a Christian counselor or perhaps the pastor who married you?
Please pray for my DH & i, we have been married for just under 3 months (both virgins on our wedding night) & sex has gotten so predictable, he’s not as interested in it as i am. it can get very frustrating, usually he’ll roll over & be like “how tired are you?” and thats it, he just jumps right into it. I’m the adventurous type & willing to do it anywhere anytime & he seems like he could care less. When i’m going to him for it i have to practically beg him & if he does give in he just says “fine i guess i can make you happy”. We have no other issues than this, we have a WONDERFUL relationship. I don’t know if i need to just bring this subject up & talk to him about it, i wonder if he doesn’t even realize whats going on…………….Thanks
So sorry that you are having this difficulty. I encourage you to pray and then to talk to your husband. You have to be able to communicate with him in order to resolve the problems you are having. Lots of things can get in the way of a couple having a satisfying sex life together, so you will need to figure out what’s getting in the way for the two of you and try different things to work it out. This site, The Marriage Bed, The Generous Wife, The Generous Husband, and Intimacy in Marriage are good online resources. Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman is a good book.
Hullo everyone, i would like to seek your advice and also request for a prayer for my marriage of 2years. Last year, i dealt with finding out my hubby was spending most time watching porn on his phone and mac book. We had a talk which ended up in a heated conversation with him losing his temper and getting very defensive. he said he would stop watching it. has he stopped? i would love to believe his word. Is he addicted? i dont know… does he masturbate? yes he does. does he masturbate more than we ML? Of course, he does coz he is not sleeping with me, Does he prefer this to ML? am guessing so, at this point.
Our sex life has been decreasing and i have tried talking to him and he wont budge, wont go for counselling , he says he has no problems. He is a great man, we had sex all day when we were dating and even after but now, his flaws are just turning me off at this point. No sex and then no discussion about the realities in our marriage, never listens or even wont talk back when it comes to discussing our problems. I am a christian and even though, am not perfect- this has put me in a very bad place- i have a high sex drive, not good at masturbation (raised in a culture that goes against it), well am trying to get to learn how my body responds but even if i tried it …my fantasy would not be with my husband coz in the most recent months – sadly, i would be tempted now to look at porn to get a good orgasm , our ML is more of routine to him, he wont try what i want …jeez and i have never been in a situation like this before.. …i have almost felt like packing and walking out …truth is I cant last in a marriage like this because i would be more tempted to cheat , sex is a gift from God i have always loved and will always enjoy with the right person…
I am planning to get him into counselling without telling him, he will just be led in “blindfolded” (kind of trick him into getting there), but i need to get us see a counsellor..our marriage is suffering and especially the “nympho” is being punished. Who would be better a church counsellor or a sex therapist? or even better a christian sex therapist? anyone know one in arlington, texas?
Please pray for me as I, for the first time, am trusting God in getting to know a really good man and considering the possibility of marriage. I just am so scared about sex after being sexually abused by the men in my family as well as neighbors being involved – not necessarily rape, but because intercourse is so invasive, it seems like emotional death and because of the physical pain I imagine as well, it will also feel like death physically. The first time I got a PAP I felt so dirty, ashamed, and disgusting, and it was extremely painful. I felt like I had been penetrated by a truck, literally. I told my mom that, but she just said that she knows it’s a bit uncomfortable. She didn’t realize all the abuse I had undergone leading up to how emotionally hard it was for me, and therefore didn’t consider it an issue at all. I have been blessed to get counseling while in college, but now that I can’t afford it, I feel really alone in this. I’m just really nervous about even considering marriage because of the sexual relationship. At the same time, I have a high sex drive and get turned on really easily ever since I was first turned on when I was about 2 years old. I used to be addicted to masturbation and would do all kinds of things, even hurting myself some times because I thought I deserved pain. Thankfully, God has been gracious to give me freedom from that addiction at least physically with the help of counselors, friends, and a 12-step group. As far as I know, I am a virgin, but that makes me feel so ashamed as well because I feel inexperienced except for the bad side of sex. So anyway, please pray for God’s healing in my life and heart and that I will first trust Him for grace in this time, face my fears head-on, and be able to trust my future spouse (whether the man I’m currently dating is the one or not – I think he probably is – which scares me!). It’s hard not to believe the lie that I deserve to be raped, in pain, and abused sexually, and that that is the only option for someone like me. No wonder I’m scared, right? I need prayer!!! Thank you.
I know you feel at the end of your rope, but I would really not recommend blindsiding him into counselling. If he doesn’t choose to be there, it will not be beneficial for either of you. Don’t get me wrong. I agree you have a serious problem that needs to be dealt with, but I would encourage you to prayerfully consider another way. I would suggest that you be more honest with him. He mustn’t realize how serious it is to you so somehow you need to communicate that you are feeling the need for separation unless he takes the problems more seriously.
hullo cinnamonsticks thanks for your response ..yes i am praying to God for another way out..i have tried talking and its not working and he seems to be very distant ..am just gonna focus on work and studies now , and pray to God to help us pull through….and i will not blindside him into something he does not want.. I am very private; but do not have a choice now … i will try and talk to a counsellor at church and figure out how to deal with such a problem in marriage …have a blessed week and may God continously bless u in your marriage – at least not everyone is going through what am going through and i pay no one does – it s a hard place to be!!
Hello, please pray for me. We have been sick in our house for a month now (colds, bronchitis etc) parents and kids alike. Obviously a sex killer! Now we are mostly well, but I have NO desire. I’d really rather read and go to sleep. I think it’s just sickness and caring for everyone has worn me out. Pray that I would return to being in the mood and ready for great sex!
please pray for me I most of the time have to think of a woman to climax when im having sex with my husband I know that is sooooo wrong please pray for us. thank you
I will keep you in my prayers I KNOW WHAT your going through have as many trusted people you can pray for him dont give up God bless you
I cried when I read your post. You were created for your heavenly Father’s pleasure. Not to be abused by the selfishness of others. The gifts and talents you have were given to you from Him to put a smile on His face and to bring Him glory. You deserve to love yourself the way God loves you. Through tough times He will bring greatness out of them. Your testimony will help many. Remember who you are and who’s you are. You are the daughter to the most high King of king’s. Jeremiah 29:11 say’s “For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans for good not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Translated into the Greek it says “For I know the purpose I have designed you for…” You did not deserve the treatment you were given or the anxiety that you still carry. Your purpose is great and God will see you through His great design for your life He has laid out and He will strengthen you physically and give you courage and wisdon to carry out the rest of His design! You are loved with an everlasting love! May His favor be upon you all of your days! Praying for you : )
Hi ladies, need some prayer and agreement. My husband is addicted to porn, but will not admit it. He comes clean when I catch him, and that has happened several times, resulting in week-long arguments. I’m struggling with anger and lies from the enemy that this is my fault. I don’t know where else to turn, as the influences in my life say that porn for men is “perfectly fine”.
Hi Kaitlee, i read your post (wrote my post on October 20, 2011)and knew how u are feeling , am going through a ” similar situation” – neglect, abandonment and lies.Well this builds anger, resentment and you wont trust your hubby as much since he wont tell the truth. i have cried and felt like walking out of my marriage. first what you should realize is that this is not your fault, he has his “own” problem as a person and unfortunately this is a problem that comes and shares the marital bed with u and him. i know the pain and would never wish anyone to walk down my path ….I hold you and hubby in my prayers. Do u have a christian friend you can trust / pastor and tell them what is going on? Just so, u get it off your chest… then once that is done. Get yourself some healing for the hurt you are going through…and keep praying for your hubby.
Does he at least listen to what you have to tell him? if he does, ask him to go with you for counselling to the pastor/ a counsellor… explain to him this is for both of you while u still can ..mine wont budge, so am praying he is not as stubborn and listens and at least agrees to go for marital counselling.keep praying and i have read many stories about how porn has destroyed marriages …check out http://www.marriagemissions.com/category/pornography-and-cybersex/ …u will learn a lot about what porn does and understand from the different testimonies why people do, how it affects them without them realizing plus encouraging stories of how prayers & God can make miracles happen!! Some people have watched porn and not gotten addicted but majority are hooked by default.i have learnt a lot on that site and have come to terms with the fact that it has nothing to do with any lady or spouse if their partner has a problem with porn.
it is a tough journey living with someone like that but am praying at least he can change before its too late.i will be praying for you!!may god give you the strength and call out to him, and get a team of prayer partners!!
Hi how are you.. I need prayer 4 my life & alot of failing situations that are going on, first is my school & work situation im tryin 2 get my life together & on point & everything that i want 2 do right & good 4 myself is messing up, i need prayer thats doord will open & my school, my grant & credits will go threw so i will be able 2 start school 4 january in the winter term & that doors & healing will begin 2 open already 4 my mother & myself that money will begin 2 flow our way & we can get the help that we need 4 paying off our bills & debt & that we will have prosperity & abundance in every area in our lifes.. That god will begin 2 change & touch our lives & takes out of the situation that were in & that we will see better greater days ahead & we will have life..
I love my husband, but we don’t go do things together much because he has limited interests. I wish for some Christian friends, but it’s difficult for me to make friends. I am socially awkward and can’t seem to connect with any women at Church. I am praying that God will bless me with a Christian friend.
I really need some help, so please pray for me! When we first got married, my husband told me that he wasn’t in love with me (like… really “in love”… as he put it) and he also told me that I wasn’t his “dream-girl”. The reason he said it in the first place was because I asked him if I made him happy and if I was what he wanted (stupid naïve newlywed 18 year old girl I was). Later he was sorry he said it when he realized how much it hurt me. He is always thinking very black/white and logical, and he did not expect feeling to be that important to me. He didn’t have much experience with women before we got married. 22 painful years has passed since then. I never stopped loving him and I always desired him. But that only made the pain even deeper. I don’t think he ever cheated on me for real, but he is often dreaming about other women. He likes petit skinny girls, and I never was petit. Not even when we first got together, so he knew that. I did not know that this was his preference until after we were married, and that makes me feel betrayed. I was a chubby teenager and he approached me, so I was naturally thinking he was fine with that. A couple of years ago, he admitted to me, that he only married me because I was “available”… as he put it. He was shy and a little geeky (part of his charm I was thinking at the time). And he had a hard time getting close to the girls he really wanted. I was his best friend and he then asked me to marry him… because it was the easy choice (at the time). I committed 110%. He never did. And that has always been very heartbreaking for me to live with. Now, after 22 years, I am about to give up. I feel drained, dried out, frozen and broken – and my heart has been broken so many times over and over and over again… I am not even sure I really love him anymore. I know love is as much a choice as it is a feeling, and I have always made that choice – even when he was most cold and indifferent to me. But I have no more energy. No more love to give. It feels like I have been slowly dying inside for 22 years! I like sex, and I have a fairly healthy sex-drive. But he has no interest in me at all. At most once every month or less. Sometimes 3-4 months in between. If it were up to me, we would have sex a couple of times a week. He only has sex with me when his needs are so serious that he can’t ignore them. And when we have sex, he is not concerned how it feels to me or what I get out of it. Most of the time I get nothing from it, and this is the way it has been for all the years we have been married. I get an orgasm very easy (when I am alone), but I can’t with him anymore. I will do just about anything for him sexually, but he has no desire to try to please me back. My needs are simply not his concern. I always spend the nights crying myself to sleep after we had sex. I want him, and I want to please him and make him happy, but at the same time, I feel so used. I am going absolutely crazy. I was at one point thinking of having an affair, God forgive me, just to let some steam out. But I can’t. It is not the way I do things. I committed to this man when we married and I always kept that commitment holy. Also, he has told me many times when I was complaining that I was painfully lonely and deeply unsatisfied, that I would never find another man who would treat me better than he has. Maybe it is true. He has been with me for so many years even thou he doesn’t love me and doesn’t desire me. I have even had very painful plastic surgery twice to change the way I look to please him, but that did not help at all. I have been starving myself for many years to become slim, but when I was actually getting pretty thin, I found out he was hot for a girl that was so skinny and tiny… something totally out of my reach. I got so depressed I gained weight very fast and I never again was able to get it off. I will always be a little fat and he will always want something else than me. We are stuck here in married prison… so it feels. Please pray for me! Brothers and sisters in Christ, please pray for me. I can’t live this life any more…
(PLEASE don’t delete this because it is too long. I need help so much!!)
I will be praying for you, I can relate. My hubby and I don’t share many interests so friends are of great importance to me. I am shy, but not terribly and I am blessed by the women’s ministry in my church. I pray you and your hubby can find some wonderful interests to share, there’s something special about hanging out with the hubby 🙂 But I also pray you find at least one or two Christian ladies you are comfortable with and can have fun and fellowship with.
Louisa,
I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. My heart broke for you as I read your post. I will pray for you…that God will move in amazing ways, and heal your shattered heart…and your marriage.
God, please come into this situation. You know Louisa’s heart, her desires, her aches, her fears. Please comfort her; fill her with the assurance of your love. Give her peace and strength and courage…help her to rely on you, to trust you, to seek you. Please heal the wounds that have been inflicted upon her for so long…give her eyes to see herself as you see her. Fill her with your Spirit and make her new. And please, please help with her marriage. Soften her husband’s heart, and open his eyes to the way he has been treating her. Stir a repentant spirit in him; move in him to make any necessary changes. Draw him to you, and show him how to truly love his wife. Give him eyes to see her as you see her, and just…turn his heart toward her. May he fall in love with her for the beautiful person she is…and just…make this beautiful and new. Work your power here, God, as only you can. Come, Spirit…bring life and beauty and hope to what seems like a hopeless situation. In Jesus’ name.
Louisa, just before finding CN I came accross an excerpt that uplifted me, I hope and pray it will do likewise for you and my other christian sisters, my prayers are with you…
Give That Woman a Thousand Roses
Over here is a woman married to a man. She is a Christian. She struggles in so many ways. Often she feels forgotten and neglected. She rarely gets the attention she deserves. Sometimes she thinks nobody cares. In desperate moments she wishes she had never gotten married. She is sometimes angry, sometimes depressed, and sometimes she just wants to give up. She is not a Total Woman. But in her heart there is a goal. It is the bottom line of her life. She wants to live with one man and only one. She wants to be faithful to him to the end.
In a thousand ways, she fails. But she never gives up. She lives with her husband for over 50 years. Through good times and bad, through laughter and tears, through poverty and riches, through great victories and bitter defeats, she stands by her man. And when her life is over she can say, “By God’s grace I did it. I stuck with him all the way.”
Give that woman a thousand roses. Put a crown on her head. All rise as Her Majesty enters the room. Gaze at her beauty. Let the choir sing, let the band play. See her husband smiling by her side. She failed so many times … but in the end she was a winner. She was faithful to her husband. A one-man woman. In a world where anything goes, she stood against the tide. She is more beautiful in the end than in the beginning.
And from the distance a mighty voice rolls like thunder, the sound fills the sky … “Well done, good and faithful servants. Enter into the joy of the Lord!”
That’s what I want to hear someday. That’s what’s ahead for you and me if we will stay faithful.
Who is the true hero? It is the man or woman who stays faithful to the end, who by God’s grace stays clean in a very dirty world.
THANK YOU! God bless you for your kindness!
My heart was breaking for you as I read, I was literally brought to tears. I can sort of relate, but I have only been married a few years.
What I do know is that God will reward your faithfulness. your faithfulness is inspiring. I pray your hubby realize what he is doing to you and start to change and love you for who you are and see what a ruby of a woman he has. I also pray that God would be enough for you right now, through all of this. Please find a wonderful group of christian women to be encouraged by and confide in. Please encourage your hubby to get involved with a great men’s ministry and see if he would be willing to go see a Christian counselor. I really think that and prayer may be huge helps.
I’m struggling with being jealous of a former “friend”. She actually was kind of critical when we were friends. Both of us have struggled financially and in our relationships with our husbands. I recently found out she has a nice house and they are seemingly doing well. I know it should not bother me, or even be any of my business, but it sort of hurts that God has blessed her in that way and not me.
Please pray that God will lead us to a Godly counselor who can really get to the bottom of our sexual disfunction. If anyone has a referrall in the Seattle Wa area please let me know.
From our wedding night on, I’ve been compared to my husband’s former girlfriend/lover, and emotionally abused. All through our relationship, he’s texted and IM’d his old lover, telling her I’m so awful and he misses her; but assures me he truly loves me and doesn’t care for her. It’s an emotional affair that he refuses to give up. I’ve spent three and a half years trying to keep a smile on my face, be a good wife, pray for my husband, be a good mother, but it is catching up with me and I’m so tired. At the beginning of the year, I temporarily left him for six weeks (as recommended by our concerned pastor and my family) as a “wake-up call” to open my husband’s eyes. We began counseling, but our counselor ended things before the problems were even resolved, so I’m back on my own. My husband promised to change, and did work on his anger problems. But now he is texting the other woman again, and insists it’s not “talking”, it’s simply “texting” so what’s the big deal? Either he doesn’t realize that he’s hurting me, or doesn’t care enough to end the emotional affair.
I have a very high sex drive; his is nearly non-existent. He tells me I’m abnormal, that he had sex literally hundreds of times with the other woman before we married (sadly, it is true) so he doesn’t need it anymore, and has a long list of reasons/excuses why he doesn’t want to have sex. I’m young and creative, and have worked hard to try to interest my husband sexually, but he still doesn’t desire me often. It makes me feel worthless. Other men think I’m quite attractive and have tried to woo me, but I’ve ignored their advances because I’m a one-man woman for life. Please, pray for us. Pray that my eyes won’t wander. Pray that I can keep the love for my spouse when I feel nothing. Pray that he will decide to focus on what he *has*, not what he had with his unsaved girlfriend.
Angel, right now I feel like I could bundle you up in my arms and give you a special hug from the Lord. God will surely bless your faithfulness (look in my post further up above). I too know what it is to have to share my husbands affections with an outsider. You and your husband will be in my prayers. ((HUGS))
How can a husband say he loves you and keeps going texting with another woman (especially his old girlfriend!). The way he acts, helps his heart to wander towards adulterous paths (see Matthew 5:28: “But I say unto you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart “).
It’s time to have a serious talk with him and be firm with your righteous expectations. No compromise there: it’s either you or someone else but not both. But there’s one thing I’m sure also, you should make compromises with him about having sex with you. He does not want anymore (so he says)? But if he really loves you, he should still service you regularly with a spirit of tenderness and compassion, for your own sanity and the wholeness it creates between you two.
I shall pray for you to persevere in what is right to do and also for your husband for the Lord to soften his heart and open his eyes towards you.
I have been married for over 8 months now and have not had penetrative sex,my hymen is still intact cuz I am so scared of the pain when my husband tries to penetrate.pls I need your advice and prayers.
I really feel for you, I have struggled with this in the past. I just plain didn’t know enough when I got married! =) Have you read, “A Celebration of Sex”? It’s a wonderful Christian book with all kinds of advice. Also, I would recommend purchasing a set of dildoes. These are what my pelvic floor physical therapist recommended to help me when I was having pain due to a medical condition. They are a set of graduated plastic tubes with tapered ends that you can gently insert, yourself, with lots of lubrication, until you feel comfortable. They start very small, almost like a tampon, and get gradually larger. Also, I would recommend your hubby experimenting with fingers…what helped me a lot was when we declared a moratorium on actual intercourse, so I wasn’t worried about it, and it freed my mind to allow a lot of other kinds of intimate contact. Hope that’s helpful!
Please go and see your gynecologist right away. She/he can help you address this problem. If she/he doesn’t help you address the problem, find another doctor. It’s possible that you might need a minor surgical procedure, but maybe not. There are other ways to address this problem, such as using dilators. I realize that this is a very distressing problem in many ways – I think you need to move forward assertively on addressing it, even if that seems scary.
Hey, hon. No other way to say it, but the first time he penetrates you will be painful. I would strongly suggest you share your fears with him.
It was painful on our wedding night as well. I felt terrible, but my husband supported me in the whole thing. A week later, it was successful :).
Praying, hon!
After 10 years of marriage and 3 kids, our sex life has become boring for my husband. He wants to to try new things and I am willing except for anal sex. At the moment I have no interest in trying it. This has become a big deal for him and he is in a permanent bad mood because of it. I have read many books and websites (both Christian and non) and all say that if I am not ready then he should be willing to wait until I am. Some advice has told me to just do it and get it over with and then everything will be fine. I don’t believe that will be the case if I am forced into it, I think it will cause more problems if I feel pressured. I feel like he is constantly punishing me for this with his bad moods and actually am starting to believe that I can’t continue like this and we should just split up. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Hold your horses sister! Split up? Over a sex position? This shouldn’t be a thought for you or your hubby. Honestly, I agree that if you are forced you won’t be having much fun and may even become upset with your hubby and I also feel he should be patient with you. There are plenty of other interesting sexual positions to utilize, so there’s no need to allow boredom to creep in and frustrate either of you, especially him. I’m not taking sides, but I see where you both are coming from.
You’re hubby is like most men and wants to try new things, be thankful he wants to try them with you alone and please be open to trying what he wants to. At least if you try he can’t be upset anymore that you weren’t willing to try it. If you find you don’t like it at all, tell him and he should be understanding or it could be one of those things you compromise on from time to time.
I can tell you from experience, it is not that bad, it gets easier and less painful and more enjoyable the more you do it.
I pray you both will be more considerate of the other and open to one anothers’ needs, wants and limitations.
I’m so sorry you are going thru this! I read this to my husband who immediately thought your husbands actions were very hurtful to you! You can’t expect someone to always enjoy what you do and we both feel he should respect that. However I wonder if he had approached the subject with a more caring attitude to your feelings he would of had a more positive response from you. I have to admit I was the one who wanted to try anal with my husband. He was totally open to it but I’m not sure how I would have felt had he not been open I probably would have felt hurt or rejected maybe. I would not have probably been in the future as likely to share my feelings on things. Maybe your husband feels these things I’m not sure how you took his asking you to try it or if he handled it right but I wonder if maybe you approached it by telling him your just not sure he would give you more time. You might not ever like it but maybe if he gave you time you could get the nerve to try it. I must say we don’t have actual anal sex often but anal play(fingers, butt plug, ect sorry if that is too graphic!) is very common in our sex life and I love it maybe you could start with that and he would at least think you are trying to please him but only if you feel comfortable! Hope this helps good luck!
Wow. I’m so surprised by the comments on your plight, Caris, that I feel compelled to respond as well. I understand that some couples enjoy anal sex or anal play but I, like you, have a strong negative reaction to that particular sex act. You shouldn’t feel forced to try it out to confirm that you don’t want to do it. It’s very unfortunate that your husband is behaving the way he is; he sounds immature to me. This may be trite advice, but have you considered counselling? This shouldn’t be something you have to split up over, yet at what point does his punitive behaviour become emotional abuse? Don’t let anyone abuse you.
Thanks for replying, both of you. I admit I was in very sad place when I wrote the note and I see now that thinking about splitting was not what I actually want to do. Thank goodness for outlets like this where you say what you feel without doing something drastic. I agree with both of you that I need to be more open to him and try things slowly and I think that is probably all he wants. I think that my big fear is that when I try stuff, it will eventually lead to things that are morally wrong or offensive due to the fact that he is not a christian.
Hey ladies…I am getting married in just over 13 hours! Please pray that God is glorified…and that we build our marriage on Him. And…that the wedding night is beautiful, and that we just start our marriage off on the right foot with everything. =)
I am not attracted to my husband. He doesn’t turn me on. I think it’s mostly my fault because the type of men I’m attracted to are bad guys, dangerous or unattainable. He is none of those things. He’s an amazing man and he’s handsome. We want to fix it. Please pray for us.
I am struggling with insecurities, again. And I don’t think that it’s without cause. My husband has struggled with porn. Though he feels its not a struggle because the human body is beautiful yadda yadda yadda. He can go months without viewing it. We have a strong relationship otherwise. We workout together and are planning on taking a class this weekend and he ask me last night “why dont you invite your friend ‘a woman’ to go with us? I get on the defensive. Am I being overly sensitive? She is not married and and they hardly no each other. yet, it feels wrong in my gut. I just want to be free of anxiety. Early in our marriage he had an affair that was way more complicated and involved drugs. We have come along way by the grace of God. I just am so tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. He actually said to me a few weeks ago that he would like for me to be more dressed up when he comes home. I have no problem with that. but he means decked out. I wear makeup everyday and raise 5 children and someitmes I am still in workout clothes. the morning after he said this he said forget what i said I was being a jerk. But i know he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. I can’t be good enough. God knows I’m not perfect. I just want him to love who God created me to be. I like to be good and enjoy pleasing my heavenly Father. Prayers are appreciated.
You know how Christian wives often have to make an effort to get in touch with their “inner bad girl,” because their husbands need them to engage in a more frequent and interesting sex life? I think that sometimes Christian husbands need to do something similar and get in touch with their “inner bad boy.” Our culture, including the church and Christian culture, pushes men to emphasize their beta male characteristics (good father, provider, nurturer) and de-emphasize their alpha male characteristics (strength, sexuality, masculinity). But, the alpha characteristics are what turn a lot of women on! So, most of us don’t really want to be married to a bad boy, we just want to be attracted to one and sleep with him (but, of course, it needs to be the guy we married!) So maybe your husband can work on strengthening his alpha qualities – like being more sexually assertive, sending you sexy texts during the day, being physically sexual with you outside the bedroom, taking leadership on some things in your family and marriage, doing some “guy” things without you or the family, etc. My husband has been doing some of those kinds of things, because I really needed that from him. He is a very beta kind of guy, but he is trying some things because I need some alpha stimulation. For my part I am trying to be sure to respond positively to what he does and am letting him take the lead in some areas where I would normally jump in. So, it’s helping and we’re continuing to try new things. A sexy text or a little dirty talk from a “nice guy” husband can really have a positive effect on a girl’s libido! Just remember – a bad boy is not as easy to control as a nice guy, so you have to be prepared to respond in a positive way if he tries some new things that are very different from his normal way of interacting with you.
For many years in my marriage I was a refusser. I was living with a low sex drive. About 9 months ago I had a sexual awaking and my husband and I shared a mutual sexual drive and it brought us closer in so many other areas of life. It seems now that my husband has had his fill of me and can go several weeks without intimacy and I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if it’s payback time of it this is just some natural fluctuation of a “normal” sex drive. I don’t think he would maliciously refuse me maybe more unconsciously. But it is still hurting non the less. I feel my sex driving diminishing the longer I go and I don’t want to let what we have slip away… Please pray for us.
Hi-
I am the woman who wrote you in January about the temper, violence and verbal abuse in my marriage. I filed for divorce April 8th. You were very wise telling me I might need a restraining order, and I have been too trusting and naïve. A week before Thanksgiving, I told my stbx husband that I would get a restraining order against him unless he moves with his next paycheck. I was a fool to tell him that, because he must have spent the next couple of weeks planning how to set me up. I do not know if he was on those father’s rights websites, or where he got his ideas.. but after months of me telling psychologists, pastors and friends about the abuse he was causing in our marriage, he pretended that HE was actually afraid of me and filed a domestic violence report against me. The police came and said there was no criminal activity, as yelling is not a crime. A few days later, I told him that I had an appointment with an attorney to get a restraining order against him the next day… and that he should tell me what he wants in a parenting agreement as to what days he wants to see the children, etc. and that he should call some friends and find a place to live. I even offered him $1200 of borrowed money to get an apartment as it was near the first of the month. I inherited the money for our tiny house and purchased the house with inherited separate assets from my parents, so it is MY house, not his. What he did that evening after I slept was incredible. He took the children out of their beds, he left their bedroom window wide open so it looked like it could have been a kidnapping. He did not leave a note saying the kids are safe or that he has them. I awoke at 2 am to find my kids gone. I had no idea if they were alive or dead. I called the police. The whole night was horrible. I started calling friends of his and asked if he and my kids were at their house. One of them mentioned that the stbx husband said something about a hotel. But, they would not give me the name of the hotel. Then at 8 in the morning, I answered the door to a policeman and asked if he found my kids. Instead he gave me a restraining order, with my husband claiming he was afraid that I might hurt him. I had ten minutes to leave my house. My stbx husband got a restraining order against me, because I was nice to him and gave him warning that I would get one against him. Although, I was not going to prevent him from seeing the kids, because even though he has been violent in the past, he had gotten some anger management therapy and had improved some… and I had felt that it was best for the kids to maintain their relationship with their father. But, rather than have to find a place to live.. my stbx husband took my kids and my house from me for most of the month of December. He restrained me from seeing my kids more than 6 hours a week, supervised only, even though I had never threatened the kids in any way. He even included the cat in the restraining order… I must stay 150 yards away from the cat. This man is so angry that I am divorcing him that he is being terribly punitive, and he clearly does not care if it hurts our young children to have their mother prevented from seeing them .. he will do anything in order to try to look like the good parent in this divorce.. and make the children think I have abandoned them… It is terrible. I have no idea how to forgive him for this. I also am so terribly hurt that I cannot comfort my own children. I am sure he hopes to allege that I am mentally unstable and try to get full or more custody of the kids. I believe he thinks if he can get the kids, I will come back to him with my hat in hand…and stay with him even though I do not want to, just to be with my children. So now he is trying to establish a case that I am crazy. All of our friends know I am not crazy. He is losing his very closest friends because they see what he did to the children, taking their mom away for no reason except his bogus charges. The kids are in the middle. It is unfair. Anyone who knows what would be appropriate to say to the kids, I would appreciate your advice. They are 7 and 9 years old. I do have an attorney, and I did file a TRO against him, but the judge will consider both his and my TRO requests together, on December 20th. Until then, I am also restrained from the elementary school, and the kid’s Christmas programs. This man will do anything to try and control me. Please pray for my children. I hope the judge gives him a move out order on the 20th, because if he does not, then I may be living with him until June when the divorce will be final and that judge will finally tell him he has to move.
Please pray for me/us…I’ve had an awakening, he isn’t so thrilled by it. He also claims a medical issue with an erection, saying that there is a painful “band” when that happens, so he isn’t at all interested in feeling pain (can’t blame him), but at the same time, I’m left in the lurch. It’s an awful feeling, and leaves me feeling rejected, unwanted, and definitely unattractive. Masturbation feels like I”m taking something away from him, and doesn’t feel “right”, and he isn’t into “helping” me (since it will excite him and leave him in pain)…I don’t understand, I”m trying to, but it’s causing great heartache. We can’t seek medical attention (he lost his job and our family insurance a month ago). This has been going on for most of the *year*…
Suggestions and prayers welcome. Thanks so much. 🙂
Another thought if you are on the pill or other hormones – Paul and Lori Byerly of The Marriage Bed have an interesting article on how hormonal contraceptives can affect sexual desire: http://site.themarriagebed.com/biology/the-pill-ruins-sex